


Sonnet

by DaddyNoel



Category: Blur (Band), Oasis (Band), The Stone Roses (Band), The Verve
Genre: F/M, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-08-16 18:19:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 79
Words: 77,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16500368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaddyNoel/pseuds/DaddyNoel





	1. Chapter 1

Leeds, January, 1996

“We made it.”

I was sitting on a corner playing some riffs on my acoustic guitar. I had been there rehearsing since 8a.m.The second she said it I stood up and smiled without knowing what to do. We worked so hard for this and finally happened.

Our band was called ‘Space Sirens’, we had been playing every weekend in a bar. There was Andy, she played drums; Camille, who played guitar and I played bass and was the main singer. The band was formed in 1993, just when Britpop started developing but we could never manage to be part of it since we were an unknown band. Now that this movement was at its peak it was going to be very difficult for us.

“Are we really playing in King Tut's Wah Wah Hut? I can't believe it!” Andy said.

“Yeah. We need to keep on working because...” Andy didn't let me finish complete what I was saying.

“Don't be so negative. For un unsigned band like us it's like playing Glastonbury.”

“I'm not being negative, I'm really grateful this happened. I'm just realistic.”

“When are we going?”

“Next Friday at nine.” Camille’s parents were musicians too, her mother was a violinist and her father a pianist. They had much more contacts than us and were always willing to help so when they said that could get us a gig we were really happy.

“We have to think now how are we getting there. By car it's like 4 hours to Glasgow. And we have to take our instruments with us.”

“Harry can take us. I'll ask him” Harry was Andy's boyfriend, they had been together like for 2 years and they made a really cute couple. His job consisted in carrying glass from his family's company to buildings under construction, so he had a truck.

“My shift ends at 3, you could me up from the restaurant.” I worked as a waitress in an small restaurant near my house. The 3 of us had jobs because as much as we liked making music it didn't bring much money. Andy was a shop assistant in a boutique and Camille was a receptionist at a hotel. Cam was 24. I was 23 just like Andy but she was 5 months older than me.

“Ok”

“Dinner’s on me tonight, invite your parents and Harry. My house. At 8. We need to celebrate. I'll give Oliver a call, he needs to know too.” I said with a huge smile on my face.

\---------  
The doorbell rang while I was preparing a pizza while Cam, Andy and Harry were helping me set the table.

“Could someone open the door? It must be Oliver.” He had been my best friend since we were kids and was a good friend of the girls too. He was like a brother to me.

After a while Cam’s parents arrived as well and before I knew it we were eating.

“I'd like to propose a toast for Joseph and Diana, this could have never happened without you.”

“Thank you Darcie, but we did it from the heart because we want you all to fulfill your dreams. ”

They've been a really important part of my life due to the death of my parents when I was 18. I wasn't a minor anymore but if it wasn't. for them I wouldn't have known what to do. I had a brother, Trevor, who was 20 at the time, when this happened he just left, I never really understood his reasons so that's why I resented him. Later on I received a call from him saying that he was fine and now lived in America. I called him from time to time, just for special occasions.

Joseph suggested that I lived for a while with them, even though I had my aunts and uncles but never saw them because they didn't live in Leeds so I had always been closer to Cam’s family. I was so depressed the first months, Diana reminded me every day to take the pills. I was better now and didn't need to take them anymore.

I owed them so much… I wasn't going to let them down.

“I have an announcement to make” this time was Oliver who spoke “I'm moving to France. They hired me.” He was a photographer and he had been waiting for Peno’s Art Gallery, a really famous art gallery, to tell him if his photographs were good enough for their exhibition. That news made me a little bit more sad, I hadn't known a world in which I'd never saw Oliver.

“A toast for Oli and for Space Sirens who'll be bigger than The Stone Roses.” Harry shouted excited.

“No one is bigger than the Roses.” I comment but nobody really paid attention.


	2. Chapter 2

“Have you seen her? Have you heard? The way she plays, there are no words to describe the way I feel.” The four of us sang with all our souls as Ian Brown's voice sounded in the background. 

The Stone Roses were my favorite band. They were my heroes. Those 4 guys showed me and a generation of young musicians that you don't have to come from the upper classes to succeed in life, you just need a little talent and a lot of passion. Luckily the girls and I shared the same passion. 

Cam was the quietest of the 3 of us, very reserved. She only spoke when it was necessary. When everything was a chaos she brought calm and order. 

Andy was pretty much the opposite. When everything was too calm and sad she brought good vibes and could cheer up anyone. The most positive person I've ever met and a total bitch when she wanted. 

Anyway, I loved both of them and wouldn't know what to do without them.   
\--------

The place smelled like weed and alcohol. Two things that I was trying not to get close to due to my addictive personality. I knew that if I started smoking weed, doing some other drug or drinking alcohol regularly, it would be practically impossible to stop. Something like that had happened to me with the depression pills when I was 19. I didn't want to know if Cam or Andy consumed some of these substances, everything was ok while they could perform well on stage. 

We had like 20 songs, all written by the 3 of us. We chose 5 because other band was coming up next. My favorite was “Atomic Bomb” so that was the first we played, then “Time Travel”, “Outsiders”, “Falling Apart” and “Persuasive”. Our genres included pop-rock, rock and alternative rock. 

At the end I didn't know what to think, there was some people applauding but most of the them didn't give a fuck about us. 

\---------  
Harry didn't want to drive at night because he said it is really dangerous. Besides he was kinda drunk. That's way we end up in a cheap hotel near King Tut's Wah Wah Hut. 

Less than five minutes later someone knocked at the door of the room I shared with Cam. I thought it was Andy at first but instead I saw a man in his late 30s or 40s. 

“Good evening. I've just seen you play and it was fucking amazing. You are “Space Sirens”, aren't you?”

“Yeah, we are…” Cam managed to say. 

“I should explain myself better. I'm Dave Boyd, the manager of Hut Records. I saw you coming out of the club and get in here. I want to offer you a contract.”

\-----------  
“Yeah. I gave Boyd a cassette with all the demos we recorded. We are flying to London next week.” I was talking to Oli on the phone. 

“That's so cool. What other bands or artists have signed with Hut?”

“As far as I know the more important acts are The Smashing Pumpkins and The Verve.”

“The Verve… That one sounds familiar. Anyway, I'm telling from now, when you're really famous I'll be your official photographer.”  
“Hahah, you wish… I mean,the girls and I are moving to London once we sing the contract, I can't believe it.”

“Oh, so both of us will be out of our hometown, that's interesting.”

“You know what's even more interesting? Tomorrow I'm quitting my job. After 4 years. I'm so excited!”

“It's an amazing feeling, you'll see…”


	3. Chapter 3

The last time I had come to London was 10 years before. I felt like a complete outsider, I liked the city though. 

“Are you sure we are going in the right way?” Andy asked. We walked to the record company because we had spent plenty of our savings to arrive at London and in the hotel. 

“Well, I'm just following the instructions the receptionist told me. If we are going wrong you can complain to him.” Andy and I always had this sort of conversations. 

Five minutes later we arrived at Hut and were in Boyd's office. 

“First, I want to tell you that my approach is to sign quality bands and artists with attitude, and that's all I see in you.” he said that thinking we weren't aware that money was all he saw in us. But we knew this was our only chance given so we had to take it. “Britain needs a fresh female band. Elastica never was good enough in my opinion, besides some of their songs were written by Damon Albarn and never credited for that… awful band. Anyway , this is your contract, read it carefully and then sign in here.” he said pointing one of the inferior corners of the paper. “It's a great deal… 6 albums…”

It was a great deal indeed. And the amount of money involved was huge for us. However we spent several minutes to read it and then sign. 

“Well, now that the nasty part has passed I can give you a tour. You'll be spending a lot of time in the studio, but the best to the last.”

We went to the kitchen first, a rehearsal room and then a hall full of photos of Boyd with all the artists he signed. 

“Your photo will be hanged here anytime soon.” I turned around and saw Cam rolling her eyes, so couldn't help but grin. “Another thing you have to think is who's gonna be your manager, do you know someone who could do it?”

“No, not really. I was the one arranging some gigs but I figure I can't do that anymore.” Andy was good managing the band but she was right, we had to find someone quickly. 

“That's not a problem. I can find someone.”

The studio was amazing, anything I had seen before. There were quality instruments, not like ours. 

I had been so busy staring at a beautiful Gibson I could have never afford, that didn't realize someone else was in there too. 

“This is Richard or Capitan Rock, like that Gallagher guy once called him. He's the frontman and leader of the best band I hired. Until you, of course darlings. She's Andy, Cam and Darcie.” Boyd said touching his right shoulder. 

“You are a member of The Verve, aren't you?” I asked. 

“Yeah, and I guess you are Dave's new discovery.”

“Yes, we are. But, The Verve split up last year, what happened?” Andy asked like nothing, creating an uncomfortable silence in the room. I could notice something like melancholy in his eyes, like a profound regret.   
He took a deep breath and said “We split up last year because we had problems with our lead guitarist, Nick. But then I contacted everyone but him and decided to reunite.”

“That's cool, I really liked History.”

“We could say I was pretty inspired when I wrote that one.” He commented with a little smile. “Well, I have to meet Si at 5 so I better go. A pleasure to meet you.”

Once he was gone Boyd commented “He suffered from depression last year when everything happened. That band is his life. Luckily he's better now.” I decided that he wasn't lying, he was really concerned about Richard, the singer didn't meant just money for him.“Girls, have you found a place to stay?”

We explained him that we were fine in our hotel for a few days and that we were going to rent a flat when they gave us our first payment. This was going to be really exciting for us. 

\-------------  
“Ashcroft is hot.”

“You have a boyfriend.” Cam reminded her. 

“That doesn't mean I can't appreciate other men physical appearance.” We were already at the hotel ready to go to bed because we had a tough day at the studio the following day. 

“I liked his eyes. An incredible shade of blue.” I had always liked other people's blue eyes, maybe because mine were brown, but his were precious. 

“We can call him Captain Cock.” The three of us started laughing like we hadn't done it for years, we were such in a good mood. “You know it's better than whatever that Oasis’ wanker called him.”

“Talking about cocks, what are Harry and you going to do?”

“Ah, don't know… The only solution I see is that he moves here too. But it's very difficult for him, his whole life is in Leeds. He wouldn't even have a job if he lived here, maybe he would never settle. I love him so much, I don't know what to do. I want to make this band successful, however I don't want to be the cause of his unhappiness.”

“You could never be the cause of his unhappiness.”

“I hope you're right. I told him that the next time we talk we have to decide. We'll see…”


	4. Chapter 4

“I reckon that the first single should be ‘Persuasive’ so you start like persuading people form the beginning with your charms.” Boyd commented as we were coming into the studio. 

“It's a fucking good song, let's do it.” This time I didn't agree with Andy, it was good but we had to show them who we were first. 

“Nah, it must be ‘Outsiders’, to emphasize that we aren't like every other band, we don't belong anywhere and that's what makes us special.”

“Well, there's still time to think about it. Look who's just arrived” he said with a smile on his face, as a young man walked in. “Owen Morris, Space Sirens. Space Sirens, Owen Morris. He's the best producer I've ever met. He'll be mixing your records. I met him when he worked with The Verve when they recorded A Northern Soul but your worked with Oasis too, didn't you?”

“Yeah, I mixed Definitely Maybe and Morning Glory.” I could notice he had Welsh accent. 

“So, let's say no more. I'm sure our album we'll be amazing if you work with us. I'm ****** by the way.” Then the girls introduced themselves too. 

“Ladies, I need to prepare the mixing desks so you'll have to wait a few minutes and then we'll start recording.”

I wasn't going to see how he did that so I left and started wandering around the building. When I was near the rehearsing room I heard someone playing the acoustic guitar and singing. 

“And now I'm trying to tell you about my life // And my tongue is twisted // And more dead than alive // And my feelings// They've always been betrayed // And I was born a little damaged man…” I knew it was Ashcroft. He sung the last part witch so much emotion that make me wanna protect him from the unknown. 

“That's impressive, like poetry” Richard raised his gaze founding my eyes, like he always knew I was there. He was sitting on an armchair. 

“I like to think I write poems and then accompany them with music. I only wrote it last night.”

“What is it called?”

“‘Velvet Morning’, the kind of morning I hope you are having.” he gave me a little grin and I could feel the heart my friends said was made of ice, warming. “Today you start recording, don't you?”

“Yeah, Owen is preparing the studio.”

“Oh, Morris is the best, ask Oasis if you don't believe me. When they were recording their debut album they were said they didn't sound like they did live and if this situation continued like that they wouldn't have the chance to record a second album, so they hired Owen and now you see… Definitely Maybe became the best selling debut album.”

“You seem to appreciate the Gallagher brothers.”

“When you really get to know them they're top lads. They act like they don't give a fuck just to get more attention from the press, which is fine. Anyway, it's nice that you're recording here. We recorded our last album in Wales. We never recorded in Hut.”

“Since you are writing new songs, are you releasing a new album?”

“I wrote a few songs for what I thought it would be a solo album but now that we are together again I think another album by The Verve will come out.”

“But who's gonna play lead guitar? You?”

“No, no. Not me. I'm not a great guitarist, d'you know what I mean? Today is arriving from Wigan, our hometown one friend of ours, Simon Tong, he's the one who taught me and Si, our bassist, to play guitar.”

“That's cool. Well I should probably come back. They're waiting for me. It was nice chatting with you.”

“See you around.”

\----------  
“You were with Captain Cock.”

“Shh, shut the fuck up, he could hear you, you twat!”

“I see it in your face. I noticed how you looked at him yesterday. You fancy him, don't you? ” She continued lowering her voice. 

I just ignored her, grabbed my bass and told Owen we were ready. 

Us usual, Cam was so immersed in her music that didn't notice any of this. Seconds later we started playing our instruments and everything made sense just like every time we played together. 

\---------  
As soon as we finish recording I said “I'm going for a walk, see you in the hotel.” because I hated when people suffocated me with questions. And I left without hearing their answer. 

While I walked through Hut’s main door I saw him. It was like he was waiting for something to happen. 

“You've got a great voice, Darcie.” Richard was wearing a leather jacket now covering his black shirt. It was getting late and in consequence colder. It looked fascinating on him. He was also smoking and had the same expression of sadness in his eyes. 

“How could you know I'm the singer?”

“However I'm not wrong, am I?”

“You shouldn't smoke”

“Changing topic now. I know, but it's that or doing drugs.” I had to admit the honesty of the answer surprised me. “You're leaving, can I join you?”

“Weren't you waiting for your new guitarist?”

“Yeah, but his flight was canceled. And now we have to postpone the recording dates. I know an small park nearby, do you want to go?” I only nodded. 

We didn't speak through all the way to the park. He threw the butt of the cigarette and we sat on a bench. 

“Rich… Can I call you Rich?”

“I prefer Captain Cock” He said smirking. Fuck, so he had heard us. I blushed. I’d better remember to kill Andy when I saw her again. 

“I… Well, I…” Suddenly he started laughing and it was so contagious that I laughed too. 

“Nah, Dick is better and you know it.”

“Yeah, it's better. What were you going to say?”

“I don't want to ask it now.”

“Come on, now you have to do it.”

“I don't mean to be nosy. I really hate it when people do it to me. Besides I don't really know you.”

“Luckily for you I don't. And you should reconsider becoming a famous singer.”

I pretended to look at him angrily as he grinned. “Why did Nick left the band?”

“The same of most bands, I suppose. When we created the band we used to get along very well but then these fights started. He can't just accept that he isn't able to lead the band. He doesn't understand that his personality isn't suited for the job. Anyway… Wait a minute.”

All of a sudden he stood up and started walking through the park. The last moments of sunshine of the day made me notice the hypnotizing contrast his black hair made with his ocean blue eyes. I couldn't stop staring at him until I couldn't see him anymore. 

A few minutes later I saw him coming back with two ice creams. 

“I figured you were hungry. You may have not eaten since breakfast.” He was right so I thanked him. 

“The days at the studio are rough but you don't have to forget to eat. Space Sirens, uh? That's mega.” Rich commented as I glanced him liking his ice cream. 

“Yeah, well, that's the best we could come up with, but it's pretty cool.” I replied hating myself for not being able to continue a normal conversation because I couldn't think of anything else to say. This happened to me every time I talked with someone who wasn't close to me. 

When both of us finished our ice creams I stood up. “So, the girls must have arrived to the hotel and may be kinda worried.”

“Do you want me to take you there?”

“No, no. It's ok. I'm well oriented and I know we're close to the hotel. I've walked through this park to get to Hut.”

“Well then. See you when I see you.” He kissed me on my right cheek and left.


	5. Chapter 5

The following week Boyd introduced us to Douglas Anderson, his brother in law and our new manager and He was in his mid thirties and seemed nice, he had been in a band called “Street Spirit”, so he knew what he was doing. 

“I have already arranged an interview and a short set for tomorrow at 6 broadcasted by BBC Radio 5. Your first appearance on the telly will be soon too. And then you'll give your first gigs as a signed band.”

The rest of the morning he told us all the plans he had for us. That included the design of the logo and starting to a think about the name of the album. 

What I liked the most about him was serious, he wasn't there to kiss our arses but he was paid to handle things that we couldn't be concerned about.

“I want Brian Cannon to design the artwork, the logo and the sleeve.” Cam opined “I've seen his work with Oasis and The Verve and I really liked it.” It was fine for me, I had seen the covers of A Storm In Heaven, Definitely Maybe, A Northern Soul and (What's The Story) Morning Glory? and they were amazing. 

“Ok, I was thinking about Rob O’ Connor, he did Blur's artwork, but Cannon is good too. I can set a photoshoot with Michael Spencer Jones next week.”

We continued making plans the rest of the morning.   
\----------  
After lunch we met the other members of The Verve. There was Simon Jones, Peter Salisbury and the new guy, Simon Tong who seemed a little out of place. 

“I listened to a few songs of A Northern Soul on the radio. My favorite is ‘This Is Music’.” I commented. 

“My favorite thing about that video clip is that it's the only one I appear alone for a few seconds, because Ashcroft here, believes he's the most beautiful man in the world and steals all of our scenes.” Si joked. 

“You appear plenty of times in the video of ‘History’, cunt.”

“It's not the same, because we didn't have the chance to record a video for History and it is made with old clips of the videos of A Storm In Heaven.”

“Ladies, please forgive these disrespectful lads.” This time Peter spoke. They were funny guys and it was noticeable the got along well. 

“Do you start recording today?” Andy asked them. 

“Not just yet, we're still writing tunes and deciding about the future of the band. We just came to see Dave and for him to meet Tongy.” Si said as Tong smiled without speaking, he hadn't intervened in the whole conversation. “We are recording at Olympic Studios. Oh, there's Dave. Nice to meet you ladies, we should arrange to meet sometime.”

\-----------  
“Oh, my God! Look who's there!” Cam shouted excited as we were just in front of the hotel, as he was a great friend of hers. 

“Fuck! Harry! I've missed you so much babe!” And then they kissed passionately. “What are you doing here?”

“I told my father I didn't want to work for him anymore, that you were everything I wanted. He didn't like it at first but finally he understood and now I'm here. I brought all my savings, so we could rent a flat.” 

“I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

I was so happy for them. However, Harry needed to find a job because I knew he would die if he had nothing to do all day long while Andy was away. 

That night Andy didn't come back to our room.   
\---------  
The following day we experienced a mixture of emotions. From excitement to being nervous. 

It was our first live broadcast. We played 3 songs included “Outsiders” and then during the interview we announced that that one was going to be our first single. After a few minutes of discussing it with Dave we jumped to the conclusion that it was the best thing to do. 

The interviewer was a really nice girl who understood as much of music as we did, so it wasn't a flat conversation with her. Later on she asked us about our favorite bands, our plans for the future, why did we started a band and so. 

Harry was there too. He was allowed to stay behind the wall of glass. 

Even Oli was listening to us. Our number one fan, listening to us in France. 

“If only my parents could see me now.” I thought. I had called Trevor too. He said he'd set an alarm to remember. I just hoped we were as close as we once were.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a mental period. We spent our days at the studio, interviews, studio again… 

Our TV debut was fantastic. We hadn't even released “Outsiders” but some people who were there recognized us for some interview they've heard on the radio. 

When the time of choosing the title for the album arrived we decided to call it “Stolen Dreams”, an irony, because no one could ever steal our dreams or smash them. Its sleeve was quite simple, it was the three of us laughing while were were sitting on a couch. I wore my Roses’ T-shirt for that photoshoot. In addition Brian Cannon was great indeed, the logo he created consisted in a siren that from the waist down is underwater, but her other half is in the outer space, and my favorite touch, she's wearing an space helmet. The words “Space Sirens” can be seen in the contours of the circle with the letters he designed too. With every detail he added, he asked us if we liked it. 

Michael Spencer Jones a fantastic photographer as well. He just said that we acted normal and so we did, that's how he could capture that iconic moment. 

When we received our first payment we couldn't believe it. It was too much for us. Thanks to that I was able to rent a flat near the studio, and Cam one near her favorite record shop in Berwick Street; we loved each other but we know we couldn't live together I was kinda OCD and she wouldn't be able to handle it and I would hate that she put something out of place. Besides I could rent it thanks to Joseph and Diana had sold all my furniture and sent me the money. 

On the hand, Andy and Harry moved together to an small Victorian house further away from the city center. Luckily for him, he found a job as a shop assistant in the record shop Cam liked. Andy's parents flew to help them with the new house, so at least we could eat a homemade meal for a day. 

We played a gig at Marquee Club. “Outsiders” had been released the week before with two B-sides: “It's Good To Be Bold” and “Fallen Tree”. NME had written good reviews about it and made it the single of the week.

I couldn't believe that some people were singing along with us, some lyrics you wrote one Sunday night when you weren't able to sleep. I turned around and saw than Cam and Andy were smiling too. 

After the gig, they threw a party. I was happy to see that there were The Verve lads too. Andy might had invited them. There were also Dave and Doug so I chatted with them for a while. 

Later on, when everyone was drinking, smoking and doing different sort of drugs I stayed on a corner. Neither Cam nor Andy were near me. I couldn't even see Harry who had been there minutes ago. That's why I hated parties, it was fun for a while but at the end I didn't belong there. 

“Congratulations” I didn't have to look to know who was it. “Single of the week.”

“Thanks.” That was the only answer I could come up with. 

“Now you're gonna be millionaires.” Richard predicted. 

“I would be lying if I said I don't want money. I hope they pay us soon, I want to buy a new bass and a Gibson.”

“Yeah, they don't take long to pay you. It's a way for motivate artists to keep writing tunes, keep doing gigs, keep recording albums to fill their pockets too.”

“You have a very cynic point of view.”

“I reckon life made me like this. What do you think?”

“About the payments? I'm not…”

“About life.” He interrupted me. 

“I… Well I… Everything is going well for us now.”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to make you open up to me.”

“No, this happens to me every time I want to have a normal conversation. Ugh, fuck.”

“Let's start with simple things, how old are you?”

“I'm 23.”

“That's nice. I'm 24.”

We continued learning those sort of things about each other until Andy and Harry came back. She saw us and walked straight in our direction. 

“Where the fuck were you?”

“I think you know where we were. Hi, Richard. How are you?” 

“Cool. It seems you're having a good time.”

“You've got no idea.”

I know I blushed. But Richard just laughed.

“Oh, here's the lucky man.” He said as Harry brought a drink for Andy. 

“You must be Richard Ashcroft. The girls told me about you. Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. Sorry, they didn't informed me well, what's your name?”

“I'm Harry Shepard.”

I could have stayed and listened to their conversation but I saw that Cam was calling us. 

“That Tong is amazing, you have to see how he plays the bass.” He played it better than me, really. But just as good as Cam

And that's when I started enjoying the party. Spending time with my best friends and some new friends too.


	7. Chapter 7

A few months later  
I was tired but happy. We were fulfilling our dream. Every night a different place, different faces, different experiences, but at the same time the exact same experience. People started knowing more and more the songs. 

For the second single we released “Atomic Bomb” with “Leather Jacket” and “The Awakening” as B-sides. This time the single entered the top ten UK charts, it was seventh.

It was impossible that me, a young woman who had been a waitress achieved such success. 

We had also spent a lot of time with The Verve. I really enjoyed being around them. They had been in the business longer than us so it was interesting hearing them talk about it. At this point I could say they were good friends of us, specially Richard and Si, they were really funny together. They loved The Stone Roses too, so we would analize songs together. Once we went to see them rehearsing. While they weren't together Ashcroft had written a lot of songs songs, so now they had plenty of new material.

My favorite songs was “Weeping Willow”, a song about two lovers; “Our love is aching // Nothing strange” referred to realisation that the relationship is not working out. The two break up. They still have feelings for each other, but there are difficulties, perhaps these are of a sexual nature since the hours of six to ten are mentioned. Both of them feel empty. They cry, that's the meaning of the metaphor of weeping willow. The one who “writes” this hopes that the other has similar feelings to his or her own. It gets to the point where both are contemplating suicide "The world don't stop // You know it has to end" one with a pill under his/her pillow, the other with a gun. I've listened to all their songs but this one was haunting. A lyricist at his best. 

Ashcroft wasn't right when he said that money was given easily to us. We hadn't received almost any of it. That's why I asked Doug about it one day at the studio when I saw him with a check in his hand. He was wearing what seemed an expensive suit, and looked kinda worried and quickly put the check in his pocket. 

“Soon you'll get paid. Everything that I see you need I ask Dave and he gives me money for you. So you don't have to worry about it. Anyway I want to tell you what I asked money for. First, we'll buy you a new drum set, it should be here next week.”

“Oh, have you told Andy? She'll be thrilled!”

“Not yet, you can tell her. A Gibson for you and another for Cam.” I don't think I could hide my excitement because he said “I knew you wanted one, I heard you talking to Ashcroft the other day.”

I didn't like the fact he listened to a private conversation but I could forgive him if he was going to give me a Gibson. 

“Also I bought a bass for you. Everything will be arriving next week. What time is it?” He said staring to his watch.

“Well, I’m on time for dinner with my wife. Have a good night.”

\------------

Along with Dave we set a date for the third single and a date for the album release. They were 1 month apart and we had still a lot of work to do. 

Now we had Evelyn, she was our tour manager, she was like 10 years older than us. After the album came out we would travel to every corner of UK, then Spain, France (where we could visit Oli), Italy, Holland and Germany, UK again for a few more gigs and finally America, where I would try to meet Trevor. The fourth single would come out while in France. 

Cam had traveled through all Europe with her parents and Andy spent a few days of summer in the beaches of Spain with Harry the previous year but I had never been out of The UK. Everything was gonna be like a surprise for me. 

\--------  
One evening stayed later than the girls in the studio giving “Last Wasted Moments” the final touches with Owen. When suddenly Dave called my name. He was right behind us. 

“Could you come to my office, please?” I didn't reply and just followed him. 

Once we were in I asked “What happened?” because I has always seen him in such a cheerful mood until now. 

“This happened.” he said pointing to several papers on his desk. I grabbed one and read. It was a petition to buy the drum set and it was signed by “me”. I grabbed another one, this time it was a bunch of flowers. A fucking diamond ring. A Rolls-Royce. A swiss watch… and the list continued . All signed by the three of us. I was shocked and didn't know how to react. 

“I can tolerate many things but being robbed isn't one of them.”

“I can swear this wasn't us.” 

“Who was it then?”

“Fucking Doug! A fucking Swiss watch… I  
I saw him wearing one the other day. He's buying these things for himself.”

“Why would he buy a drum set for himself?”

“I don't fucking know! It was a cover he did for you to think it was us!”

“I can't believe this, you're even lying to my face! It's the same firm that's on the contract, and I'm the only one who has access to them.”

“But…”

“I don't want to hear you talk. We both know yours it's a great band so I’m giving you one more chance. You've got until tomorrow to give me all the money back.”

“Tomorrow?! Fucking cunt! I don't have this amount of money!”

“Well, you should have thought about it before stealing from me. If tomorrow I don't get the money back you'll be fired.” The only thing I could do was stare at him with, I still didn't believe it. 

Everything I worked for, everything my life had become now… Destroyed within a few seconds. 

I grabbed every paper on his desk and left without saying a word feeling a profound hate towards him. 

\----------

I hurried to my house. I didn't want to tell anyone yet. I was going to solve the problem on my own. I wasn't gonna be the one who shattered Cam’s and Andy’s dreams. 

I took a paper from the kitchen, went to the living room and started calculating how much money it was because I didn't have a calculator. 

When I saw the whole amount I just wanted to die. I expected something like this but seeing it…

I got up and ran straight to my room. I kept my savings inside an old pair of shoes. Everything I had was in cash. It wasn't even a quarter. 

That was the point I started to desperate badly. What the fuck we were going to do if he fired us? No record company was going to hire us now. We didn't have further education than high school. After all of this I could not just come back to be a waitress, we had made so many plans… And if we sued them, we wouldn't even have money to a pay a lawyer. All of that considering they didn't take legal action against us first. 

I had never felt the same hate I was feeling towards Anderson and Boyd, especially to Anderson. I had trusted him, I don't know why, maybe because there wasn't other option. 

I went to the bathroom and grabbed my pills. I was tempted to take a few but I knew it wasn't the right time. I had to come back and pay Boyd with the money I had because I knew I wouldn't convince him we wasn't guilty.   
\--------  
When I arrived to the studio, I went to the recording room and noticed that Owen was leaving. 

“Where's Boyd?”

“He left like 10 minutes ago.” Fuck. “Is everything alright? ” 

“Yes, I just wanted to talk to him. Have you seen Doug?”

“He's on holiday. He didn't tell you? He's in Italy for the week.” The fucking wanker had gone on holiday at our expenses. 

“Thanks.”

“See you tomorrow, Darcie.” Tomorrow… It was so uncertain for us. 

That was the moment I broke. I didn't even realise I was sitting on the floor. It was the first time I let myself cry after my parent's death. “I should tell someone” I thought, but I wasn't able to move. 

Cam and Andy… they deserved to know. Maybe they could have helped me and together work out a solution. However it was late, I wasn't going to show up at their homes hysterical like I was. I wasn't on my right mind, so I didn't really knew what to do. 

Only one thing could ease this angst, I wanted to forget everything for a while . I had took the pills with me, they were in my pocket. I grabbed the small jar and put several pills on my left hand. I didn't know exactly how many they were but they were more than three. 

“Darcie, is that you? Are you ok?” Ashcroft. 

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, you're crying. What happened?”

“I'm fine. Please, just leave. I'm better off alone.”

“I'm not gonna leave you like this.” I couldn't argue anymore. He took the pills and put them back on the jar and the sheets of paper that were all over the floor putting them in the big pockets of his greenish parka. 

The next thing I knew was that we were on a taxi and Richard was telling the driver some address.


	8. Chapter 8

I was sitting on his sofa. His apartment was clean and tidy but at the same time cosy. The walls were beige and he had chosen his furniture well. I didn't even have chairs in my so this felt much more as a home. 

He brought me a glass of water and sat next to me. He had take off his parka and left it next to my coat. 

“I'm sort of worried.” I didn't want to look him in the eyes. 

“It's not your problem so you needn’t be worried about anything.”

“Anyway I am, because I care about you.”

“Sorry.”

“Last year I wasn't any good.” He said within a few seconds. “My relationship with Nick was worse and worse everyday. That really hurt because we had been friends long before we decided to start a band. At the end, on tour we barely spoke. At first the arguments were about the different arrangements of the songs, but then about that being the frontman of a band wasn't the same as being its leaders. Take Oasis as an example, Liam is the frontman and Noel is the leader. All of the songs are written by me not by anyone else, I try to give them all participation while we're recording but I'm the one with the final word, so that's what I told him. He said I was a selfish cunt that didn't know how to run a band and left. Without the lead guitar you can't have a band. We had just released History, it was doing well in the charts but none of us could celebrate it and a public announcement came out of our split up. The band I had seen grow from nothing and became successful now was vanished. You see, the best thing that happened to me in my entire life… ” He made a pause. 

“I started doing more drugs than ever, till the point they didn't work, they made me worse but still took them. Any sort of drugs. Out of boredom and frustration you turn to something else to escape. One of the worst things was that wasn't inspired to write songs. I was so fucked up." My heart started aching, because he didn't need to tell me something so personal. 

“But you now what helped me, rather, who helped me? Noel, the most unexpected person, you see. I must have been drunk or high but I end up telling him everything, he just listened to me and didn't say anything, at first I thought it was because he didn't give a fuck about me. The thing next I know? Morning Glory was released with a song called “Cast No Shadow” and he claiming it was about me and dedicated for me. “Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say and chained to all the places that he'd never wished to stay.” Liam did his part too because he gave that song a soul with his great voice. Si and Peter were there for me too. My family couldn't do much as they were in Wigan and I was here. From there I said ‘Fuck it’. I wasn't going to live my life like this. That's when I decided to give up on drugs and reform the band obviously without Nick.” He stopped for a few seconds. 

“My point is, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. However I think it could help. I consider you a close friend. And I'll do anything I can to help you. Something serious might have happened for you to have been about to take those pills, as far as I know you, you aren't the kind of person who does drugs, and believe me that I know the difference ”

“Anderson has stolen money of Hut and Boyd is blaming us.” He looked at me confused so I explained him more or less what happened.”

“Well. First, Dave must really think this is your fault because he's not the kind of guy who helps someone and then try to destroy you. Second, I think you have to pay now so when you gain more money for Hut you sue them allegating libel and extortion, you're surely win, besides you count with us, we'll back you up. And then you can sue Anderson for defamation too and forgery. The three of you can to gather more than a half with the bonos they give you every two weeks. And third, the next time I see fucking Anderson I'm going to kill him.”

“The bonos? What bonos? We never got paid any bono.”

“Oh, fuck. Anderson must have kept them.” When he suggested that not only had that fucker stolen from Hut under our name and stolen from us, I broke again and crying due to the desperation and anger. 

Richard stretched one arm to my right shoulder and surrounded me with the other. The last thing I remember about that awful night was resting my head on his chest while he caressed my hair.


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up on his bed. I must have gotten slept while crying. He had taken off my shoes and put me inside of the bed. I got up and saw some blankets and a pillow on the sofa. I went to the kitchen and the bathroom and decided he wasn't there, so I came back to the living room. 

What caught my attention was a single sheet of paper on the coffee table next to the sofa. They were lyrics, and the song was titled “Never Wanna See You Cry”. 

I don't like the way that you say you feel fine  
When you look so down  
And I don't like the way that the pills you take  
They just keep you down

Shiny little minds  
Trying to find my way in life  
String of broken hearts  
Well, they still made it, you ready to start?

Never wanna see you cry  
No, I never wanna hold you with tears in your eyes  
Never wanna see you burn  
There's so much I gotta tell you, so much that you'll learn

I'm dying, dying, baby, dying  
To get close to you  
But sometimes, sometimes the wall you built  
You know, I can't get through

“I couldn't sleep last night so I wrote this. I hope you don't mind that it's about you.” Richard appeared and was leaning against the door frame between the hall outside the apartment and the living room. I was reading so carefully the lyrics that I didn't hear the keys or him opening the door. He was wearing a black coat and black shades, a touch that made him more interesting. I had to admit he looked very attractive. 

“I can't find the words to show you how I feel about this.” As a response he just smiled and closed the door. “I'm so sorry you had to sleep on the sofa, I didn't mean…”

“It's ok.” I noticed that he had a weird expression on his face now. 

“Where were you?”

“Does it matter?”

“Why aren't you telling me?”

“Because I don't want to tell and that's it.”

“Fuck! Last night you made an speech on how I should talk to you and now you don't want to tell me!” He crossed his arms and stared at the floor. 

“I… When you got slept I counted how much money it really was and I've just paid it.” I couldn't believe he had done such thing. 

“Why did you do that!? It's like admitting we're guilty and that you're involved! I couldn't stand it if Boyd did something like that to you!”

“Well, that's not going to happen because we met and told him that we were going to drop the record company and find out a better one if he didn't leave you alone from now on. The Verve is the act that makes more money for him… He accepted and soon you'll have another manager.”

“Oh my God. I don't know what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything. I'm happy to help. At least I feel useful.” When he said that he had the same look in his eyes that the day I met him, like sadness. I couldn't help it but hug him and almost cry again. 

“Oh no, you didn't understand the lyrics.” He joked smirking and we laughed together. 

“I was just about to call them, I couldn't avoid it any more…”

\-------  
A while later we were drinking coffee he had made. I felt so much better. 

“You have to tell them.”

“I know. But not just yet. Andy will get really anxious and Cam will be shocked. And I'm still not over it. What were you doing at the studio yesterday?” I asked changing topics. 

“I had forgotten there a lighter my sister gave me for my birthday last year. It's very special because it's engraved on it. Look”

He grabbed it from his pocket and showed it to me, it was golden and could be read “For my dearest brother, Victoria” 

“She's so sweet. Fomenting you to smoke.” He laughed. 

“You're making jokes now. That's a good thing. And for your information she does smoke too.”

“Seriously, I want to meet her one day. And your other sister too.”

“I'm sure you will.” He didn't comment anything about neither my parents nor my brother because he knew it was a delicate topic too. “I wish you could meet my dad.” He's father died when he was eleven of brain hemorrhage, he told me that during a break of a rehearsal when I asked him about the meaning of “And I hope you're thinking of me // As you lay down on your side" as well as "Now the drugs don't work // They just make you worse // But I know I'll see your face again". I didn't know it would meant something that deep. 

“I wish you could meet my parents.” 

“Tell me what happened.” This man had seen me crying and in my worst state the night before. And since I was opening up to him, I decided to go on. He only knew my parents died but not how. 

“I was 18 when it happened. Cam, Andy and me had gone to a gig of Inspiral Carpets. Joseph, Cam's dad, picked us up and took me to my house. When we were in the previous block, there were policemen and ambulances and at the end of the street I could see my house burned up to the foundations. It seems that the TV caused a short-circuit. The police report says that they fight to get out until the last second.” At this point I was already crying my heart out. “The cunt of my brother left the country as soon as he found out. Sometimes I feel that if I had been there, I would have helped somehow and they'd be here now.”

He looked at me straight into the eyes and said “This isn't your fault. You were too young.” And for the first time I believed it. 

\---------  
“You're late.” it was just Andy, being nice. She was behind her drum set and Cam was tuning her guitar. “Hi, Richard.”

Ashcroft had convinced me to go to the studio. Now that everything had been solved I told him that there was no point in telling them, also I promised him that I would give him the money back when we got paid. However he said they deserved to know, and he was right. 

“I know. Is Boyd here?”

“Not that I'm aware of.” Richard and I made eye contact. 

“Girls, there's something I must tell you, but everything is fine now.”


	10. Chapter 10

Two weeks later we went out with Richard, Si and Tong to a pub. They couldn't believe what had happened. 

“Fucking Anderson.” Si commented. “ You should sue the company and the cunt right now.”

“But who's gonna believe us? I'm a musician, I don't want to be involved in legal…” Andy quavered. 

“Could we please talk about something else?” I interrupted her. “I just don't want to think about it.” I noticed that I had created an uncomfortable silence. 

“Well, I have news. Oliver is coming in two weeks now.” Harry announced. “I told him everything and that's why he bought tickets. He wanted to come earlier but he couldn't, and made me swore I didn't tell anybody but I see that you're very uptight so it's better for you to know.” 

“I don't know if I'm disappointed you don't know how to keep a secret or if I'm happy he's coming here. Anyway, I love you Harry, you gave me the best news I have had for a while.”

\---------  
After a while Richard and I were the only ones at the table. Andy and Harry were dancing to the sound of “This Guy's In Love With You”, they looked so sweet together; he was singing it in her ear. Cam and Tong were talking about guitars in a corner. And Si and Peter were drinking beer in the bar. 

“Next week I'm traveling to America. I'm supporting Oasis in New York.”

“Really? I've never been there before. Then you need to tell me everything about it.” I said trying to hide my disappointment. “How long are you staying there?”

“For a week. They are two gigs. It's only me. The guy's are not traveling. They offered this to me before reformed the band.”

“When are you going to give gigs as The Verve again?”

“Perhaps next year, to promote the new album.”

“Tell me, wh…”

“Let me introduce you to Paolo Hewitt.” Si interrupted me when I was about to ask him about the album. “He's writing a book about Oasis.”

“Hi, I'm Darcie.”

“Pleased to meet you. Richard...”

“I know who you are. But you seem familiar, what's your full name, dear?”

“She's Darcie Ashcroft.” I turned my head to Andy. If looks killed, she would have died in that moment. I blushed. Then I heard Cam’s typical loud laugh. 

I glanced at Richard. He had a funny expression on his face and I could hear the guys trying not to laugh too frantically. Hewitt looked confused. 

“I'm Darcie Morrison. I'm in a band. We're Space Sirens. These two twats are part of the band too” I told him pointing at Cam and Andy. 

“Oh, yeah. I remember now. You released that song “Outsiders”, didn't you? I saw you on TV.”

We chatted for a while with Hewitt and when he left I stood up and went next to Andy. 

“You're a fucking twat.” I made sure no one listened to me. 

“Sorry. It occurred to me and was the right time to say it and you know it.”

“Yeah, you're right.” I admitted shaking my head. “It was good. But please…”

“You just look cute together, I'm just pushing the things a little bit.”

“Yeah, well…” I didn't want to talk about it anymore so I left to the bar and bought a beer. 

\----------  
“Hey, I'm so glad you're coming over.” I was in my living room watching through the window while talking to Oli. 

“Oh, no. Fucking Harry. I knew I couldn't trust him with this.”

“It isn't his fault. He noticed that I wasn't feeling well and that cheered me up.”

“I still don't get why you didn't tell me when it happened. I didn't like founding out by Harry.”

“Well, but I didn't tell anyone until it was solutioned.” It was a lie but I didn't want to hurt his feelings even more. 

“You should learn that when things are wrong, other people can help you. Cam, Andy, Harry, their parents and me love you and we would do anything for you.”

“I know but it isn't easy for me to do it.”

“Well, what plans do you have for us?”

“I never been to the Tower of London. Do you want to go there?”

\----------  
The following week we were at the studio when suddenly Boyd called us. The album was nearly finished. Owen was doing the last arrangements. 

We got into his office and said: “My sister has started the procedures for divorce.”

“And I should give a fuck because…” Andy replied. 

“Because she was married to Douglas Anderson. She says that she found him and his lover driving a Rolls-Royce. After a long talk with him he admitted that bought really expensive things for that hore… I should apologize.”

“That's the first thing you should have done.”

“I… He was a member of my family. I know him since we were teens. I don't want to justify my actions, I was so wrong. That's why you will be paid everything we owe you and a great deal of money as well.”

“How much money are we talking about?” This time was me the one who talked, I was mad.

He said a number but it just wasn't enough. 

“If you want us to stay and keep our mouths shut you'll have to triple it. We are quite successful now. It wouldn't be that difficult to find another record company and a good lawyer.”

“Well, it seems I don't have another choice.”

“One more thing. I want the money now and to give Ashcroft is money back.”

And that's how we left from the studio with a check in each one of our hands. That night the three of us went out for a pizza. 

“How long has it been since we last went to a restaurant or anywhere alone?” Cam wondered. 

“I don't remember but we definitely have to do it more often.” Andy suggested and I agreed. 

\--------  
“Did he apologize?”

“Kind of.” I was talking with Richard on the phone, I had called to tell him that now he was going to get his money back, but he didn't care about it much. It was 9pm for me but 4pm for him. 

“What a cunt. Do you know who's gonna be your manager now?”

“It's Evelyn, I like her.” At first I liked Anderson too, but I didn't say that. “But we need a tour manager now. Anyway, how are you doing with jet lag?”

“Jet lag is a bitch.” I laughed “We have a gig at 9, that's 2pm for my body.” 

“How was it last night?”

“I've given worst gigs but the American crowd is awful.”

“But at least you are having a good time with Liam and Noel.”

We talked for some minutes more and I eventually said: “Well, I need to go to sleep.”

“Yeah, right. Tomorrow is very important.” The next day we were releasing “On The Ceiling”, so we had some interviews to do. “Darcie, I miss you.” 

“I miss you too. See you in a few days.”


	11. Let The Damage Begin

I decided to call him. I knew that around 6 he was arriving and it was 7 o'clock. It had been a week since I last saw Richard and I missed him. 

“Hello”

“Hi, it's me. How are you?”

“I'm fine. Are you available now? There's a lot of things I gotta tell you. Please.”

“Yeah, could you come over?” He already knew my address because one night all of us end up ordering food in my house. 

“I'll be there in less than half an hour.” And as he promised he was there in less than half an hour.

When I opened the door he got really close to me. I felt his strong arms surrounding my waist and pulling me up a little till our lips were at the same level. He was so tall, surely he was like 1,8m and I was just 1,6m.

We looked at one another's eyes for a few seconds, those expressive blue eyes; and then he snogged me. 

“I had to do that.” He said out of breath. “I was suffocating in my head, I needed some liberation.”

“I'm glad you did.”

I kissed him again with the same passion and then without stopping, he grabbed my legs till they were around his waist and my arms around his neck. Then he turned me around pushing my back gently against the door closing it. I grasped his jacket, the same one he was wearing when we went to the park, by the shoulder and started to pull it behind him until it was on the floor. As our tongues tangled, I noticed that he smelled like cigarettes, soap and had a very masculine scent due to his deodorant. He must have showered recently because the tips of his hair were still wet. His cheeks were very soft, so he had just shaved too. I needed more of him. 

“Let's go to my room.” He nodded and without stopping kissing me carried me to my room where he positioned me on my bed and leaned over me. 

“Please, stay with me until the morning shows.” He begged me turning out the lights, now the moon was the only enlightening us. 

“I don't want and I won't leave.” I said caressing his cheek. Then I started unbuttoning his shirt and giving him little kisses on his neck. 

A few seconds later he began slowly to take off my clothes as well. My T-shirt, my shoes, my jeans… He was almost naked too, I had made sure that; however he was still wearing his boxers. Then he got to my bra, undoing it with a decided touch and throwing it on the floor, paying now more attention to my breasts. He rounded one of my nipples with his mouth making me moan. With every kiss my mind blurred more and more. 

“I'll be your whole, one whole soul.”

Later on, he began to trace kisses down my stomach and finally pulled my knickers down unhurriedly. I could feel my heart beating really fast as he ran his tongue on my thigh until he reached my clit; when he sucked it I intertwined my hands with his hair dragging him closer to my sex. And simultaneously he inserted his middle finger inside my folds, which were already wet, making me moan louder this time. Then he added another finger in. His left hand was now covering my right breast and I noticed that his veins were really marked; one of the first things I saw in a man were his hands because in moments like this watching them was an absolute turn on. I could feel myself getting closer and closer every time his fingers moved inside me. Then I couldn't take it anymore and I reached my top. I hadn't got this amount of pleasure for so long. 

“Oh, Richard.” I muttered encountering his eyes once again. Afterwards he wrapped my body with his arms and I removed his boxers, the last piece of clothing between us. Before that I could already feel a hard bulge under them. 

He lifted his wallet and took a condom. I watched him putting it over his erect member with amazement. Richard got on top of me and kissed me with such a tenderness that my heart skipped a beat. I surrounded his torso with my arms and legs as he slowly inserted himself inside of me.

“I'm in love with you, Darcie.” He whispered into my ear, at the same time I caressed his back with the tips of my fingers. His hands were everywhere now, and I knew that at the end of the night he would have touched every inch of my skin 

“I… Love you.” We never took our gaze apart from each other eyes, his forehead pressed on mine. It was the deepest connection I had ever shared with someone. He had been right when he said we'd be one whole soul. 

Thrust after thrust I felt myself building up and I knew he was close too, I could see it in his eyes. At this point we were covered with a thin layer of sweat. My body was shaking and his heart was beating really fast against my chest. Suddenly, in a glorious moment, he hit my G-spot and I came, however he didn't take long to follow me collapsing on my shoulder pressing his face on my neck. I heard that both of us were gasping. After that, he give me a peck on my collarbone and got up to throw the condom in the bin of the bathroom. I still wasn't able to move. 

When Richard came back, he covered both of us with the blankets and then cuddled me. 

“Sing something to me.” I pleaded with soft voice. 

“What do you want me to sing?”

“Anything.”

“My angel, my lover, my angel // My mind lover, my mind lover // She's my mind lover.” He sung ‘Drive You Home’ caressing my forehead with his lips as I fell asleep in his arms. 

 

\---------  
“Good morning.” He whispered 

“Hi. Did you really had to wake me up?”

“No, but I guess you wanted to pick up Oliver from the airport.”

“Oh, fuck. I forgot.” I sitted on my bed altered. 

“It's alright. We have one hour for breakfast and to have a shower.”

“I like the idea of showering with you.” He smiled and kissed me. 

“We need to do it now if you want to be on time.” He took my hand and helped me to get out of the bed. “By the way, I must say I'm kinda disappointed.”

“What for?” I asked confused. 

“That you didn't call me Captain Cock last night.” He joked smirking and then the two of us started to laugh out loud. 

“I'd like to spend all day in bed with you.”

“Don't say that twice because I won't be able to let you go.”

“Well…”

“No, no, no. He's your best friend, dear. And he's coming here to be with you and to support you.”

“You're right, you're right. So we won't have sex during the whole week, since he's staying here and I'll be with him every day.” He looked at me with disbelief and I grinned. 

“That's why I need to take you to the shower right now.” And that's what he did, making love to me for the last time that week.


	12. Chapter 12

“Hi!” I saw Oli and waved my hand with excitement. He arrived to Stansted Airport. “How was your flight?”

“Horrible, I hate when there's turbulence. Besides when we landed the people applauded. I mean, who does that?” Oli loved to complain. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” I said hugging him. “We don't have plans for today, just meeting the guys.”

“That's fine for me. Well, before meeting them I'd like just to spend time with you.”

“Ok…”

“You'll tell me everything. I want to hear it live and direct.”

“We could go for a walk to Hyde Park, what about that? We can talk there. Now we'll go my house and have lunch, but first we have to take the Stansted Express.”

\----------  
“Now that you know everything, I want to know about you. What is France like?” It was a sunny afternoon and we were walking to the sound of the bird's chirp. 

“I love their culture, especially their history and architecture. That's my project right now. I'm gonna tell their history through the pictures I take. The exposition will be called ‘France From A British Eye’”. 

“I'll buy at least three of them.” At first he thought I was kidding. “I'm serious, I've got money now.”

“I'll give them to you as a present.” 

“No, why would you do that?” I asked raising one of my eyebrows. “Don't say because you want to make your own name.”

“Believe it or not, you're sort of famous now. And yeah, I want to make myself a name, you know? If you helped me…”

“I don't give a fuck. I want to hang your pictures on my wall, not because you're my best friend, because I like them. And if buying your art gives you more publicity I think you should take it.”

“I’ll think about it…”

\----------  
That night, Andy and Harry invited us to their house. It had been so long since the last time we been all together. I longed for those days sometimes. 

“Oli!” Andy screamed when she saw him. 

“Hi, Oli” Cam greeted him with a more cold welcome; but not with less sentiment. Harry was in the kitchen cooking lasagna. Oliver was still mad at him. 

“Today is a very special day, so I'll open this bottle of wine.” Harry announced. 

“I don't like wine.” I said to tease him but it was true. 

“You'll drink water.”

After a while we were at the table eating. The lasagna was delicious but I wasn't going to give Harry the satisfaction to know that. 

“We've got tickets for the Tower of London the day after tomorrow.”

“I'd love to go, but Harry and I have already made plans. We've reserved tickets for Madame Tussauds!”

“Oh, fuck, that's better than the Tower.”

“I know. We'll then tell you about it.”

“Is any of you aware of what's happening this weekend?” Cam asked us, and as none of us replied she continued. “Oasis are playing two nights at Knebworth. The media is announcing that it will be the biggest gig of the decade. I say we should go.”

“We should try, yeah. I really like them.” Ashcroft had made me listen to them and they had incredible good songs, ‘Live Forever’ was something else . I would ask him later if he was going to go. 

“Anyway, tomorrow we're playing a much more small gig, Oli. Unless you want to stay at Darcie’s flat doing nothing, you should come with us.”

“Yeah! That's a really good idea. I've invited the guys of The Verve to the after party. You'll meet Richard! He's the greatest…”

“Oh my God! You slept with him.” Fuck, Andy knew me damn well. I must have had smiled like a fool when I named him. I gazed at her eyes with my cheeks ablazing. “You slept with him, didn't you? It's all over your face.” She took my lack of response as a confirmation. “Fucking finally! You two were like competing who give the other the most cute look.”

“Yeah, well. I did.”

“Darcie!” Oli was shocked. He was too protective with us. The same had happened when Andy started to have sex with Harry. It was too funny when she told him every detail to annoy him, he used to scandalize. 

“What?” He couldn't look me in the eyes. I know he would be over this soon enough. 

“You two are like in a relationship now?” Cam was curious to know. 

“It's nothing that official yet, but yeah, we are…”

“Where did this happen?” Oli wouldn't even pronounce the world sex, just replaced it with ‘this’. 

“On the couch you'll sleep tonight.” I lied just to bother him. He was drinking the wine Harry offered him and almost choked while everyone laughed. “And in the shower you just had been to.” This time it wasn't a lie. 

“How was it?” This one was one of the reasons Andy and I got along so well, she was always willing to annoy Oli as much as I did. 

“I don't want to know. Please.” Oli pleaded. 

“Shut up. Tell us, please.”

“It was amazing, I had three orgasms!”

Oliver’s face showed nothing else but profound disgust, so the four of us couldn't help it anymore and laugh as until our stomachs ached. 

“Oneself gets worried about you and then they take you as a joke.” Oli defended himself, fueling our laughter.


	13. Chapter 13

"Morning, Oli” 

“Hi.” So, he wasn't over it yet. 

“Did you sleep well?”

“No, I could only think about what you have done on the couch.”

“Ugh, I was joking, you're so exaggerated. We didn't have sex on the couch. You'll meet him today, so you'd better be nice to him.”

“He seemed better when you told me on the phone about him.” I gave him the worst look I could. “Ok, ok. I'll give him a chance.”

“Do you wanna go somewhere? We have to leave here around seven.”

“I'd like to stay here and just watch a film but I didn't flew from France to do that.”

“Well, we could…” I couldn't finish what I was saying because the phone rung. “Hello.”

“Hey, love.” Now I perceived his voice sexy. “I just wanted to know how are things doing with Oliver? Did he arrived well?”

“Yeah, everything is fine. I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight.” I turned around in order to avoid seeing Oli in the eyes. 

“Is it possible that we meet earlier today? Oliver can come to my house, if he wants. Then I'll take you to the club.”

“We'll be there at 6. Oli can't wait to meet you!” I looked at him and rolled his eyes. 

“See you, dear.”

“Bye.”

\----------  
“Can you remind me why did I come here?” Oli was complaining again while we waited for Richard to open the door. 

“‘Cause he invited us and he wants to meet you too.”

“I could have easily met him at the after party.”

“No, you couldn't because I would have come here and you don't know how to go to the club.” I shutted up as I heard the keys opening the door. 

“Darcie. I missed you.” After that he gave me the softest of the kisses. 

“Oliver, I'm Richard. Nice to meet you.” And then they shook hands. 

“I know well who you are.” He said with a glimpse of disgust. Richard opened the door more so we could get in without noticing what the twat of Oliver had just said or ignoring him.

“Darcie told me a lot about your job in France.”

“Well I try to take pictures of…” And I couldn't pay attention to the conversation anymore because I saw a red Gibson with a blue ribbon on his sofa. 

“What is this?!” I grabbed it. 

“It's for you, I bought it in New York. That's why I wanted you to come over. You could use it today for the first time.” Any words come out of my mouth. “It's not as cool as Noel's one Epiphone Sheraton with the Union Jack but I thought you'd like it.” And in that moment I didn't give a fuck about Oli’s presence and kissed him passionately. 

“Cam will have to play bass tonight, because I'm using this!”

\--------  
During the gig Cam let me play lead guitar but anyone could see that she didn't really like the bass. That night was one of the first ones I felt that connection with the crowd musicians always talk about. They were singing lyrics me, or the girls had written. Something, you start writing with no apparent reason just because you're bored, now was being sung by thousands of people. The thing that made me commotion was the fact that the people sung them with all their souls, that's why I stopped singing for a few seconds, to hear them sing to me. I had always had a deep respect for the fans, without them we would have been nothing. It shocked me that a few days before that gig a girl and a boys have come up to me on my way to the supermarket to ask me for an autograph. This was happening now, and the album hadn't even came out yet. I couldn't imagine how would it be when we released our second album. 

In three weeks time we would be touring through Britain and Europe, then America, after that Japan and finally a few concerts in the UK again. The rest of the year was gonna be busy for us. There was Scott now, our tour manager, he had arranged most of these dates. We had also 2 roadies, Alex, the drums technician and Derek, who was in charge of the guitars. We would be away too long, it seemed a lot more now that I was with Richard. I decided not to think about it right then, I would focus in the last gig we had 2 days later. When the gig was over we went to the party and what I saw warmed my heart; Oliver and Richard were having a normal conversation. 

“... suddenly I shouted ‘You're a piece of shit! ’, and you know what she did? She hide, letting that family who was passing by think I was referring to them.” Oli usually told stories about me which I didn't remember, but this one was one of the classics of our childhood.

“Please, don't talk about me.” I pretended to be annoyed, but I loved that they had found something to talk about. Richard stretched his left arm over my shoulders and took a drag of his cigarette with his free hand. I could only remember about the sensations those hands had awakened in my body the other night. 

“He was the one who asked if I could tell stories about our childhood.”

“Oliver is just exposing the real you. You were really disloyal as a child.” He said smiling and then kissed my temple and after that whispered “You were amazing tonight. Your voice is charming.”

“Thanks, love. I wouldn't have been so amazing as you say without the Gibson.”

“Oli, come here. Take a picture of us!” Andy shouted from the other side of the room with Si and Tong. He carried a camera everywhere he went. “Now with you too.” I saw him turning the camera around trying to appear in the photo too and laughed, at least at 25% of his face always got cut in this sort of pictures. 

“I'm sorry if Oli was kinda hostile at the beginning.”

“I understand, believe me. I've got 2 younger sisters.”


	14. Chapter 14

That night was very difficult for me to say goodbye to Richard, but Oli seemed tired, he wasn't used to this peace of life. But Oli was going to stay here only one week and I had the following two weeks to spend them with Richard. However I did not know how much time I would be able to spend with him because “Stolen Dreams” was being released and Evelyn had arranged many interviews to promote the album. 

The next day we went to the Tower of London, however the thing I liked the most wasn't the Tower itself, but that area of London. Tower Bridge was the most magnificent bridge I've ever seen, those two bridge towers tied together at the upper level weren't something you saw everyday. After that we decided to do the Thames Path from there, to Saint Paul's Cathedral where Lady Di was married to Prince Charles; and then we crossed the river to visit the Shakespeare’s Globe. I had to admit that I was falling in love with London every day spent there. 

“I wander lonely streets behind where the old Thames does flow. And in every face I meet, reminds me of what I have run from.” I recited.   
“That's good. Did you write it?”

“Not really. It's by The Verve.” We had been talking and updating everything these months had brought up. 

“You love him, don't you?”

“We wouldn't have made love if we didn't have feelings for each other.”

“I hope that you're happy with him.”

“I hope that too. In two weeks the girls and I will go to Paris, it won't be a that long…”

“So, I have to introduce you to someone.” 

“Someone like a… Woman?” 

“Yeah.” I was seriously shocked. He had never talked to me about any women. 

“Why didn't you tell me about it? What's her name?”

“Because nothing happened yet. Her name is Juliette. She's Parisian.”

“Oh, so she's good at French kissing.” I joked knowing he wouldn't take it well. 

“Why has everything be related to sex? We just talked, we talked for hours…”

“I was just joking. She has to be pretty special for you to talk to someone that long.”

“Well, somehow it's not difficult to talk to her.”

“I'm glad.”

\----------------  
“Ok, ok. This is the last one, it's gonna be a single, so go and buy it.” I introduced ‘Who’ waving my beer to the crowd as they cheered, we had decided to play it acoustic so I didn't need my bass.

I sung the first two verses, and all of a sudden I saw a fucking cunt getting up the stage. In this kind of situations I get a bit shocked and don't react on time, that's why I just stood there when he approached me and pushed me to the floor. The worst thing about the fall was that I was still holding the bottle. Security went after him while Cam, Andy, Derek and Alex helped me to stand up, that's when I realized that my right hand was covered with blood and broken glass. Some people of the crowd were screaming while we went behind the stage. It hurt like fuck, it was the most throbbing pain I had felt in my entire life. 

“Oh, fuck.” Richard exclaimed running towards me. 

Like an hour later we were at the hospital and a doctor was taking all the pieces of glass on my hand with a nipper while disinfecting the wound. Only one person was allowed to stay with me, so Richard was there, holding my left hand. I could tell he was eager to smoke a cigarette.

“I'm gonna make sure that from now on, in every gig you have fuckin’ barricades between the crowd and you. They don't give a fuck about the safety of the musicians, just if they provide a lot of money.”

“I'm just worried about the tour. I won't be able to play bass. We need to think fast what we're gonna do.” Suddenly, I felt a terrible pain in my hand, and I closed my eyes. “Ugh, that hurts.” Richard set aside the hair of my face behind my ear and caressed my cheek with his thumb. 

“I'm almost done.” The doctor was now wrapping my hand with a medical gauze. 

“It's ok.”

Before we came out, he took my right hand and kissed it really softly.

“If I had been closer, I'd have killed that fucker. I can't believe…” I kissed him in order for him to shut up. 

“I love you.”

“I love you so much.”

Everyone was waiting for us, even Evelyn. I didn't like them to be worried about something that wasn't such a big deal. Andy and Cam told me about the incident from their point of view, now that everyone saw I was completely fine we started to laugh about it. Richard never removed his arm from my waist protective. 

“But, do any of you know why that wanker do that?” 

“I heard that security was saying that he was really high.” Oli informed us. 

“We need to find another bassist right now.” Evelyn said. “The tour starts in three weeks. I'll contact some but then you have to decide who's gonna be.”

“I reckon they should focus on that next week” Evelyn gazed at Richard a bit confused. “We're travelling this weekend.” When he said it all of us looked at him excited because we already knew what he was talking about.


	15. Chapter 15

It was Sunday, August 11, 1996. Oasis was playing their second and last night at Knebworth. It had always amazed me how in two and a half years they became the most important band in the country. According to the media, 4% of the British population had applied for tickets. I wanted the same for myself. The Verve could have already achieved it for themselves if they hadn't split up. 

When we arrived to Knebworth Park, Richard guided us to the VIP access. They saw him and let the six of us get in, giving us fold-out Oasis-branded binoculars, which I thought should be given to those far from the stage instead of us, because we would be pretty close. We were also given a special stick of rock that featured the band’s logo and the dates of the gigs on the label. 

We had to wait like an hour for the concert to start but you already couldn't see where this sea of people ended, I had never seen such a large crowd before. This was the power of music, gathering people; no matter their sexual orientation, age, social class, nationality, politics; just sharing their same passion for enjoying stonishing harmonies. 

“Ashcroft!” Someone shouted while The Bootleg Beatles were playing “How are you, mate?” He said putting one hand on Richard's shoulder. Then I recognised him, he was Marcus Russell, Oasis’ manager. 

“Marcus, glad to see you” Richard greeted him. 

“The guys found out that you're here and want to see you.” 

A few minutes later, Richard, Cam, Andy and I were backstage. Only us because we were too many. 

“Liam!” Richard called the frontman giving him a quick hug. Then his brother came along, Noel was much more reserved than Liam and just shook hands with Ashcroft. Liam had long hair, something that I thought didn't suit him, I had seen photos of him two years or one year before and he looked so much better with short hair. On the other hand, Noel looked exactly the same as usual. What was odd to me was the fact that this was gonna be the most important gig of their carriers but they seemed very relaxed. 

“This is Darcie, my girlfriend, Andy and Cam.”

“Wow, I know you. You are that new band, aren't you? ‘The Atomic Sirens’” Liam asked. 

“We're ‘Space Sirens’. But “The Atomic Sirens” isn't bad either.” I informed him. 

“Anyway, have you seen how fookin’ mental this is…? “ Liam was now talking to Richard but I couldn't pay attention anymore because Noel asked me taking a drag of his cigarette “So, you're Ashcroft’s bird?”

“Yeah, I am.” I replied as he nodded. 

“What happened to your hand?”

“A fucking cunt climbed up to the stage and threw me to the floor while I was holding a bottle of beer.”

“Been there before. And you, having a good time?” He asked Cam and Andy. 

“Yeah.”

“I really liked Morning Glory.” Cam commented. 

“The question is who didn't liked it.” Noel said with his typical self belief I had seen in several interviews. And in that moment I thought I wanted to have half of the self belief he had. Suddenly a photographer came up and took a picture of all of us talking. 

“Well then, we have to go out sometime, all of us. D'you know what I mean? To have fun. Nice to meet you, ladies but we have to take over the world now.” Liam was a bit of a cunt, however I liked him, he was funny and I did want to out with them and Richard sometime. 

“Yeah, nice to meet you. See ya.” Noel threw the but of the cigarette on the floor, stepped on it and left. The Gallagher brothers… I admired them. Two guys from a council state, headcases, who had suffered the abuses of their alcoholic father and now being more successful than anyone else. If that's not strength, I don't know what is. 

When we reunited with Harry and Oli they were talking friendly, Oli seemed to have forgiven him. 

“Did you meet them?” Oli wanted to know. 

“Yeah, I think they're mega, Noel…” But I couldn't continue talking because a video was being played in those huge screens and Noel's Epiphone Union Jack appeared there. Seconds later the band came on the stage. 

"This is history, right here , right now, this is history" Noel predicted. 

"I thought it was Knebworth" Liam replied interacting with the crowd. 

Finally, before starting the show with the first tune that was gonna be Columbia Noel said "Good evening, planet Earth" Taking for granted that the whole world was there. 

It was noticeable the brother’s bond when they sung “Acquiesce”, “Because we need each other // We believe in one another”, the only song sung by the two of them. I smiled when they began with “Slide Away”, because Harry said he dedicated it to Andy and kissed her; it was a very romantic song. Noel had been right when he said that Liam's best vocals were performing “Slide Away”, especially the part that went “Now that you're mine // We’ll find a way of chasing the sun”, he sang it in a very particular way. 

Then I was the time for “Cast No Shadow”. That song was very important to Richard and in consequence, to me as well. He was hugging me from behind and I was touching his cheek with my left hand while he kissed me on my neck smiling before started singing it with all our souls. 

My favorite part of the gig was Noel's acoustic set, when he sung “The Masterplan” accompanied with that solo of harmonica at the beginning, that was one of the best sounds my ears could have ever heard; and it was a B-side, a fucking B-side… But, afterwards Liam smashed it with “Live Forever”, my favorite song of them, it was a performance out of this planet. 

“Here's Johnny!” Liam screamed nearly at the end of the concert and I thought that he was drunkenly quoting “The Shining”; maybe he was, but suddenly I saw John Squire on stage too about to play “Champagne Supernova” with them. 

“Did you know about this?!” I asked Richard. I almost couldn't talk because of the excitement. I was never able to see The Stone Roses live because I didn't have money and then, when I did have they split up, so watching Squire right in front of me was something I could never think possible. He was my role model when talking about guitars, I knew he wasn't the best guitarist ever, however I really idolized him. Without The Stone Roses, Oasis, The Verve or Space Sirens wouldn't have existed really. 

“Yes, I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to tell you because I thought it would be a nice surprise.” I kissed him just when the fireworks started illuminating the sky over us.


	16. Chapter 16

On Monday I joined Oli to the airport with Andy and Cam. I was gonna miss him. Richard had offered to take us but I knew he would be much comfortable if only the four of us went by train, also Harry was working. 

“It has been an amazing week. We have presents for you.”

“Oh, really?” He asked excited. “You know that my gift for you was my presence.”

“That's not any gift, just an annoyance.” He looked at Andy faking being hurt while Cam laughed out loud. 

“It's a little joke, Oli” (Bromita, Peti) Andy said as I took one of his presents from my handbag. 

“How did you know I wanted this?!” Oli exclaimed as he saw his new video camera, he had plenty of cameras but none of them recorded videos. 

“We know you well, besides you're not that difficult to read.”

Then Cam gave him his other gift, that wasn't as good as the other one , but in my opinion meant more. 

“Oh, I love it. When I get to my apartment I'll hung it.” It was a big picture of the five of us the day he arrived, he had a forced smile because of the discovery he had already done and surprisingly his whole face appeared in it. 

When it was time for him to leave, we all hugged him. 

“See you in a couple of weeks.”

“We’ll miss you, Oli”

“Bye, filles.” Andy rolled her eyes and then he disappeared through the gate. 

\--------------

“I've found two possible bassists.” We were at the studio and Evelyn was telling us her discoveries. “One is Scott McLeod…”

“Wait. Isn't that the twat who toured with Oasis like a month last year and then couldn't take it anymore? I don't want him in our band.” I wasn't going to hire someone who clearly wasn't seriously taking his job

“Well, in that case you'll meet Brian Taylor this afternoon.” About 3pm Taylor arrived at the studio. 

“It's simple.” I told him “You play ‘I Wanna Be Adored’ without mistakes and you're in.”

“Can it be ‘Waterfall’?” He asked avoiding to make eye contact with me. At least he understood I was talking about the Roses, so my hopes grew. 

“Just play something.” Afterwards, he started playing any of those songs but ‘I Am The Resurrection’. I had to confess that if I closed my eyes I could figure Mani performing in front of me. 

“Impressive.” Andy had liked it too. 

“I know one song of yours too.” Before we said something he started playing ‘Atomic Bomb’, not exactly as I played it but good enough. I looked at Cam in the eyes, and then at Andy and the choice was made. We didn't have much more time to lose, the tour started in two weeks. 

“Listen to me, you have rehearse with us every afternoon at four.”

“Am I hired?” He asked with a little smile. 

“Yeah, you're hired. But you do anything wrong, or anything that puts in risk our carrier and you're out. Also, you're not going to be here forever, just until my hand gets better.”

“I know. But you're gonna like me so much that you'll keep me.”

“Haha, you’re funny. I like you.”

\---------  
“Have you heard about ‘Heavy Rain’?” Camille asked Andy and me, she had invited us for dinner at her house. 

“Not really.”

“Nah.”

“They're another band with some female members. Their label is Creation Records.” Cam always had the latest news about the musical industry. 

“We're better.” Andy claimed

“You sound like Oasis already. I don't really care, as long as we have an audience and they buy our records everything is fine.” I opined. 

“You should see them. Their leader, Jane, is a total bitch. She thinks she's the best then sells it to the media and they buy it! I've read an interview in which the twat said she pretty much hates every band or every musician that has come since the 70’s and that her only influence are The Beatles.”

“What a cunt. I think I know who she is. Isn't she the one who told the interviewer she despises Britpop?”

“Yeah, exactly that one. But not only did she say he hates Britpop but she thinks it's only a fake copy of the 60’s and she'll revert it.”

The Verve, Oasis, Blur and ourselves were considered Britpop. It showed the real musical identity of the UK at that time. We had been dominated by American music for too long. It had appeared contrasting Grunge and everything it represented with Cobain leading it with lyrics like “I Hate Myself, I Wanna Die”. That's one of the reasons why I admired Damon Albarn, he had opposed to it creating this movement on his own mostly, with his optimistic songs. Young people or people in general didn't need depressing music when life was depressing enough. And as Noel Gallagher had said, “Fuck that song, we are gonna live forever.”

“I have to to admit that I agree with you now. We're better.”


	17. Chapter 17

“Are you feeling fine?” Richard was at my house that night. He was preparing two coffees after that he had helped me to wash the dishes after dinner. 

“Not really, I have a lot of things in mind.”

“Tell me. By the way, you look really cute with glasses.” Richard knew I needed glasses and that most of the time I used contact lenses, but he had never seen me wearing them. As it was kinda difficult for me to accept compliments, I just gave him the sweetest smile I could. 

“Well, we're less than one week apart from the tour. Brian is really good, I wish you could have seen him play ‘Resurrection’, anyway he's not learning the chords of the songs fast enough. The other day he brought donuts and coffees for all of us. He's very nice and funny, so I decided that tomorrow I'll help him, because now the four of us are getting along well and I acted like a bitch when I first met him.”

“I don't think that's all.” I took a few seconds before start talking again. 

“So, Derek has broken Cam’s favorite guitar. Evelyn is acting like crazy and want us to go to every possible interview, tomorrow we have three and an acoustic set at Virgin Megastore. Also now we have to sign a great amount of albums and I didn't even start.”

“I can sign some for you, no one has to know.” I grinned due to his response. “ What is Cam gonna do?” He was a really good listener. After that, he gave me one of the cups of coffee and sit next to me on the other tall chair of the kitchen countertop. 

“She has already bought another one, but you should have seen her face then, it was scary. I also found out that Andy had an argument with Harry. Then, I think about Oli, and I worry, he's kinda antisocial, is he alright? He told me that he was in a sort of relationship now, but I don't know if it's really true or not. Besides, I start thinking that from next week it will be more difficult for us to see each other... In conclusion, all these things led me to headache.”

“I heard that sex relieves headache.” He claimed staring at his coffee. That response took me by surprise really. 

I got closer to him and with one finger touched his chin touring his head into my direction. I didn't think it twice and directed my lips straight to his neck. In seconds our conversation with traces of sweetness had become into a really hot scene. We didn't have to worry about condoms anymore because I was taking the pill now, he had joined me to the gynecologist the previous week. He stood up and then grabbed my waist giving me the most intense kiss he had given me this far, and placed me on the countertop located in the middle of the kitchen. Afterwards, he separated my legs getting closer to me until our chests collided. 

Then he looked me in the eyes and took off my glasses leaving them on the counter in front of the one where I was sitting, before saying raggedly “Is it ok? I wanna look straight into your eyes, without any barriers between you and me.” Me eyeglasses didn't have a very strong magnification so I didn't care and I kissed him in response, taking off his T-shirt. 

“I love you. You drive me crazy.” Words didn't come up to my mind, so the only way I could figure out to tell him I loved him too was kissing him on the cheek. Later on I pulled him closer to me with urgency by his belt unfastening it and then I unzipped his jeans. Seconds later, he had already undressed me completely while I could feel my desire growing. 

“I need you inside me right now.” Richard wasn't gonna give me the satisfaction that soon, so he removed my bra throwing it somewhere in the kitchen. He made my back lay on the counter which wasn't as cold as I expected. Immediately he leaned over my chest while pressing both of my wrists with hands over my head but anyway being careful with my right one. Then he sucked one of my nipples and bite it a little as my whole body arched. 

“Please!” I said almost moaning. 

He glanced straight in my eyes and continued licking my skin from my nipple, my ribs, my belly button and finally reaching my knickers. So he released my hands to take it off with a slowness that made me wanna die. 

Suddenly, he wrapped my torso and made me sit again, so I didn't lose time and took off his jeans and boxers. I could feel his hardened shaft pressing against my thigh, he waited a few seconds staring at my eyes before thrusting inside me. I started tugging his hair with both of my hands. I almost lost it when I felt his right hand rubbing my clit in circles and the other cupping my breast. This one was a much more animalistic encounter but nevertheless equally passionate. There were no boundaries between us, receiving him inside me like that was something I had never experienced before. His deep blue eyes gazed at my whole body with amazement. Hearing him groan was the most sexiest sound on Earth. Then I could feel my walls starting to tighten around his dick until we reached our climax at the same time achieving a great amount of pleasure. 

When he had nearly recovered he began caressing my back and kissing my neck as I still felt my legs weak, the intensity of the orgasm had been unbelievable. A few minutes later we were already in bed cuddling. 

“Does your head still hurt?” 

“It's incredible, but no.” I replied with a smiling while I could see a grin of satisfaction on his face. 

“Continuing with the conversation, I'm sure Andy and Harry are fine, it's natural that couples have a little argument from time to time. Now, talking about Oli he's your best friend, he wouldn't lie about something as important as this. And… I hate the idea of being apart from you that long to be honest but I know that we'll manage. I'll travel as soon as I can.”

“I'm glad that you're able to travel now. When The Verve began their own tour at the same time as us it will be much more difficult and…”

“Well, let's not think about it just yet.” He interrupted me and then planted a kiss on my head.


	18. Chapter 18

The day the album was released we did an small acoustic set at Virgin Megastore. Then, we signed some records and took some pictures with fans. It was surprising how many people were there. 

In the afternoon we headed to an interview with Jo Whiley at BBC Radio 1.

“So, Brian, you're the new bassist, aren't you? “

“Yeah. Before Space Sirens, I was in a band I had created with my friends, but the fuckers didn't help me and I did all the work, so I decided to leave.”

“How long had you been with them?”

“About three and a half years but you see…” He continued talking for some minutes more with Jo until he said “Anyway, they're gonna keep me around until Darcie’s hand gets better. However I'll have gotten more experience with a band that's clearly better than my own one.” When I heard that I felt a deep regret of having treated like shit when I meet him but I couldn't continue thinking about it because Jo was talking to me now. 

“And you Darcie, I'll just ask the question everyone wants to know. Is it true about the relationship between Richard Ashcroft and you? Because, there's been photos of you together but any hard evidence.” Richard and I had already talked about what to tell the press if they asked about it. 

“Yeah, we're together now. There's no point in hiding it if finally everyone is gonna find it out.” I didn't want to give much details. 

“I knew it! You make a lovely couple. And you girls, are any of you in a relationship?”

“We're together.” Andy say really serious grabbing Cam’s hand between her own while Jo opened her eyes wide. This scene was way too funny so I couldn't help it and laughed. “You twat!” she was referring to me “We could have continued with the prank!” I saw Jo and she was laughing too. 

\--------------  
The day before the tour started, Ashcroft took me out against my will because I just wanted to stay at home order something. Nevertheless, he insisted on that we should go at least to have dinner at a restaurant due to our last night together for a while. So, I put on a nicer dress than the pajamas I was wearing and went to a restaurant near his house. 

“You look beautiful tonight.” He was looking amazing that night too, with that grey jacket and red T-shirt. All of a sudden he took 2 little, velvet boxes from his pocket. “I hope you like them, Darz.”

I glanced at him with surprise. I hated it when people gave me presents, as we as with compliments I didn't know how to act. I opened the box nearest to me, they were a pair of blue earrings, probably sapphires. 

“Open the other one.” He said before I could react. In the other one there were another pair of earrings, exactly the same but smaller. “I've noticed that you have four ear holes and also that you like blue so…”

“Thank you so much.” I knew it wasn't a great way to thank him for it so that night that earrings were the only thing I was wearing when we made love. 

\------------

The following week we were already at the road, next stop: Amsterdamage. I missed Richard but anyway having a great time with the guys. From there, we would travel by bus, the tour bus was huge. It had a master bedroom at the back which we took turns to sleep in but we normally slept in the bunks. Phil was our driver, he was nice, however we never really talked to him. Scott, Derek and Alex travelled in a much smaller bus. We had never shared so much with a male member of the band, we weren't used to it, besides he felt quite uncomfortable. I wouldn't say I was totally comfortable having him around all the time, since we were three women and only one man. However the four of us got along pretty well. 

“Did you really been to Knebworth?! Fuck, when I went to buy tickets, they told me they were already sold out. How did you get them?” Brian was truly surprised we had been able to go. We were about two hours far from Amsterdam in the living room of the bus. 

“Ashcroft, Verve's leader, her boyfriend” Andy pointed at me. “He's a good friend of Noel and Liam. We had VIP tickets and also met the band.” She was the one who had connected the most with Brian. Within our group if you appreciate someone you bother him or her. 

“No… You didn't meet them.”

“Yeah, we have a picture. It's in page 24 of the last edition of NME, when we arrive I'll buy it for you to see. They're just like the magazines show, maybe Noel is a little bit hotter.”

“And this was like the week before I joined the band.” He thought to himself ignoring the last part of what Andy had said.

“Ooh, I hadn't realised that! You have a really bad luck.” He just stared at the floor with a crooked smile playing some riff with my acoustic guitar.

“Is it true that Squire was there?”

“Yeah, he played Champagne Supernova with them…”

After discussing for a couple of minutes, the three of us had come up to the conclusion that Brian should be a permanent member of the band. He was an amazing musician and a good person too. It was going to be weird from now on just sing on stage but I wasn't gonna play the tambourine and pretend to be a fake Liam Gallagher. When we told him that he was gonna be around for a long time if he wanted, it was noticeable the excitement in his face; and then he hugged us all.


	19. Chapter 19

The three gigs in Amsterdam weren't really good. We didn't really connected with the crowd but anyway we had to move on to the following city, Brussels was waiting for us. There were also good news because as Scott had informed us “Stolen Dreams” had reached at number two in the UK charts

We had got a point in which we got bored on the bus. We watched films there, played cards, wrote some songs but then I just took naps because we didn't get much sleep after the gigs due to the after parties, where drugs and booze came and went like nothing. 

One particular afternoon before we arrived to Belgium I was sleeping in one of the bucks. Suddenly a strange noise awaken me. First I noticed that we weren't moving. After a few seconds I could understand what was going on next to me. 

“Yes, don't stop.” A feminine voice whispered followed by rhythmical sounds and a masculine moan. 

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I shouted because of the anger sliding the curtain of my buck away and standing up. Unless the had had the decency to shut their own. 

Afterwards, Brian appeared behind the curtains of the buck just in front mine. Under him there was blonde girl. I knew I wasn't going to forget this image ever, so I got down of the bus. I hadn't realised that since Brian had joined the band we had plenty of groupies following us. I couldn't blame them, Brian was a good looking guy. But I didn't really appreciate that he had sex with them next to me. 

“What happened? I heard you shouting.” Cam asked approaching me. We were at a gas station. I glanced at my watch, we had been on the road for six hours, Phil needed a break. 

“Fucking Brian is fucking someone in the bus!”

“What? Oh, I've seen him with a girl like ten minutes ago…”

“Where's Andy?”

“She was sleeping in the room of the back.”

“Darz!” He came out of the bus wearing only trousers. 

“Fuck off.”

“I thought you were asleep.”

“I was! Till I heard you moaning. What a cunt you are! I don't give a shit about your private life. But I consider really disrespectful that… Ugh!”

The blond got off of the bus, shook her hand, smiled at Brian and left in her car. 

\-----------  
“I know that something happened while I was asleep but I don't know what.” Andy was talking to Cam in whispers, but I just pretended I wasn't hearing. I hadn't spoken all day long and was eager to arrive to the hotel. 

“I'm sorry.” He said while Cam was explaining everything to Andy. I wasn't angry anymore, but it had put me in a bad mood considering I was tired and hadn't spoken to Richard in two days.

“Uh-uh” I nodded. “I forgive you, but just don't this anymore.”

“Ok, I promise.” He said raising both of his hands. 

\------------  
“How was your day?” I was at the hotel room I shared with the girls talking to Richard before the gig. Cam was having a shower and Andy watching the TV. Brian shared one with Alex and Derek. 

“Excellent. I think last night we gave our best gig so far. It's incredible when people sing your songs, that's why I let them sing the best parts, in Amsterdam that didn't happen. Also, I watched free live porn yesterday.”

“Haha, what?”

“Yeah, Brian brought a groupie to the bus…” Now it was a funny story to tell. “And you, how are the rehearsal going.”

“Fine, I've got some new songs. But something isn't quite right. Tongy is a really good guitarist but we don't sound the same. I don't know, it's me perhaps. Perhaps it's for the better.” They were playing to start recording their third album from October, so the following month they would have started recording something. 

“You know you're an amazing musician, everything will work out in the end.” We talked for a few minutes more and then hanged up but not before saying that he loved me. 

“Everything ok in London?” Andy asked. 

“Yeah.” Cam had already come into the room. 

“So, you never told us how big it is.”

“What?” I knew exactly what she was talking about.

“You know what, his cock.” Even Cam looked at me with interest. 

“Tell me about Harry’s cock.”

“It's 9,5 inches. Now tell us.”

“How could you know exactly? I mean, did you measure it? It's impossible that he…” She laughed like crazy. 

“I don't know. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. And believe me when I say it's that big. You said that if I told you, you'd tell us, so…”

“I suppose everything is fine with Harry now.”

“You're changing topics. And, yeah I think we're fine now.”

“Tell us what happened in detail. You only said that it was because of the tour.”

“It was not just the tour. It's the whole situation. He doesn't really like his job, I know he preferred working with his dad in Leeds. Also, he gets paid much less than me and doesn't want to accept my money sometimes because he says I earned it with hard work and it's only mine to spend. I can see in his eyes that he isn't very happy, but then he says that being with me is enough.”

“Wow. He's so sweet.” Cam commented. 

“He is, really. But I don't want him to live with me if that brings him unhappiness.”

“You know that he's not unhappy with you. You have to wait, I know that he'll find a better job and feel better with himself.”

“Yeah, now he's looking for a new job. We'll see. I miss him so much. Anyway, now tell us.”

“I never said I was gonna tell you anything. I asked you to tell me about Harry and you willingly did.”

“You're such a bitch!” She exclaimed laughing with throwing a pillow to my face. 

“Be careful! My glasses, you twat!”


	20. Chapter 20

When we got to France we were really excited to meet with Oliver. He was going to meet Brian and we were going to meet Juliette. France was the fifth country we visited and the one I was more eager to wander around. At the hotel someone knocked. 

“It must be Brian. Hiding of Alex again.” Alex was gay and always trying to flirt with Brian who just ignored him uncomfortable. But I knew that deep inside him, he enjoyed being followed even by men. However, when I opened the door I found my best friends standing a few steps away from me. “Oli!” I shouted hugging him. “I thought you were working today.”

“I was, but they let me go early. My boss couldn't believe I am your friend, she says she has tickets for tonight.”

“Come in. You should have told her that she had VIP tickets in exchange for a raise in your salary. By the way, Richard sends lots of love.”

“Oliver! How are you?” Cam hugged him too. 

“Oli! When are we meeting Juliette?” Andy was the most surprised with the whole situation. 

“Tomorrow, but that's precisely what I wanted to talk about. Please don't make me look like a fool in front of her, this goes for you too.” He said and pointed to Andy and me. 

“Excuse me?” Andy put her right hand over her heart. “Darz and me are many things, but we never act outta place.”

“Don't tell her embarrassing things about my childhood or anything awkward about me. But most important, don't judge her. I'd love that some of the four women most important in my life got along well but I know that's kinda complicated so just try to have a normal conversation with her.”

“Just like you did with Richard when you met him.” I replied while I could hear that Andy and Cam laughing. 

“That was different, because I had just found out you had done dirty things with him.” As usual, this kind of comments brought nothing but laughter. 

“Anyway. We have plenty of things to do. I want to go to the Louvre Museum, to the Moulin Rouge and to Peno’s Art Gallery. And if we've got enough time, to Notre Dame.”

“Tomorrow night we're having dinner at my house and I can join you to the Louvre and Notre Dame during the afternoon, the Moulin Rouge is far from that area, but near to Peno’s so we can do that the day after tomorrow.”

“That's fine for me.”

\-----------  
I liked the Louvre Museum, especially seeing the Mona Lisa and the Winged Victory of Samothrace for the first time, but it's such a big museum that you can't appreciate its full potential, you don't have enough time or get sick of more or less the same paintings. Perhaps, I needed more culture to value it more. The thing that I really liked was the glass inverted pyramid, but the one outside was fantastic to see.

After that, Oli took us to Notre Dame explaining us its history, I was grateful that we went with him because he knew some French, I had heard that people in Paris doesn't give a shit about tourist or people in general who's kinda lost. Anyway, it was a beautiful church, however I had always imagined it was bigger and as it was a cloudy day the light didn't come through the stained-glass windows, so we didn't see them “glowing”. 

Finally, we headed to Oli’s house because that night we didn't have any gig. The building in which he lived was pretty nice. 

“Is Juliette already here?” I asked Oli just when he was opening the door. 

“No, she's outta work in half an hour approximately. But look who is…”

“Harry!” Andy jumped at his arms kissing him.

“What a surprise, Harry! I've missed you.” I said kissing him on the cheek. 

“Did you fly to Paris?” Cam wanted to know. 

“No, I took the Eurostar. You don't even realise you're under water, it's fantastic!”

“And as you can see, none of them knew you were traveling and it was a nice surprise, just what I wanted you to do the other time.” Oli wasn't over it yet. It was lovely being the five of us together again. 

About an hour later, while we were cooking omelettes for everyone, I heard keys and then that someone opened the door. 

“Bonne nuit chérie. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Juliette.” I turned around and saw her, she was a beautiful blonde woman but she was pregnant… That's why Oli had told us not to judge her. I had no doubts this wasn't Oliver’s baby, he would have never put himself through this situation. I was almost sure that he had never touched her. 

“Hi! I'm Darcie.” I was the first who talked because nobody was reacting. “It was about time we met.” After some minutes we were already at the table, still a bit shocked. 

“It's good.” Oli commented talking about the omelette. 

“Uh-uh.”

“Yeah.”

“I know what are you thinking about.” Juliette said stopping eating and looking at all of us. She spoke with a marked French accent. “And I can assure you that's not what this is… My husband died six months ago and without Oliver I don't know what would have happened. I'm not one of those who cry. But when Oliver offered to help me through this I was eternally grateful.”

“I don't know why you haven't told us before, Oli. We totally understand.”

“I did not think well.” he said staring at his plate. 

“If you need anything just ask us, that's why we are here for.” Andy was right. From what I understood that night, Juliette and Oliver weren't a couple yet but the way he rounded her shoulders with his arm made clear that he was falling in love with her. 

“Well, now that we have made everything clear, tell us about you.”

“I work at Peno’s as well, that's where we met. I'm a painter… I lived three years in Florence before…”

Watching Harry kissing Andy’s forehead and Oliver watching Juliette with admiration as she talked, made me really miss my own boyfriend. We had already talked that day but I missed being around him, the physical contact. Cam and me were like strangers in within them. 

\----------  
The following day we invited Brian to the Red Light District. Later on, after a few minutes of walking we arrived to the Moulin Rouge. 

“Darz, this is where you belong, get in!” Andy shouted. 

“I really wanted to come to watch a show.” We couldn't because it was at the same time as the gig. 

It was a really funny experience because Andy and me got into several sex shops only to annoy Oliver, even she bought a pair of handcuffs as a joke while Oli glanced at us with hate. 

“You should have bought a dildo.” I commented just for Andy and Oli to listen while Harry, Cam and Brian were a few steps ahead of us. Oli had an expression of deep disgust. 

“That's why I have Harry. You're the one who should have bought it, I don't see Richard around.”

“I manage alone…” Both of us started laughing really loud. 

“Well, enough. It's horrible that you bought that… thing. I don't think it's fine to talk about this so close to the Basilique du Sacré-Cœur.” To get to the Basilica we walked up what at the end seemed like more than a hundred stairs, but worth it because of the amazing view we had from there. Then when we got into Andy left the handcuffs outside with Brian who waited outside because he was smoking. However it was very disrespectful if she entered it. The Basilica was much more impressive than Notre Dame but less important. 

After that we went to Place du Tertre, the most bohemian square in all Paris. 

“Voulez-vous un portrait, mesdames? Elles sont très belles.”

“They're offering you portraits.” Oli translated. “This is where Juliette was found, before Peno’s hired her.” A few minutes later, we got to Peno’s Art Gallery. 

“Bonjour!” 

“Hi, Juliette. How are you?”

“We've got an exposition tonight so I'm kinda busy.” 

“It's her exposition, that's why we aren't able to go to the gig tonight.”

“Come on, I'll show you.” We went out of the reception and got into another room with paintings hanged. “Last exposition was Oliver’s, but we took everything off because he's selling them well.”

“But yours are amazing.” I loved hyperrealism, almost all of them were faces. 

“It's truly incredible.”


	21. Chapter 21

The time we spent in Paris was totally awesome but we had to go. The last day we went to the Eiffel Tower to say goodbye of the city. We didn't get time to visit Versailles, so we promised to go the next time in Paris.Harry had to go back to England as well. It was sad seeing him go knowing that he was coming back to a job he despised. 

The good news were that Richard was going to fly from London to Madrid, our next stop. That's why I asked for a room for myself in the hotel. 

Scott recommended me not to pick him up from the airport because he knew the press was going to be there and it was good be worse if both of us were there. So I just had to wait in the hotel. I had some presents for him since we weren't together for his birthday.   
I heard a knock on the door and opened it immediately knowing it was him. 

“Hola!” I greeted him in Spanish. “I've missed you so much!” He didn't say anything and just kissed me. Then he put his luggage on the floor next to the bed. 

“I have something for you.” I took one of the bags and gave it to him. It was a Rolling Stones’ T-shirt with their logo, I knew he liked them. He took off the shirt he was wearing and before I could appreciate his chest more he tried on his new T-shirt. It suited him so it was ok. 

“Thank you, love.” 

“I've also bought this… It's a parka, I saw you plenty of times with your greenish one, well now you have one beige.”

“I really appreciate this but the last thing I want to be around you is dressed up.” I surrounded my arms around his shoulders, our lips were so close… 

“Bitch, do you have my striped shirt? Oh, hi Ashcroft!” Andy had got into our room. Richard just smirked and wave his hand moving away from my hug. 

“You could have knocked.”

“You were just about to kiss. If you were going to have sex you should have locked the door. Anyway, I wanted to wear that shirt for the sound check , fuck we're leaving in 20 minutes, I'll keep on looking.” And as soon as she came she left, but all the romanticism had vanished. I started putting my makeup on while he sat on the bed. 

“How are your sisters and your mother?”

“Everything ok. They want to meet you.”

“When I come back we can arrange something. I'd love to go to Wigan.”

“It'd be nice to show you where I grew up.”

“And Si, Peter and Tong?”

“As usual, they're fine.”

“So, how are the recordings going?”

“Not so well, to be honest. The songs don't sound as they did in my head. When we did A Northern Soul it was much easier, I don't know.”

“Perhaps, something is missing… Or someone.” He gazed at me a bit confused, I could see it from the reflection of the mirror. 

“I won't… He left the band.”

“Nick’s your friend. Because of what you told me you used to be close ones. Don't you think a friendship deserves to be given a second chance?”

“We're leaving in 5!” Scott exclaimed from the aisle. 

“We’d better go.” He didn't answer my question but I knew he had kept thinking about it. 

\----------  
After the sound check the two of us went for a walk through the Paseo del Prado holding hands. He was wearing black shades, which made him seem more interesting. 

“I think that Barcelona is better.” Richard commented. We had just been to Barcelona. 

“I sorta prefer Madrid. Barcelona isn't that charming.”

“But in Barcelona you can go to the beach.”

“The beach never fascinated me, I mean I like it but then everything is covered by sand and I end up red like a fucking tomato. Besides I prefer a classic architecture like the one you see here, for example the Palace, which is beautiful, than those weird buildings designed by Gaudí.”

“I've never been to the Palace. Anyway, Barcelona is excluded now of the list of our next destinations.”

“I never said I didn't want to come back, just that I preferred Madrid…”

“Yeah, but you won't come back with me, at least anytime soon. I want to take you to Italy.”

“We’re flying to Italy next week.”

“I know, but you won't go to every place in Italy.”

“You can take me wherever you want.”

“I don't know how to take this.” He said smirking. 

“You can take it however you want to.” I kissed him on the cheek.


	22. Chapter 22

“Hola, Madrid!” Hola was the only word I knew in Spanish. I tried to open every gig greeting them in their own language. 

The gig was amazing, Brian knew our songs better than we did now. As I didn't have anything else to do but hold the mic I just wandered around the stage and occasionally played the acoustic guitar. We had agreed to do a cover at the end of every gig and it was “Waterloo Sunset” by The Kinks, they were one of my favorite bands and the song had acquired a new meaning for me since I went regularly to Waterloo Station. However in Spain they didn't knew this kinda music very much, because they were only starting at us when we played it. 

Later on, Cam, Andy and Brian had decided to go to the after party; the only thing I wanted was to spend time alone with Richard so we went straight to the hotel. 

“Ladies first.” He said after opening the door of our room. “I don't think I've ever heard you sing so passionate.” 

“I think it's maybe because I'm happy. I'm happy that you're here with me now. I would have liked to spend with you your birthday.”

“Age it's just a number.”

“But you don't turn 25 every year. I promise I'll be with you next year. I'm gonna have a shower. I'll be right back.”

I went to the bathroom, closed the door behind me, removed my contact lenses and then took off all my clothes. The weather was much colder this time of the year so I put the water of the shower very hot, and finally got in. After a few minutes, I heard the door opening, honestly I was hoping for him to join me. Every piece of clothing he was removing made a faint sound when he threw it to the floor. Finally, after some seconds he got into the shower. 

I loved it that during sex or right before sex, we didn't speak. If we had to communicate something we just did it with our bodies, especially with the eyes. He took the sponge, put it some soap and started scrubbing the it across my back and my neck, but not before having pulled my hair to one side. He made me feel like the most adored person. 

Then I noticed that he was completely wet, so I turned around and and saw his breathtaking body. Afterwards I started to lick the little water threads that came down his chest. When I got to his stomach he gently touched my chin with two of his fingers and guided my lips to his. When he kissed me with such devotion, I didn't know how I could spend so much time without him. 

One of the most amazing things about Richard was the fact he never seeked his own pleasure. He knew I wasn't going to be comfortable giving him a blow job, that's why he had stopped me when I was likcking his stomach, even though I wasn't gonna do it. He was a disinterested lover.

After that, he tangled his fingers with my hair. Slowly he began caressing with his right hand my cheek, my neck, shoulder, waist and finally my left leg tugging it up at the same level of his hip. With his other arm he was holding me firmly by the waist. As I couldn't stand properly I had to grab the metal tube next to me on the wall with a hand. 

My back was now placed touching the wall. It was strange having his warm chest and hot water in front of me and the cold wall behind me. I knew that I was ready to receive him, by the position of my leg it was easy for Richard to get inside me. I could already feel his hardness pressing against my thigh. I reclined over him a little bit more and then he thrusted into my entrance at last, making me moan. 

Then, with his right hand he replaced my hips a little in order to penetrate deeper inside me. In that moment I thought he had never reached so deep. I couldn't help it but moaning louder. With my free hand I took the back of his head and attacked to me and kissed him again. 

I felt myself building up more and more. A few seconds later I felt his own release in my insides and afterwards I found my own climax. He never dropped my leg and I'm grateful for that because otherwise I would have fallen down due to the magnitude of the orgasm. I gazed him in the eyes and saw nothing but love and pleasure. 

The scene that followed was very sweet. The two of us tried to dry each others body with some towels. However it was kinda difficult because we couldn't stop kissing. 

“This is why I'll ever cherish my memories in Spain. Another reason why Madrid was better than Barcelona.” I thought to myself. 

After that we went to the bed and I fell asleep in his arms the second my head touched the pillow because he had left me exhausted.


	23. Chapter 23

Richard stayed with us a couple of days more and came back to London. This time it was more difficult to say goodbye but the show must go on. We traveled to Italy and finally to Switzerland. Places like Florence or Rome were much more majestic than Zurich, their history, art and architecture were more impressive in my opinion. Besides, I got a cold in Zurich. 

It was the lasts days of November when we came back to England. We would do several gigs more in December in Liverpool, Manchester and maybe Ireland, that depended on Scott. But, in general the rest of the year we would just take a break. At the beginning of February we were flying to America, then again to the UK for a month and finally to Japan. 

It was good to be back. I had loved meeting new countries and learning about their culture, but being in my flat again, in my own room, with my own things was a feeling that I had been missing. Besides, I loved spending time with the girls and the rest of the crew, however after seeing them every minute of every day is kinda tiring. 

One night the girls and me visited The Verve at Olympic Studios. They were recording a song called “The Drugs Don't Work”, Richard had written it the previous year. I could only imagine how he felt to write such a sad song. It made me wanna interrupt the whole recording and hold him in my arms. 

“It's good, Rich.” Si commented once the song was over. 

“I know it's good, but it could be better. There are so many things left to do, but we're on the right direction. The guitar doesn't sound quite right yet, but we'll fix if.” He got up of the chair he was sitting in front of the mic and removed over his head the strap of his acoustic guitar. He was clearly not convinced with the results they were having, however it was evident his confidence. “I also know that the album is gonna be successful, more than A Northern Soul, the songs are richer.”

“Do you know how is the album gonna be called?” Cam asked him. 

“Yeah, I have an idea. I liked “Urban Hymns”. What's more, I've written a few new songs.”

“He has one that is amazing, show them.” Si encouraged him, but it was clear that he wasn't very willing to do it. 

“Please, we want to listen some of the new songs!” I pleaded. 

“Yeah, do it.”

“Ok, ok… Actually this isn't new, I wrote it last year.” He grabbed his guitar again, played some chords and began singing. “My friend and me // Looking through her red box of memories // Faded I'm sure // But love seems to stick in her veins you know // I stop and I say hello // I wanted you to know // My, my.” I loved the fact that when he sung he didn't open his eyes until the song was over, it was like he really connected and got into the music. Suddenly he stopped singing and opened his eyes. “It's called ‘Sonnet’, it's far from finished.”

Each time I heard one of his new songs, I was more convinced that he was the best songwriter I've ever seen; not even me would never reach his same level. Moreover, his voice was completely compelling, he left you wanting more. Due to the atmosphere he had created in the room, nobody said anything, just stared at him with amazement. 

\---------

Later, that evening the two of us were just talking on his couch after dinner. I was lying on his chest while he was caressing my left arm, listening to his heart beat relaxed me. 

“I was wondering if you'd like to spend Christmas with me this year... In Wigan, with my mother, my stepfather and Victoria because Laura has travelled to Denmark for a course.” I had spent the last five Christmas with Cam’s family, it was almost like a tradition. 

“I really wanted to meet your family but I don't want to…”

“I love you, that's how I know they'll like you too.” He gave me a tender kiss on the lips. 

“I don't know, maybe Diana and Joseph have already made plans counting with me.”

“I'd be glad if you were able to go, I could take you walking where I used to play and then to Winstanley College, but I'd understand if you didn't go.”

“Let me think about it for a couple of days.”

“Well, then. If it's not now, I still want to take you to Billinge. I want you to know everything about me. You know quite a lot already but…”

“I know that Joseph and Diana are planning to come over in January. They've been the closest thing to a family I had, so I'd love them to meet you.” He gave me a little smile and planted a kiss on my head. “Anyway, ‘Sonnet’ is such a beautiful song. It was breathtaking hearing you sing like that.”

“I was inspired because you were there.” When he said things like that my heart melted, so I caressed his cheek. 

“You are still saying that everything is not finished yet, and that there are things missing. What are you planning to do?”

“I'll keep mixing up with Youth until I'm satisfied with the result.”

“But you said the problem was related to the guitar…”

“Oh, Darz. He left, it's clear he don't want to be with us. And when the first single comes out and does well in the charts, he'll regret having left.”

“Or he could celebrate it with you. Forget about your fucking fight and think about the whole band. Tong is not as good as McCabe, and you know it.” I had listened to A Storm In Heaven and A Northern Soul enough times to know that the lead guitar work had nothing to do with how Tong did it. “You got into a depression when the band split up, and as much as I want to have been there, I wasn't and it seriously affected you.” He didn't say a word or looked at me.


	24. Chapter 24

One night Andy invited me, Richard and Cam for dinner. When we came into the house the atmosphere was tense, it was obvious that Harry and Andy had had an argument. She had a cold gaze in her eyes and wasn't acting as cheerfully as she always did. I didn't know how to act in this situations so I just sat on the couch. 

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Harry was putting sugar all over the spaghetti. 

“Fuck!”

“You see! You're now thinking correctly! I don't know where the fuck is your mind lately! That's why you shouldn't make decisions right now!” I was starting to understand the reason of the discussion. She suggested that he opened a branch of his father's company in London for him to be in charge of it, so she offered him money to do it and leave the job he hated so much. 

“It's a decision that was always made! I don't want your money, I never did! If I took it, I'd feel that you are doing it for charity.” Richard headed to the kitchen, where the phone was and I could hear that he was ordering some pizzas. 

“Fucking twat! I'd do it because I love you and I want you to be happy! You hate your job.” Suddenly, the doorbell rang. I stood up and opened the door. 

“You don't know what happened…” I said while hugging Cam as her expressions showed confusion. 

\------------

A few days later I was at Cam's flat. She was making tea for the two of us. 

“Did Harry and Andy make up?”

“I didn't want to ask. I'm scared.” I said with an expression of fake fear on my face. “If you had been there when they started arguing.”

“Well, but then when we were having dinner it was too awkward too.”

“Yeah, I understand Harry's position but he should set his pride aside and accept the money.” 

“But she won't convince him to take it if they don't talk about it and just shout.” Cam was right. 

“I don't know. At least we didn't eat those sweet spaghettis Harry made.”

“Haha, gross. Hey, my parents want to know if you're coming with us in Christmas and New Year's Eve.”

“I been thinking about it… But Richard Ashcroft invited me to Wigan, with his family.”

“And what are you gonna do?”

“I really want to go but then I start thinking that I won't feel comfortable there, and I feel guilty because I have to do it for him.”

“My parents would really like you to be there, but it's not a bad idea if you went with him.”

“I think I'll go. Tell your parents that I am going to miss them this year and that I'm looking forward to seeing them in January.”

“Ok.”

“Is Lou coming too?” Lou was Cam’s younger sister. 

“Yeah, she is.”

“That's nice.”

\-----------

On the 18th of December took place our last gig of the year in London. But we had one hour before going on stage. Brian was chatting with some groupie and we were just in the dressing room. 

“So… Is everything ok with Harry now?” I had to know what had happened. 

“Yeah, we kinda figured it out what to do.”

“And?”

“He took the money! I won!” She laughed like an insane person. “But don't tell him that.”

“But, how did you manage to do it?”

“We agreed that when the branch starts producing money, he'll give it back to me. But I said that he can give it back to me in other ways.”

“Cool. Please don't invite me to your house ever again when you're having an argument with Harry.”

“Well, we had just started arguing like fifteen minutes before you arrived.”

“It was horrible thing to witness, I don't ever want to be part of something like that.” I said joking but it was in part true. 

“When will it open?” Cam asked her with interest. 

“In January we'll start arranging everything, so I suppose that in June or July. And he is planning to quit his job in February.”


	25. Chapter 25

The 21nd of December we arrived to Wigan, it iis a town in located Greater Manchester, on the River Douglas about 12 miles away from Manchester City Centre. So many good bands had been formed in this area of the county. We would miss Andy’s birthday the following day but anyway she had travelled back to Leeds. 

When I got into his childhood home, I immediately felt this atmosphere of coziness, especially the fireplace situated in the living room on the left. Outside was really cold but not snowing yet. 

“Hi, there.” a woman in her mid forties almost fifties came to greet us. 

“Hi mum.” Richard said while he hugged her. “As you already know this is Darcie. Darz, this is my mother, Louise.”

“Oh, your face is cold. I was looking forward to meeting you, Darcie. Let's go to the kitchen, I've got some tea.”

We stayed with her like for an hour talking about the trip, our life in London, our carriers until I gave my watch a glance and noticed it was 5pm.

“As much as I'd like to keep on chatting with you, I should keep going to the hotel. But I'll come back just in time for dinner.”

“Hotel? I had prepared for you Laura's room. Please, stay. No one will bother you here.”

“I don't mean to be a…”

“I've prepared a pudding and we have flapjack bites.” She looked at me expectant, as I began to grin slowly. 

“Ok, I can't fight against flapjack bites.” 

“Well, then.” Louise said smiling. “Come with me upstairs so you can leave there your things.” After that we came back to the kitchen where Richard suggested to go for a walk before dinner. I wasn't too willing to go because of the weather but I knew he wanted to show me his hometown so I agreed because we didn't know if we would have time later. However, I put on like three sweaters first. 

“Look, that's where my mum works. Now they're on holiday.” Louise was a hairdresser. Maybe someday, I would ask her to cut my hair. There weren't many people in the streets. After a few minutes we reached an small church. 

“That's where my dad was buried. Since I was a kid, I've wanted to be in the best rock 'n' roll band in the world. But I wouldn't be here now if my father hadn't died. Death makes you re-evaluate life. I was 11, as you already know, and while the other kids played with Action Man, I was questioning life. I decided I was never going to be locked into a predictable existence. From that moment, I felt it was set in stone that when I left school, I'd be in a band and would make it." Again, when he said things like this he made me wanna do the impossible to protect him. I removed my gloves and grabbed his hand between mine and kissed it. Then he took a small box of cigarettes from his pocket and started smoking. 

“I'm glad you've found a way of making things the best possible. That shows your strength.” He hugged me and gave me a kiss on my forehead. 

“Next stop, Upholland High School.” It was a big, old building. “This is where I met Si, Tongy and Peter. One of my teachers once referred to me as the cancer of the class.”

“Oh my God, why?” I asked him laughing. 

“I guess I was a little restless. Oh, look! I spent hours of my life playing football over there. I was going to be a professional footballer, you know?”

“And what happened?”

“I just got more interested in music.” Like ten minutes later we reached our last stop of this small and emotional tour. “Here we are, Winstanley College, where I met McCabe... I called him.”

“Fuck. Did you really?” I was seriously surprised. 

“Yeah. You're right, he's the thing that's missing and he's my friend. I called to apologize and then asked him if he wanted to come back…”

“You really surprise me every day, I love you.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him. 

“We'll start recording with him the first week of January.”

“Have you told the guys?”

“No one knows it but you… And him, of course. I wanted you to be the first person to know since you were the one who pushed things forward.”

Afterwards we came back to his house and I met Bax, his stepfather, everyone called him like that because his surname was Baxter; and Victoria. She told me how he was considered an outsider in school, and expressed himself by experimenting with different haircuts and hair colors. After dinner, she put some music on the radio and for my delight they were playing Mersey Paradise by the Roses, one of my favorites. 

At the end of this wonderful day, I headed to my room but before I could get in he grabbed my hand, made me turn around and kissed me. Casually, his room was the one next to mine; I didn't know if I'd sleep calmly knowing he was so close to me and without being able to do all the things I wanted to do to him.


	26. Chapter 26

The day before Christmas I met his uncle Paul. He was named Richard Paul after him. He didn't see him that often because he was the brother of his father and since Frank died he lost some of the contact he had with Paul. 

I felt really comfortable with his family. His mother was very sweet and was determined to make me eat every dessert in the entire Wigan, I didn't speak that much with Bax but I realized that he was a cultured man with very deep thoughts, it was obvious that he had affected Richard to become a songwriter; and finally I got along very well with Victoria, she loved to tell childhood stories about Richard. On Christmas day, I was placidly sleeping when, all of a sudden I felt a kiss on my cheek. 

“Merry Christmas, love.” I hated being awaken, but when I saw his eyes looking at me with such tenderness, I forgot about everything. 

“Merry Christmas, dear.”

“I wanted to give you my present before everyone starts wandering around the house.” He exclaimed as he handed me a box. When I opened I realised that it was a watch, he knew I couldn't live without knowing what time it was, I could say that's one of my obsessions, and lately the one I had wasn't working so well. 

“Thank you, my love.” I put my new watch in my left wrist and stood up to take his present. “Open it.” It was a Man United official T-shirt. Richard was an avid football player when he was a kid, playing junior football for Wigan Athletic. He was a Manchester United fan, and one of his idols was George Best. 

“Thanks!” I could see he was really excited. “But I don't know why you keep giving me clothes, when I all want is to take off all of yours.” He gave me a little peck on the temple. “I've something else.” He said while taking an envelope from his pocket. “It's not much but anyway I don't want to be here when you read it, so I'll leave you alone. I'll be waiting in the kitchen.” And he left me standing there with the envelope in my right hand. When I opened I realized that they were lyrics, they were titled “Lucky Man”. 

Happiness  
More or less  
It's just a change in me  
Something in my liberty  
Oh, my, my

Happiness  
Coming and going  
I watch you look at me  
Watch my fever growing  
I know just where I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?  
How many times do I have to learn  
All the love I have is in my mind?

Well, I'm a lucky man  
With fire in my hands

Happiness  
Something in my own place  
I'm standing naked  
Smiling, I feel no disgrace  
With who I am

I hope you understand  
I hope you understand

Gotta love that'll never die

 

Because I'm a lucky man to have you,   
R. A. 

I felt like my present lacked of meaning compared to this. I came down the stairs and found him where he said he would be. I just kissed him to transmite al least a glimpse of all the love the song had made me feel. His family hadn't got up yet, so we didn't have any problems in continuing kissing. Being in the kitchen, being together like this made me remember when we had sex in my own kitchen. The next thing I knew, was that my back was pressed against the wall. I wanted to rip his clothes off; wanted him to get inside me right there against the wall. It had been days we didn't experiment that feeling of complete satisfaction that couldn't be achieved without love. However, my conscious didn't leave me alone. I almost forgot it all when he put his hand inside my shirt and too close to my breast. I slowly began to kiss him with less intensity and until I broke our kiss. 

“I can't. I want to have you anywhere, anytime but this doesn't feel right. It's like too disrespectful regarding your mother and sister. Besides I wouldn't be comfortable doing it knowing…”

“It's alright.” He grabbed my face with both of his hands and caressed my cheeks. “I just… I wasn't planning to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. But I needed to remember what our bodies together can generate to my heart, in such a chaste thing as a kiss. I just got carried away… Sorry.”

Suddenly Victoria got into the kitchen, and I was grateful she saw this tender scene rather than the one that has been developed a few minutes earlier. 

“Morning.” luckily she just ignored us. 

The rest of the day we just ate a lot and sang Christmas songs, my favorite one will ever be “Merry Christmas Everybody”. They showed me that you don't have to be a multitude to spend a nice Christmas. I had bought gifts for them too; a cashmere scarf for Louise, a simple silver bracelet for Victoria and just chocolates for Bax. Then Louise give me their present, it was a precious necklace with a red gem embedded. After a while, when they were at the living room, I went to the kitchen and noticed that Louise was there too. 

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah.” I replied smiling. 

“My son and you seem to get along very well. He is much better than last year and I think you have contributed to that. Once he called me so devastated that I just didn't know what to do. He had a hard childhood and I'm afraid he never lived life as someone at his age should, or maybe it’s the other way round and decided to live too much; I'm not a fool and I know about the drugs… Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud.” Fuck, this always happened to me, she took my lack of response as disinterest. 

“Oh, no. I only want the best for him as well. Everything seems to be fine now, he got the band together again, next year they're releasing their third album, so…”

“Of course, I wanted to thank you for that. And, I know about your parents too, if you ever need someone, we're here for you. I know we can't be compared to them but…”

“Thank you so much. Richard is an amazing person so, I supposed his family was too, but this is something else.” All of a sudden, she hugged me. 

“I can see in his eyes as well as yours that you love each other. Take care of him, will you?”

“I'll do my best.”


	27. Chapter 27

I spent with them New Year's Eve as well. It was nice to be away for a while from the hustle and bustle of London. But it was time for us to come back. 1996 had been a mental year, so many things had happened, and I hoped for ‘97 to be even better. 

We were giving several gigs in the entire UK and they had an album to record. The first week of January I met Nick McCabe while I visited them at Olympic Studios. They were recording “One Day”, a very beautiful ballad. I was glad Ashcroft realised Nick McCabe's unique guitar style was required to complete the true Verve; and more important, they were friends again. Tong also remained adding more guitar and keyboard textures, making them a five-piece band and expanding their sound. The four-piece had already recorded several tracks for the album with Youth as producer, but now that had McCabe returned they were re-recording several tracks and had also changed producers to Chris Potter.

“Hi, I'm Darcie.”

“Yeah, I know. Ashcroft’s bird.” He took a drag of his cigarette. 

“We could say that.”

“As far as I know, you've got a band too.”

“Yeah, we're Space Sirens.”

“I think I've heard some tunes. You play guitar?”

“I do but not live, generally. But when I do it I play rhythm guitar or acoustic guitar. I used to play bass live. I'm the singer.”

“Oh, Ashcroft’s found a woman of his same kind.”

\-----------

At the middle of January, Cam’s parents arrived at London. I had really missed them. So, one night she invited all of us to her house for dinner. There was her sister too, Lou was 22. It was also the day Richard was gonna meet Joseph and Diana. I noticed that he was trying not to smoke, because he put his hand in his pocket for a few seconds and then took it out. Diana liked him because he was well determined, and knew what he wanted in life; Joseph not so much, so he started asking him some difficult questions, it was amusing to watch really, because Richard somehow answered correctly. 

One of the days they were staying, we were giving a gig. Joseph and Diana were there and seemed a bit outta place. On the contrary, Lou played guitar too so we invited her on stage for a few tunes. It was amazing, everyone was happy. 

The 20th of February Blur released “Beetlebum”, it was really different from their previous work. The songs of their other albums were too optimistic, their videos too colourful, they moved too much all over the place. This song was a total change, I saw the video and it captivated me, especially the lyrics “She'll suck your thumb, she'll make you come”, they were so intimate. Albarn had written a much more deep song; the band's behaviour throughout the video is muted compared to their earlier videos, such as "Girls And Boys", "Parklife", and "Country House". I had always preferred Oasis’ “Roll With It” rather than “County House” during the battle of Britpop. Anyway, I really liked their music, “The Universal”, “This Is A Low” or “For Tomorrow” were incredible songs. But this new song was something else, that's why it got to number one in the UK charts. If an artist change so much his or her style it's because something happened in their personal life. I really wanted to see them live. 

Besides Heavy Rain was about to release their new album. They were already compared to us, two bands, with most of female members that had got into the industry nearly at the same time. That Jane bitch was completely annoying, she was always talking about she had studied music at College and that, as she was better that us just because of it. We had something that they didn't, and it was that young people felt identified seeing us, our lyrics described them, the melodies were appealing… In my opinion it their music lacked of soul. 

I had mixed feelings because I was excited to travel to America the first days of February, but that meant we were going to miss when Juliette’s son was born and I really wanted to be there for Oli. Besides, I was going to meet my brother in America after a long time, and I didn't know much about him so it was a mystery for us to reunite. This time Harry was travelling with us, he had quit his job earlier of what he had planned to join us before he opened the branch of the company; he was a fun guy, so it would be nice to travel with him, especially for Andy. It was horrible to spend all this time away from Richard but it was a sacrifice we had to do to fulfil our dreams.


	28. Chapter 28

The evening before we travelled to America, I went to the studio, they were recording “Bitter Sweet Symphony”, a song about the ups and downs of life, about the real struggle life is. They were starting to record it with professional violinists, which made it an amazing symphonic rock song, or in other words a baroque song. Guitar arrangements sounded so much better now. Anyway it seemed quite familiar to me. After a while I figured it out what it made me remember to. It was similar to “The Last Time" by The Rolling Stones, so I asked about it. 

“We negotiated a licence to use a six-note sample from the Oldham recording.” Nick explained with a little smirk. “So, it's not plagiarism, if that's what you mean.”

“In that case, I shut up.” I watched them organise their instruments but Richard was just sitting in front of the piano writing something down. 

“I want to finish with this, I'm almost done, just a sec, please.” He was arranging which instrument should sound in each part of the song, at the same time that he played some notes in the piano and wrote it frantically on the sheet of paper. To be honest, I really wanted to go home because the following day was gonna be a little complicated, but I knew he wasn't gonna relax until he had finished with that. I watched them one by one leave the studio and heard that someone locked the door, until the only light on was the little one on his left, next to the piano. I knew Richard had a key of the studio, so we could stay there a little bit longer. He looked really concentrated in what he was doing. I got closer to him slowly, sat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. 

“Sorry.” He apologised putting the pen aside. 

“It's ok.” I touched his left cheek and made his head be directed to me and then I kissed him. He kissed me back wrapping me with his arms. Then he broke our kiss and pressed his forehead on mine. 

“I'm going to miss you so much.” He said without opening his eyes.

“So, give us a good memory to remember.” As soon as he heard that, he pushed my back gently against the keys, making a rumbling noise, and kissed me there for a few seconds. 

All of a sudden, he lifted me and carried me in his arms to the right side of the piano, where he placed me on the shimmering wood. Then he started caressing my ankle and going up throughout my leg until he reached the fabric of my skirt; under which, he slided both of his hands in. When he was able to get to my hips, he grabbed my knickers and started to push them down my legs slowly. 

After that, Richard he let them fall, and leaned over facing my thighs, and giving pecks everywhere near them, making my skirt be almost at the same level of my hips with his head. I willingly opened more my legs to give him more space. Moments later, he found my folds and his tongue touched right above my entrance making me moan loud. He started tracing circles on my clit and inserted in one of his fingers. At the same time, I felt his other hand inside my shirt going up straight to my waist, and left it there reassuring me. 

All I wanted to do was dig my hands in his hair, but I knew if I did that I wasn't going to be able to sit properly because I was already feeling that my back was arching. I didn't want to let most of my weight fall violently over the piano and damage it, so both of my hands were nailed to the wood behind my back. As his fingers were pumping in and out, I could feel myself closer. Eventually I came, whispering his name softly. If it hadn't been thanks to his firm arm around my waist, my arms wouldn't have supported me. 

After a while, I noticed he had too many clothes on, so I grabbed his denim shirt and threw it to the floor. In less than a minute later, we had already took off all of our clothes. He rounded one of my nipples with his lips. He then embraced me, making a deep eye contact, as I wrapped my legs around his waist. Finally, he slipped inside of me unrushed; this type of physical contact with him, made me wonder why I was even leaving the following day. I preferred to think about the sounds, our fast heartbeats, our ragged breaths, my moans, his groans; it was better than listening to music, we were at a studio after all. 

The pleasure I was having, was incredibly intense. I felt my walls tightening around him while I immersed in a profound ecstasy, as he followed me a few seconds later burying his face in the hair covering my neck. This orgasm had been multiple times better than the one before because we had achieved it together. 

“‘A woman's body is like a violin and all, and that it takes a terrific musician to play it right.’ I always liked that phrase by J.D. Salinger.” He quoted without making any moves. 

“You're not a violinist, so you don't know how to play ‘it’ right.” I joked. 

“Well, I don't agree with you there. I may not be a violinist, but I'm a great musician anyway. Besides, I can see in your eyes how satisfied you are right now.” He claimed smirking. I was pleased indeed, I loved the confidence he had on himself.


	29. Chapter 29

In the plane, Brian and Cam were sitting together. However for my disgrace, I was sitting crossing the aisle next to Andy and Harry. Since they had made up, they were even worse than before, every day, kissing, touching, fucking… Maybe, I was exaggerating the situation because seeing them made me remember of Ashcroft, and what had we done the other day at the studio. Anyway, it was kinda annoying. 

I had slept for a few hours, but I don't usually sleep really well, so I slept even less on the plane. As Noel Gallagher had wisely written once: “Sleeping on a plane, you know you can't complain.” It was dark, so I couldn't see what time it was, but I was sure there were like three hours left. Then, I heard that Harry was slowly moving in order not to awake Andy, failing in his task because she started moving too. 

“Babe, I'm going to the toilet. I'll be right back.” He whispered, and headed to the back of the plane. I saw her, looking in his direction grabbing firmly both of the armrests without resting her back in the seat. 

“Don't even think about it.” She didn't know that I was awake, so I could see surprise in her face. Then she just smiled maliciously, and before I knew it she stood up and followed him.

I looked around to see if someone else had noticed it, but everyone seemed to be placidly sleeping, even Cam and Brian. I couldn't believe they were about to have sex on the plane. I just stayed there, trying not to concentrate too much on the noises, in case they were being loud. It wasn't like they were gonna stop if I said something. I could have sex in many places, but doing it in a public space or semi public was too much. I didn't seem right to annoy other people with something like this. I was worried someone complained to the flight attendant, that could bring consequences like never being able to travel with that company again. 

After a few minutes, Harry came back alone with his shirt was badly buttoned, and sat. I stared at him and eventually he noticed my reproachful look. Moments later, Andy came back smiling with her hair messier than it was before. 

“Fucking pricks.” I muttered shaking my head and turning my back to them, in order to try to sleep again. 

Andy’s POV  
I had to knock the toilet door twice before Harry opened it, he clearly didn't know what was happening. I pushed the door and kissed him fiercely, getting into the toilet too and closing the door behind me. I had made sure most people were sleeping and that the flight attendances weren't near. 

I unbuttoned his shirt as fast as I could, and I was pretty sure I teared off one of them. We had limited space but we could manage. Afterwards, I took the shirt off and started licking his chest while enjoying the so close view of the tattoos on his chest. At the same time I was sliding down his body, he buried his hands in my hair. I loved this man so much, but he already knew that so I didn't see the point in telling him that when we had limited time. It was a necessity to touch his body like this and doing it there was way more exciting. A little part of me was doing this just to annoy Darcie, she worried too much sometimes. 

I unzipped his jeans and pulled them down along with his boxers to the perfect height. His dick was aching and already hard, something amusing to look at. Then, I took his full length into my mouth, bobbing my head. Every time he fucked my mouth, I loved watching him, I was the the only one who could make him close his eyes in pleasure and make moan like he was doing it but trying to supress. As he was thrusting harder and harder, I knew he was getting closer, so I stopped. 

“Oh, fuck! Why…?” He was already whining as I pulled down my jeans and knickers and pushed him against me. I wasn't going to leave him unsatisfied, I wasn't that cruel. He didn't take long to slam inside me. In normal circumstances I would have screamed his name. I slided my hands inside his shirt, this was so intense that I started scratching his back, I didn't want to hurt him but hearing him groaning while I was doing it really turned me on. Besides, it was a way of pulling him closer to me. 

“Fuck. You're so tight.” Harry exclaimed outta breath whispering into my ear, I loved it when he said that. 

How many people could say that they had sex without stepping on firm ground? After that he found my lips and kissed me passionate. As usual, he had awakened sensations in my body, no other men would have done. My back was pressed against the sink, but I didn't care as long as Harry continued what he was doing. He came first, holding me tight with his arms while I followed him, giving him a little peck on his neck. My body was shaking and he was grinning. Seconds later, we help each other to dress quickly. 

“You go first, I'll be there in a while.” He just nodded and we kissed one last time in there. I stayed there a couple of minutes thinking how happy I was to have him. When I came back, it was like nothing had happened, only Darcie had noticed it, I didn't really gave a fuck.


	30. Chapter 30

The tour in America was fine, but we passed from being a pretty famous band to a relative unknown one. The solution to that is appearing in every possible interview and giving a great amount of gigs. I didn't feel at home there, but it had to be done if we wanted to be a popular band all over the world. Apart from that, I met people who I could never have meet if we hadn't been there, I would never forget them, that was the good thing. Juliette had had her baby and we weren't able to be there, I was so happy for Oli but I didn't know when we were gonna meet little Silvain. 

The drugs came and went like they were water, during the after parties everyone was doing a line of what they thought it was cocaine or smoking something. I had a band to run, and I was going the best way possible because we weren't going to be given another chance. I would stick to alcohol. 

We returned to the UK for a couple of days for the Brit Awards it was Monday, February 24, 1997. We were nominated for British Single of the Year for “Outsiders” and for British Breakthrough Act. The winner for British Single was “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls, I hated that song. “Outsiders” was better than that fucking song, “Don't Look Back In Anger” was twice as better than than song. Anyway, I just smiled for the camera. My mood changed when we won British Breakthrough Act, I was kinda expecting it to be honest, the other artists hadn't done as good in the charts as us did. The best part was that Heavy Rain had lost, fucking Jane and those little bitches. 

“I just wanna thank my family and Harry, my boyfriend, without you this wouldn't have been possible.” Andy was the first to talk, grabbing the award

“Hi, dad.” Brian said. 

“I want to thank Ashcroft, he's a daily inspiration for me. And of course to our fans, you make it all worth it.” Cam just smiled nodding, and we got down of the stage. I looked at Jane in the eyes and I could see her grinning but with deep disgust in here eyes. 

I couldn't believe than a year before we were still in Leeds. Now we had to win British Group of the Year. Afterwards, they took us some pictures for different magazines and we were finally able to go. When I met Richard again he hugged me and gave me a necklace with a little silver Gibson he had bought me, I loved it. 

\-----------  
The last day I was staying in the UK to go back to America, we went to Surrey, to Ridge Farm Studios. Oasis were recording there, their new album there, that as far as I knew, it was gonna be called “Be Here Now”. The previous week Liam had invited Richard to join them and perform some backing vocals, before accepting he asked me if I wanted to go to. Of course that I said yes, he was eager to collaborate with Noel and Liam, and I wanted to meet them again, I really liked them. 

Their producer was Owen Morris too, so I was happy to see him again. In the studio was Liam alone, then I found out that Noel was not present during any of Liam's vocal track recordings, maybe the Gallagher brothers were having one of those dramatic fights again. That was a pity, because Noel was the one who I admired the most and would have liked to have a conversation with him. Liam's hair was way shorter now, he looked more handsome; Richard's hair was kinda long, I hoped he got it cut soon. I could see cocaine in many places all over the studio, and the room was foggy because everyone was smoking. 

The song was “All Around The World”. Noel had written it even before they were famous, the reason they hadn't recorded that song is because there wasn't enough money in Creation Records' bank balance to pay for the production of the track needed. Noel wanted to add a full orchestra and finally now they were able to do it. They were changing a little bit with this song how they recorded, because usually Noel was the only one who did backing vocals for Liam. But now they needed more voices for this mega production apart from Noel's, and that included Patsy Kensit, Liam's girlfriend, and Meg Matthews, Noel's girlfriend; who would record the backing vocals later. 

Liam seemed pretty high, but it was nice to talk to him for a few minutes, he asked me if I wanted to do the backing vocals too, but I didn't want to force my voice too much, two days later we had a gig. The song was full of “las” and “nas”, my favourite part was: “Take me away // 'Cause I just don't wanna stay // And the lies you make me say // Are getting deeper every day.”, Noel was a terrific songwriter, and Liam's voice was very unique. 

Their voices sounded amazing together, facing at the same microphone. There were some glasses and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s; I poured some and handed them the beverage. Surprisingly Liam didn't want to drink it but Richard accepted it, so I drank the one that was meant for Liam. I stayed behind the wall of glass, watching them doing what they did best, in order not to interfere with the sound. Liam was chilled out, however Richard seemed a bit more agitated. Both of them standed out, Richard with his red shirt and Liam with his denim shirt. I needed to capture this epic moment. I had taken my camera with me, so I took some pictures of them singing; two of the best frontmen of our time.


	31. Chapter 31

Another good thing about America was being able to see Trevor again. I wished we could have been as close as once we were, but it seemed he was happy with his job and his new life. 

After the American tour we came back for a few days to the UK, and then we flew to Japan. The experience there was completely different from what I had imagined. At the airport people were actually waiting for us, they took a lot of photos with us and we signed even more autographs, not only there but everywhere we went. Girls and boys of a varied range of ages screaming my name, Andy’s, Cam’s and Brian’s. 

These people who didn't even share our language, were crazy about the band. During the gigs it was noticeable that they were into our music. It was amazing to learn some things about their so different culture too. 

One evening before of one the gigs we were watching TV, just to see what Japanese TV programmes were like. Suddenly, a video of Heavy Rain playing live the previous month in Tokyo appeared. 

“These bitches.” I commented. Then Jane's face occupied the whole screen. 

“What do you think about Space Sirens?” An interviewer asked her with a distinctive Japanese accent. 

“What I should think something about them? I don't give a fuck.”

“The fucker is still whining about that they lost in the Brit Awards.” Cam said shaking her head. 

“They're said to be your rivals, just like Oasis vs Blur almost two years ago.” The interviewer continued. 

“We can talk about rivals when they write their own tunes, because it's obvious Richard Ashcroft is the one composing them. Their singer is his girlfriend, isn't she? The guy is in love and she takes credit for the songs. Their music is quite similar to The Verve's.” The only time I felt this kind of anger was during the whole Anderson thing. From that day, the story that Richard wrote our tunes went viral, this male chauvinist industry contributed in some way to that. 

“Have you heard that fucking story?” I called Richard the following day. 

“Yeah. I tried to call you yesterday but no one picked up. Everyone is asking me about it.” 

“Fuck, sorry, we might have been at the club. I don't fucking care they talk shit about me… But it's an offence to the saying we don't write our own music. I mean, they can write whatever the want about my personal life… But, fucking hell, this the only thing I do well.”

“It's not the only thing you do well, but it's what pisses me off the most. I tell every cunt that brings that up, that I don't have nothing to do with your music.” He sounded tired, a little strange considering it was 9am for him; his voice had also a glimpse of sadness. 

“I'm fucking… I don't want to think about this anymore, when the time comes I'll figure out what to say. How are you?”

“Fine… I miss you… Anyway, I love seeing those pics of you surrounded by the Japanese masses. It's a good sign, if artists don't build a fanbase in their first first years it's highly doubtful they'll be more successful than that. You're doing great.”

“I hope so. What are your doing this week?”

“Some recording more, we're finishing the album. We think it's gonna be released in September. Liam came up to the studio yesterday, he did some backing vocals as well.”

“Oh, that's amazing! For what song did he do the vocals?”

“For ‘Come On’, and then he did a mega contribution clapping in ‘Space And Time’.”

“Haha, ‘Space And Time’ is beautiful.” I didn't want to say anything about how that song reflected his mood, and our relationship in general: “Can you just tell me it's all right? // Let me sleep tonight // Can you comfort me tonight? // Make it all seem fine // I just can't make it alone.” I had read them when I flew back to the UK for the Brit Awards. He never said anything about me leaving or him feeling alone, but his lyrics exposed him. 

“Also, Laura is staying here for a few days, I would have liked you to meet her.”

“Darz! We're leaving!” Scott was already shouting. 

“Well, I'm sure I'll meet her soon. I have to go to a sound check. Then I'll call you again. Love you.”

“Love you. Bye.”

The rest of the days in Japan were a more tiring than usual, but the tour wasn't over yet. We had more gigs in the UK, Europe and finally the UK again. I had been away from Richard more than a month That's when I started thinking about the future, if our relationship continued developing I wouldn't know how to be so much time away from him. This relationship had begun six months before, I didn't want to think when were years together, it would be virtually impossible. The worst thing that was happening was the fact that I wasn't writing any songs. The year before I used to write at least three songs a week. This situation was seriously affecting us and we needed to find a solution.


	32. Chapter 32

Before continuing with the tour we had a week of break in which we came back to London. That weekend we were going to Paris to meet Silvain before flying to Stockholm. But he had to relax for a little while before that. 

One night, Richard and me were heading to a pub quite far his house to meet with the guys, we had decided to go walking just to chat and spend more time together. When we were arriving a bunch of reporters came up to us, asking several questions at the same time and taking a lot of pictures. 

“Is it true that he writes your songs?”

“Don't believe the hype.” I said trying to keep on waking. 

“So you deny writing any kind of melodies or lyrics for ‘Space Sirens’ and hasn't been credited for it.” They were asking Richard now. 

“Of course I deny it. I only write songs for my band and so does she.”

“The one thing I admit is that without him some of our songs wouldn't exist, but because he's my daily inspiration. If you'll excuse us, we have to meet our mates.”

We spent a good time with Si and Nick there. Si, as usual was really funny, you couldn't have a boring conversation with him, I thought in that moment that he was like a male version of Andy. On the other hand, Nick was more centered and knew more than anyone about music, we shared a lot of favourite songs and bands. These two were the ones members of The Verve that I got on very well apart from Richard; Tong and Pete were ok but I never really talked to them. 

“Are you ready to go?” Ashcroft asked me after a while. Nick and Si were already at the bar asking for more beers talking to some random girls, while we were still at the table. 

“Yeah… Fuck, I forgot my coat.” It was colder than we had left from his house. Suddenly he got up. 

“You can use mine.” He said pointing the gray coat positioned on the backrest of the chair he had just been sitting on. “I'll be right back, I'm going to the toilets.” I nodded and said no more starting to put it on, because even my hands were incredibly cold, something normal to me.

“Come back soon Mad Dick!” Si shouted as Richard raised his middle finger towards his direction smirking. I had to admit it was pretty funny. 

I needed to warm up my hands a little bit so I inserted both of my hands in the pockets of his coat. In the right one I touched something, it was a paper, so I took it out and opened it. They were lyrics, titled “So Sister”. 

I wrote your name in dust on a truck  
As it rolled out of town  
Just in case my love for you  
Might be found

I cried my tears in a mountain stream  
They'll sting you one day  
I called your name in a giant cave  
It echoes to this day

So sister, you're hearing how I miss her  
But I don't think that she's hearing my calls  
So sister, I need to be with her   
But I don't think that she's hearing my calls  
No, I don't think that I'm helping my cause

I wrote our names on a subway wall  
Just in case you called  
I rent a room and it's just for two  
But where are you?

I was almost sure he had written it when Laura visited him. I felt a strange weight in my heart. I felt guilty he had the necessity to write a desperate song like this. I saw him from the toilets, so I put the piece of paper back in the place where it was found. I just acted normal, he grabbed my hand and we said goodbye to the guys. After that we took a taxi because we didn't want to come across any paparazzis. Once at his apartment I took the paper out. 

“I've found this…” At first he didn't know what I was talking about, but then he got closer to me and recognised it. 

“Well, I didn't mean for you to find it.”

“I… I'm sorry… For everything.” That's when he started shaking his head. 

“There's nothing to be sorry about.” He wrapped his arms around me making deep eye contact. “I won't lie and say I was completely fine when I wrote it, there are a few things going on and above all you weren't here. But now you are… And that's all that matters.”

“I'll just stay here for a few days. I can't help to feel guilty anyway.” I wanted to tell him that sometimes he showed this part of him like he was somehow damaged and all I wanted to do was to protect him and I felt that I failed. However, any more words came out of my mouth. 

“I'm the one who regrets having written that fucking song; and “Space And Time”, I know that one affected you too. But… It's difficult, we both know it. And it will be harder when I start touring too…” 

Neither of us said anything else. He slowly began unbuttoning the coat and threw it to the sofa with a quick movement. He grabbed my hand again and I followed him to his room. Then, he took off my sweater softly and with the same tenderness he removed my shirt. Seconds later, he undid my bra; he began tracing kisses and caressing, in a not sexual way, every place of my skin in which the bra had left a mark, from my right shoulder, the middle of my back, to my left shoulder. He was just taking care of me. After that, he took one of his big T-shirt and helped me to pass it through my head, it was impregnated with his smell, I had almost forgotten how much I liked this masculine scent of him. 

I took one of his sweatpants, brushed my teeth and went to bed, I waited for a while for him to do the same, until he joined me. I placed my head on his chest and we fell asleep in matter of minutes. We were too tired physically and emotionally. We had a lot of things to figure out now.


	33. Chapter 33

The following day the headlines were “Without him (Richard Ashcroft) most of our songs wouldn't exist”.

“Fuck! This is so outta context!”

“I knew this was gonna happen the second you said it.” Richard had been in the public eye much more time that I did and with his charismatic personality he managed to get away with it. 

“You should have told me to shut the fuck up!”

“You have to learn that they'll always write bullshit about you. And it's beneficial for you anyway, that gives more publicity. I can assure you that your next single will reach the top ten.”

\---------  
That weekend the three of us travelled to Paris, we would meet Brian in Stockholm to go on with the tour. We went to Juliette’s flat where Oli was sleeping in a couch every night in order to help her with the baby. The moment I held Silvain, was when I decided I wanted one for myself one day. 

“We're getting married.” Juliette announced while Oli grabbed her by her waist; both of them with a huge smile on their faces. 

“Oh my God! When?!” Andy exclaimed excited. 

“We don't know exactly but I want you to be present, of course that Harry will be there and Richard too if he wants. But we won't invite too many people.”

“I'm so happy!” I was really happy for them, but I was even happier that I had a nephew now, my first nephew. But, I then realised that I would never live in the same city as Oliver, we'd call each other regularly but it would never be the same and that thought made me kinda sad. 

“So, Peno’s Art Gallery had extended you the contract?”

“Yeah, and they've also raised my salary because this week I've sold two more pictures!”

“We have to celebrate.” Andy exclaimed being careful not to awake Silvain. 

“And, what happened with this other band?” Oli asked us later on while we were drinking champagne and Juliette feeding the baby. 

“They're cunts who wants to promote their fucking music by telling shit stories about us.” I replied. “Jane is the worst of them but I can't stand the twat of their guitarist either, that Tom, he's her boyfriend too, did you know that?.”

“Oh, I didn't. You're better and you know it. Anyway, when is Harry opening the branch of the company?”

“We believe that in a month everything is gonna be ready but I wanna be present, so we're postponing it ‘till the last days of June or first days of July.”

“I'm glad Harry has a proper job now.”

“Yeah, last year he wasn't happy, we hope everything goes ok from now on.”

“I don't doubt it.”

We spent the rest of the night just drinking and telling Juliette embarrassing stories about Oli. 

\-----------  
In June, while we were finishing the “Stolen Dreams Tour”, The Verve first released an EP called “Five By Five” with five songs that would be included in “Urban Hymns”.

Besides on June 16, “Bitter Sweet Symphony” came out, the first single they released since “History” back in ‘95. The song's music video featured Richard singing the song while walking down Hoxton Street, oblivious to what is going on around and refusing to change his stride or direction throughout, finally meeting the rest of the band at the end of the song. It was doing pretty well in the charts, then it would reach to #2. However, Richard had told me, he was kinda worried because they had received a warning by some lawyers that if released it they would sue the band alleging plagiarism, but they weren't too concerned due to the six note negotiation they had done months before. 

The cover photo for the album had already been taken in Richmond Park. When Richard showed me the photo, I noticed that in the background the word “love” could be read, it was formed by the trees and his white hat. Apparently, it was a beautiful coincidence. 

Now that our tour was almost over, we'd take the whole July off and then start recording our second album in August, so we could release it the first part of ‘98. “Urban Hymns Tour” was starting around the second week of August, so Richard and me were going to spend the whole month together. 

During the European leg of the tour, they've asked us several times in interviews who really wrote our songs, and we replied so many times that we were the composers that they got tired and eventually everyone forgot, maybe because they didn't believe us or maybe they just gave a fuck.


	34. Chapter 34

Once the tour was over and we returned to London, Richard and me arranged to meet that night because he had to rehearse with the band and I had to put everything in my flat in order. When I got into my apartment I noticed that something was different. On the largest wall of my living room were hanging two pictures in black and white, one showing the Eiffel Tower and the other the Arch of Triumph, they had obviously been taken by Oli, it was his unique style. I was sure Richard was the one who had bought them, they were the two pictures Oli had talked about when we were in Paris. 

Staring at them there, I had two thoughts; first, my friend was very talented and he was starting to gain more recognition, not only in France but in the UK too, so it was an incredible honor to have his works of art hanging on my wall. Second, Richard had no idea how important this gift meant to me, I felt that I could never give him something as valuable as this. 

That night, I went to the place in which they were rehearsing and waited a few minutes outside because I didn't want to interrupt, the guys would kill me. As soon as I saw him, I ran straight to his arms and kissed him 

\----------  
July started amazing with the opening of the branch of the company, Harry seemed happier now. Besides he didn't have to do the hard work he got paid back in Leeds, but he had hired two younger boys and he had just to supervise them. 

Then, the second week of July the three of us, Harry and Richard travelled to France for Oli and Juliette’s wedding. I wore a blue dress that matched with the earrings he had given me. 

They got married in a little but picturesque Chapel surrounded by several types of flowers with an exquisite smell, in a village near Paris. It was during the day. They decided to have such a small wedding because Oli was quite reserved and didn't want too many people around him, besides this was Juliette’s second wedding and she was a mother now, she didn't want to worry too much about it. She was stunning with her simple white dress and her hair to one side decorated with these delicate tiny white flowers called “Common baby's-breath” according to Oli. 

The ceremony was beautiful, I never cry in these overwhelming circumstances, but if I did I wouldn't have stopped crying my heart out. I was close to Oli, so when Juliette was walking through the aisle along with her father I could see in his eyes that he truly loved the woman and would do anything to protect her. 

His mother was the one holding Silvain all the time, he wasn't her first grandson, but she was really excited anyway. We must have been like fifty guests in total but the ones I was more eager to see were Oli’s sisters, we had always got along well, they were married now and had formed their own family but were the same as ever. I also liked Juliette’s maid of honor, Amelie, her best friend, we couldn't communicate much due to our languages but after two glasses of champagne we could understand each other perfectly. Oliver had chosen Harry as his best man, if three years before someone told me that was gonna happen I wouldn't have believed them but over the last years their friendship had strengthen. 

The reception was outdoors, right next to the Chapel in a huge tent. I loved the aesthetic, everything was white with little touches of yellow. But what I couldn't stop watching was Richard in his black suit. I wanted to grab that spotted black tie of his and pull him closer to me with urgency, but I would have to do it later. 

We spent an splendid day, we ate, we drank, we danced, we listened to Harry’s speech, which made all of us laugh out loud especially because of his contagious laugh. The best part was when he said that Juliette had to stand Oliver’s complains about everything and his bad mood. 

“I already do!” She exclaimed in response. I was pleased to see that she liked us as well as she had entered to Oliver’s family so easily; she was very sweet. 

“I don't know if you knew this…” Oliver started talking, after a while, grabbing everyone's attention. “But we've two really famous bands here to play some music.”

“There are missing members of the two bands, sorry.” I replied sitting at the table in which Cam, Andy, Harry, Richard and me were. A bit joking, a bit seriously. Suddenly, an acoustic guitar appeared from nowhere and everybody cheered.

Richard looked me in the eyes and understood I didn't wanna perform any song right there, at least not yet. Then they would remember how Space Sirens had been a horrible entertainment in the wedding. So, I was grateful when he took the guitar. 

“All right, this one is called ‘One Day’.” 

I was afraid that Juliette didn't take it well due to its lyrics, but when he sang with his eyes shut: “One day maybe you will love again // Love that never dies.”, I could see she was crying but anyway smiling. After singing the song, while they were applauding, he squeezed my hand encouraging me to sing too, passing the guitar to Cam. We did a new song, more romantic than the others, called “Two Of A Kind”. At the end of the day, the wedding was perfect, a marvellous summer afternoon we would never forget.


	35. Chapter 35

July was coming to an end, that meant that The Verve had to go on tour soon and us were about to record our second album, this time in Townhouse Studios, because we didn't want to come across Boyd on daily basis. It had been an amazing month with, we spent most of the time together without really thinking about the future. On the 7th Oasis had released “D'You Know What I Mean?”, and I had obsessed with that song, a phrase used by them most of the time, turned into a song; the best thing was the guitar solo, it was in my opinion one of the best ones I've ever listened to. 

“Pack some clothes.” I was on the couch watching an interview in which Liam was saying ‘I've got four GCSEs mate, I'm not silly’ and laughing because of the nonsense. “We need to go in an hour, if we want to be on time.”

I looked at him raising my right eyebrow with confusion before asking: “Where are we going to?”

“I don't wanna tell you yet. Anyway, before arriving there I'm sure you'll have figured it out.” He said smirking. 

“Ok… And how long are we leaving?” I started getting up of the couch. 

“A week, we'll come back just in time for me to start the tour in Sheffield the 9th. And in time for you to start recording the album, of course.”

“Oh. And what kind of clothing do I have to take?”

“I'd rather you not to take any clothes… But just some T-shirts and jeans. If you need something, we can buy it.” So with an smile I packed enough clothes for a week and other stuff I thought I would need. 

And as he said, less than an hour later we were on a taxi on the way to the airport, so I imagined we were travelling outta the UK. 

“Here you have.” Once we were at the airport he handed me an airplane ticket, in consequence I read it to know where we were flying to; it said Milan Bérgamo Airport, in that moment I remember that when we were in Madrid he had told me he wanted to take me to Italy. “Our plane arrives at Milan but that's not where we're staying.”

“Fine, I'm intrigued.” He grabbed my hand and three hours after we already were in Milan. Eventually, he told me he had hired a driver because going by two different trains was more difficult than just an hour car ride. The sunlight came right through the car windows, so Richard was wearing his shades gazing at the landscape; he looked really good with that beige shirt. After a while I noticed a lake surrounded by mountains, I had never seen such a beautiful scenery. 

“Is this…?”

“Yeah, Lake Como.” Then the car stopped and we got out of the car thanking the driver who was taking out of the trunk our luggage. “Welcome to Varenna, I've always wanted to come. Since Laura visited this place and told me that worthed more than Venice because as it isn't as popular is less crowded. So no one will bother us here.” 

It was absolutely gorgeous, the little houses with bright colours such as red, yellow or orange contrasted with the green mountains, every one of them facing the lake, which water was an splendid shade of light blue. But the I had certainly never expected to see a place like this apart from photos, it was breathtaking. We walked through a small red bridge that lead to a path full of flowers that lead to where most of the buildings were. The weather was also perfect, it was warm but not incredibly hot. 

At the end, we got to the “Royal Victoria”, the building dated back to the 19th century. The room was really nice, it had a huge bed, some armchairs and a coffee table, a bathroom bigger than mine; however the best thing about it was the balcony with view across the lake. 

“Let's go for a walk, I'm already in love with the village.” I suggested and he gave me a charming smile. It was getting dark, so we just went to Piazza San Giorgio, the main square where the Chiesa di San Giorgio was located, walking up from the lakefront into the piazza, the church loomed above the square with its later-built bell tower to the right.

“Thank you for having brought me here.”

“I just wanted to take you to somewhere quieter to express my love for you.” He said taking a drag of his cigarette before I catched it and threw it to the bin closer to us, previously having made sure it wasn't gonna to start a fire. He grinned and I gave him a peck on the cheek. 

Then we wandered a while more and went back in the hotel and ate in its restaurant. He ordered fish because Varenna was once a fishing community so the local specialty was naturally, pescetarian dishes, I couldn't stand fish so I just ate pizza. After that we returned to the room. 

I opened the door of the balcony and stood there for a few minutes contemplating the most romantic place I had ever been to, until I felt Richard’s arms surrounding me from behind and kissing my neck, I turned my head a little bit in order to meet his lips.I could still hear the sound of the water splashing against the rocks slowly. Then he introduced his right hand in my black T-shirt and placed it on my ribs. I pushed him inside the room and calmly started unbuttoning his shirt, I put both of my hands above his navel and caressed his stomach and chest until I arrived to his shoulders, where I was able to take his shirt off, contemplating him for a few seconds before his lips collided with mine sliding his tongue into my mouth. 

After that, he grabbed my T-shirt and pulled it above my head, braking our kiss, however returning to my lips again quickly. His hands now were behind my back, and I thought that he was gonna remove my bra but he just moved the tips of his fingers all over my skin, he was going to make me wait. 

He made me lean on the bed as he unzipped my jeans and peeled them off really gently. I had the necessity to do the same, so I extended my arms into the direction of the zip of his jeans, in where I could already perceive his hard shaft. 

Hurriedly, I undressed him as he found a way back to my breasts slipping his hand between the sheets and my body, finally undoing my bra. He then circled my nipple with his warm mouth, making me moan. With the hand he had removed my bra, he grabbed firmly the left side of my knickers, the last piece of clothing in the middle of us. He lifted my leg to make it easier for him to remove the knickers and placed it on his shoulder. 

I was so ready to receive him, I knew I was completely wet. When he thrusted inside me, my whole body arched under him. He was rubbing my nipples with both of his thumbs. I could feel myself building up at the same time he was telling me the same with his eyes. Both of us were covered in a thin layer of sweat, due to this summer weather and the physical activities we were doing. Eventually, he filled me with his release. 

“Richard…” I groaned helpless as I came moments later, experiencing this giant explosion of pleasure deep inside of me that extended to every inch of my body. He put down my leg to reach easily to my mouth and kissed me passionately. Subsequently, he lifted me and carried me to the bath.


	36. Chapter 36

The following day, I woke up before Ashcroft, I had slept better than most of the days but my body wasn't used to get up late, it might have been six am. The temperature had lowered overnight, so I grabbed his shirt from floor and put it on, it reached to my knees. Now that I was dressed I went to the balcony and sat on one of the metal chairs. A few minutes later I saw him coming through the white curtains. 

“Oh, I've found my shirt.” He had a mischievous smile on his face. I just gazed at his bare chest. He was wearing only his jeans. “Could you give it back to me?” 

I got up and started unbuttoning it in front of him. I had made sure there was no one passing by or just near us. He stared at me with amazement without saying a word. When I was done I moved it a few inches just to cover my nipples and pushed it down a little bit from my left shoulder to see how he would react if I took it off right there; although I wasn't gonna do it. 

He walked a couple of steps straight in my direction covering my chest with his and wrapping me with his arms. He did what I was expecting him to do. 

“At seven breakfast is gonna start being served.” He consulted his watch grinning. “In fifteen minutes people will start approaching to the dining room underneath the balcony and I don't want them to see you…” I made him shut up with a kiss and pushed him inside right to the bed. 

\------------------  
We spent the rest of the days walking around the village, eating and making love. As I heard other tourists talk, I discovered they were British as well. Then we hiked to Vezio Castle, we climbed the steep trail to the castle ruins up in hamlet. It was quite a rocky climb up but we were rewarded with an amazing panorama of the entire Lake Como region below. We even sailed on the Lake our last day there. 

Anyway, we had to return to reality now. They started the tour in Sheffield, but this part of it was short and they would return in less than a week to perform in Hammersmith Palais just before playing in Dublin. However, in November they were traveling to America for a month. 

On the other hand, we started recording our second album, we didn't have the title yet, but I knew we had improved so much. Nevertheless, the media was selling this rivalry between us and Heavy Rain. One night we encountered them at the bar, we only looked at each other with contempt and carried on with our lives; the magazines the following day claimed that Tom had called Andy a bitch and she had thrown near him a bottle of vodka. Just like Richard had said, this gave us publicity, it was beneficial for both of the bands so I fueled it confirming some of these stories to the paparazzis. On the contrary, Cam was the one who hated Heavy Rain the most and couldn't stand this bullshit. 

“I can't believe they are even being compared them to us. All of their songs sounds exactly the same.” We were at the studio, just to start recording the first song while listening to ‘Standing Here’ by The Stone Roses, my favourite song of theirs. 

She was holding a magazine which title was: ‘What's the couple of the moment: Morrison-Ashcroft or Holden-Griffith?’ showing a picture of Richard and me holding hands, (I had no recollection of someone taking that one) and another one of Jane and Tom kissing on stage. 

“Above all, these fucking reporters write shit articles like this than reviewing our music. No offence Darz, but I don't give a fuck about the couple of the moment.” I hadn't seen Cam this mad for a long time. 

“As long as our fans come to our concerts, I don't care about this bollocks.” I said chilled out. 

“But this isn't good for the band. One of the two bands will be more successful and the other will be forgotten in the end.” Brian intervened. 

“He's kinda right. Last year everything was Oasis and Blur had to disappear.” Andy finally spoke. 

“Anyway, Blur has released a fantastic album this year, better than their previous ones, that was in top of the charts.” I was convinced that Blur had improved a lot. 

“But in 10 years time… No, 20 years time which band do you think will be more remembered? After Knebworth there's no doubt that Oasis.” There was some truth behind Andy’s words. “We don't have to let something like that happen…”

“It's not in our hands.” I stated. 

“I think we can do something about it. Fuck! I'll do something about it. Fuckin’ Tom and Jane.” Cam said outraged. 

\-------------  
Several things happened between that August and September. First, Andy and Harry celebrated their anniversary, they had been together for four years now, I asked Andy if they had plans to get married and she said they wanted to wait at least two years more. I didn't see the point in waiting so long, it would be practically the same, maybe with a little bit of more commitment. 

Then Oasis released “Be Here Now”, becoming the fastest-selling album in British chart history, I bought it too, one of those 424,000 copies sold on the day of its released was mine, so far my favorite song was “All Around The World”. However, ten days after the album came out, Princess Diana was killed in a car accident, the whole country was shocked, me included, she was a true inspiration, everyone was sad so it affected their sales somehow and that's when the album started receiving bad reviews because its overproduction, and not for any reason later it would be called the “cocaine album”. These weren't very good news for the Gallagher brothers. 

On September 1, The Verve released “The Drugs Don't Work”, this very sad song had unintentionally captured the spirit of the nation as it was released the day after Princess Diana died. It reached #1 in the charts, finally they were received the recognition they deserved. 

Richard’s birthday was on September 11, this time we spent it together hanging out with the guys of The Verve, the girls, the Gallaghers and some friends more. He turned 26 that day, 26 years of a medley of sadness and happy times thanks to his band. 

On September 25, 26 and 27 The Verve and Oasis at Earls Court Exhibition Centre, some the songs that The Verve played were not familiar with the crowd because “Urban Hymns” had not been released yet but the crowd loved them due to their stage presence, they were wonderful. I was there too. 

Richard as usual took his shoes off, I really didn't like it when he did that, I didn't mind he walked barefoot around the house but on stage he could step on glass or whatever, I didn't see the necessity on doing that. Once I was talking to Michael Spencer Jones, the photographer who took the photos of several covers such as “Stolen Dreams”, “ Definitely Maybe” or “Urban Hymns”; he said “When Richard was living in Wigan, Brian Cannon must have lived about three miles from him, Brian’s flat was an open house, everyone used to just turn up there, and one summer evening Richard walked from his flat to Brian’s in his bare feet. Because he just liked walking around in bare feet. There are not many people who’d go on a three mile walk in the city like that. I remember Brian mentioning it to me like ‘He’s no ordinary guy!’” Indeed he wasn't an ordinary guy, that's why I loved him, although he did stupid things like this sometimes; I told him that but he just ignored me, as well as when I told him about smoking. 

“Over the last three days…” Noel said the day of the final gig. “... It's been a pleasure to play with The Verve. In 20 years time people is gonna be saying they've seen the best two bands in England in the same stage.” Then he started singing “Magic Pie” after dedicating it to Richard: “An extraordinary guy can never have and ordinary day.”


	37. Chapter 37

One day, during the last days of September Richard and me spending time at his house when the phone rang. 

“Hello.” He was the one who answered “Yeah… No… Oh, no. Fuck! I knew something like this would happen! But on what grounds?” He seemed very altered. “Do you want me to go…? Well, no… Thanks for the call.” He hanged up and just stared to the phone. I got up from the couch and stood in front of him waiting for him to say something. 

“They sued us. Because of ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’, fucking Allen Klein. He says that we used more than six notes.” 

The lyrics had been written by Ashcroft but its distinctive passage for strings was sampled from the 1965 Andrew Oldham Orchestra symphonic recording of "The Last Time", arranged and written by David Whitaker, inspired by the 1965 Rolling Stones' song of the same title. They had negotiated a licence to use a six-note sample from the Oldham recording, but former Stones manager Allen Klein (who owned the copyrights to the Rolling Stones pre-1970 songs) claimed that The Verve broke the agreement and used a larger portion. 

“Fuck! At first I didn't even want to record this song but Youth convinced me to have a go at cutting a version.” Youth was their producer, and a very persuasive one when he wanted it. “I don't wanna be involved in lawyers shit!” I just looked at him. 

“Do you have any idea about what's gonna happen now?”

“I don't have a fucking clue!”

\---------  
That month The Verve didn't have any gigs to play; “Urban Hymns” was released on September 29, it also reached #1 in the UK Albums Charts. “I was the happiest man in the world when that band went to number 1 with their album.” Was what Noel had said about it. “It means more to us than it probably means to them.” Liam had commented, expressing my exact feelings. 

In spite of these happy news, Richard was very uptight. He tried to hide it and barely talked to me about it. He didn't talk to me about anything important really, just shallow conversations and I was starting to get worried. Also, this was the only thing he had in mind because the tour was going to continue in November when they traveled to America, so he didn't have any distractions and I spent most of the day at the studio. 

One time, after having spent the whole day recording at the studio I went to his flat earlier than usual. He had given me a key so I got in, just to find out he wasn't there. I was kinda disappointed by this, but he eventually would come back, there wasn't nothing else to do but wait. I thought in that moment that he must had gone out with Si or Pete somewhere. I came into the kitchen, opened the fridge grabbed some eggs in order to prepare a couple of omelettes. About five minutes later I heard a knock on the door, it clearly wasn't Richard. 

“Fuck.” I muttered really softly. I considered not to open the door because this wasn't my house but perhaps it was the manager of the building or something like that, I knew he had had an outage the night before. I could already hear Richard telling me that I should have opened the door. 

“Hi!” I exclaimed as soon as I unlocked the door, it was Nick. “Richard isn't here, I thought he was with one of you. Well, he'll come back… Anyway, do you want to come in?”

“I'd like to, but I'm afraid Pepper will break something, it's difficult for me to take him for a walk yet.” Right next to him there was this huge black dog, that he was carrying with a red leash. I loved dogs so I scratched his head that was bigger than my hand, as he waved his tail and sticking out his tongue. 

“Is this the same dog that appears in ‘Urban Hymns’ inside flap?”

“Yeah, I decided to take little Pepper to Richmond Park the day of the photoshoot. In any case, I passed by to bring Richard this.” Nick handed me an envelope with his free hand, as “little Pepper” was biting his left sleeve. “Boyd gave me that for him as I went to Hut today… I'm sure you'll give it to him.”

“Yeah, for sure… Thanks, Nick.”

“Ok, see you soon. By the way, I'd love to listen to some of your new songs, Cam's guitar always sounds amazing.”

“Of course, you can come over one of these days with Richard. Bye.”

I started opening the envelope knowing this was sorta wrong. It was a subpoena with the date and time he had to go to court in order to testify, due to the fucking lawsuit with ABKCO Records, Klein's holding company. I knew that something like this wouldn't bring such consequences as jail, but I was concerned anyway. They had already hired a good lawyer, so we could only hope this turned for the better. Like fifteen minutes later Richard arrived, he was wearing a black shirt, complementing his mood. 

“Hi, babe.” He said kissing me on the cheek. “If I had known you would be here earlier, I wouldn't have gone.”

“Oh, I prepared dinner while you were gone. Where have you been?”

“Just wandered around the city, for a walk… Take my mind off things.”

“Nick passed by.” I told him while we were eating. “He brought this for you.” I lifted the envelope for him to see. “Sorry, I have already opened it.” He took it and began reading it. When he finished he glanced at my eyes and then to the paper again. 

“There are great chances we settle this outta court.”

“These are good news. I'm sorry I can't support you… I mean, if you have been feeling lonely… I  
I should have been…” Fuck, this kind of conversations were really difficult for me. 

“No…” He interrupted me. “I know that I exclude myself when things aren't going so well. I'm the one who's sorry I've pushed you away. I won't lie and say I don't have been feeling lonely.” He knew how to make me feel guilty sometimes, even though I wanted to believe it wasn't on purpose. He continued. “The fucker of Klein doesn't give a fuck about the songwriting credits, he only wants more money than he already has, he saw an opportunity and took it. You start a band just to have fun with your mates and end up into all this crap.”

I knew what he meant because those were my exact feelings when the whole Anderson thing happened.


	38. Chapter 38

The following week I joined Richard to Hut. While he was discussing with Boyd I came up to Si and asked him his thoughts about this whole situation. 

“We were told it’s going to be a 50/50 split. I think it's pretty good, I just want this to be over.”

“Yeah, considering everything 50/50 is very good. It's still a lot of money for us. That's why, we decided with our lawyer to settle outta court.” Nick intervened because he had listened to us. But all of us were thinking that 100% would have been ideal. 

\---------  
A couple of weeks before they left to America, Richard and Nick came by Townhouse Studios. We were recording our first song that wasn't sung by me but Brian, so I played rhythm guitar and did the backing vocals. It was called “If I'm to Fall”. 

After the first take, I saw them and by their faces I could tell they didn't bring any good news. 

“They want the 100% of the royalties of ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ or we have take it out of the shops.” Nick informed us. 

“Fuck. You can still take it back to court, don't you?” Brian asked.

“It's over. We don't have any other option. It's cheaper than fighting legally with the possibility of losing the trail. Now the songwriting credits have been changed to Jagger/Richards/Ashcroft.” Richard said staring to the floor. 

I couldn't believe it, now he wouldn't receive any money for one of their biggest hits, the one he had written the lyrics for. It was true that it was clearly audible the orchestral version of “The Last Time”, The Verve never tried to hide the sample because they had agreed to those six notes. Allen Klein claimed that they had used “more than stipulated”. People desperate for money was taking advantage of a band that hadn't been that long in the industry, as simple as that. 

“Can I…?” Nick asked pointing at my guitar a few seconds later. 

“Sure.” He was the best guitarist in that room, so I didn't see the point in not lending him my guitar. “Come and fucking jam with us.”

That's how Richard and Nick ended up collaborating with the production of the album. Nick playing the guitar, although Cam played lead, and Richard the keyboards. 

However, bad news continued arriving as they were sued by the first manager of The Rolling Stones, Andrew Loog Oldham as well, the one who had arranged the symphonic recording of “The Last Time”, so he owned the rights of the sample notes. So, finally the band lost everything. Not only, couldn't The Verve make money with their greatest hit, but they also lost control of the song.

\-------------  
I knew that during the whole November I would miss Richard but this was better for him because they were going to play their music for people who wanted to listen to them, at least they could still perform “Bitter Sweet Symphony” live. I hated to admit it but it would be good to spend a while apart, to focus on what we did best and then go on having fully accepted our problems. 

“So, how did you and Ashcroft first meet?” We were at Radio 1 giving an interview. The guy was asking interesting questions, so it was fine. 

“We were at Hut, our label. We were about to record ‘Stolen Dreams’ and he was getting The Verve together again.”

“Did you have other serious relationship before him?”

“Yeah, I did have. But things didn't work out, really. We wanted different things in life. Everything is fine, though. If you're listening: hi, Charlie.” Charlie and me had been together for two years but when he knew I was serious about the band we started having troubles, this life wasn't for him, but I still appreciated him. As far as I knew, he had a girlfriend now who was an office clerk, so I was happy for him. 

“Do you know exactly what happened concerning ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’?”

“I only know that's lawyers shit and that a great deal of money is involved.” Of course I knew much more than that, but I didn't want to make things worse than they already were. 

“Right. Now that you've mentioned ‘Stolen Dreams’, can any of you tell us the name of your second album?”

“It's called… ‘Stolen Dreams: The Sequel’.” Andy answered him as he looked at her with confusion. I began shaking my head while grinning. “Nah, I'm just joking, its title is gonna be ‘Best Laid Plans’.”

“That's great. Why have you decided to call it like that?”

“One of our new songs is called exactly the same so…” Brian now talked. 

“Can you please play a sample of the song? I'm sure our listeners are eager to discover your new material as well.”

“Ok…” And then we did an acoustic set including two new songs, but the rest were from the previous album. 

“Absolutely amazing! So much better than Heavy Rain, I must say. And you're just recording the album.”

“Fuck Heavy Rain! Fuck you Jane!” Cam exclaimed. “Those wankers, I can't believe they're still being compared to us. If you're listening Jane, I hope that something happens to you and your immature boyfriend that prevents you from telling lies about us!” And that's when chaos began.


	39. Chapter 39

“I don't know what the fuck happened to her. I mean, I knew she hated this rivalry but saying that…” I was talking with Richard on the phone. “Now the headlines are like ‘Space Sirens member wishes death to Jane Holden’.”

“Maybe she was high or a bit drunk. This makes me remember when Noel said he hoped Alex and Damon catched AIDS, of course he was high when he said it. Cam will have to make a public apology soon.”

“Yeah, Evelyn is taking care of that. Anyway, how's everything going?”

“Good. To be honest, I'm spending a great time with the guys. I really like being on tour.” It was true, I heard his voice more unworried. “I even bought a video camera.”

“That's nice! I hope you film a lot so I can see what you did in America.” We didn't have to say it but we knew we missed each other. 

“Tongy is the one filming the most, actually. I'm also thinking about buying a mobile phone.” Si had got a mobile phone the previous year, but nobody did really have one so he didn't use it that much but loved when someone asked him about it. 

“Oh, no. Si convinced you!”

“Haha. We could say he did.”

\--------------  
That weekend Oli, Juliette and Silvain traveled to London to visit us. They arrived the day after the public apology Cam made; at first she was reluctant to do it because according to her there was nothing wrong in saying she didn't want to hear about them anymore. Finally, she agreed to do it with the condition that the whole band went with her, like to show the public all of us meant the same as she did, but we had to do it before things got worse. 

Oli couldn't stay at my flat now, there wasn't space for Juliette or the baby so they stayed with Harry and Andy. On Saturday night I invited all of them for dinner at my place. Oli and Juliette were the first ones to arrive, so I started playing with Silvain, he was a chipper baby but sometimes got angry and all grumpy, he was already spending too much time with Oli. They had been walking around the city all day long. 

Then someone knocked on the door, it was Cam. I was still a little bit mad at her because of the apology situation, I had nothing to do with it and yet had to apologise. But I hid my discontent and acted normal. After that the telephone rang. 

“Hello.”

“Hi, Darz.” It was Andy. “We're about to leave the house, do you want us to take something? Ask Oli or Juliette if they need something from the house.”

“Ok. Andy asks of you want her to bring you something from the house.”

“Uh?” Oli asked.

“Nah, it's fine. Thanks.” Juliette said. 

“What did she want to know?” Was the last thing I heard before replying to Andy. Oliver rarely paid attention to us, I hoped that it was different with Juliette. 

“They say they don't need anything. You could bring some wine, we're running outta it here.”

“Well, we'll be there in fifteen minutes apox.”

“Ok, bye.”

Five minutes later the pizzas arrived. We had spent the next twenty minutes chatting while eating some peanuts when I realised Andy and Harry hadn't arrived yet and the pizzas were getting cold. When they finally knocked my door, I saw that Andy’s hair was quite messy and Harry’s face his face took colors more reddish than usual, the colour of his shirt. They had just fucked, I hoped it hadn't been inside the building’s lift, I got in there everyday. 

Andy’s POV  
“We have to buy some wine.” I told Harry as I was getting into the car. 

“Ok. We can go to the supermarket around the corner of Darcie’s flat.” He sounded so sexy when he spoke, even simple things like this. He caught me staring as he usually did but I didn't care because after that he always gave one of his beautiful smiles with those dimples that I loved so much. 

“Wait me here.” He said as if I'd go somewhere when we got to the supermarket. “I'll be right back.”

When he came back with the two bottles of wine I could see that one of the buttons of his shirt had come undone, exposing the necklace he was wearing, an ‘A’ over his chest; that was it, I grabbed the collar of his bordeaux, patterned shirt pulling him closer to me until our lips met. 

I placed my hands behind his neck and pushed him to the co-drivers seat in order to have more space, then I positioned myself on top of him as I continued kissing him. Suddenly he broke the kiss. 

“Wait… I…”

“Don't worry, it's dark and kinda cold outside, the supermarket is behind us and there's basically no one in the streets.”

“But Darz and the guys are waiting….” He shut up and gave in when he felt my hand on his crotch. 

I quickly unzipped his jeans and slipped my hands into his boxers, I perceived he was getting harder under my touch. I started tracing kisses from his lips, to his cheek, his neck until I reached his chest, with my tongue I lifted the necklace a little bit and put it inside my mouth, he had an ‘A’ for Andy and I had obviously an ‘H’ for Harry since our last anniversary that he surprised me with them. He let out a little moan. 

It was really difficult to take my trousers off but we finally made it. He spread my legs and I pulled his jeans down a bit. The next thing I knew was that we was already inside me. My mouth was wide open with the necklace still inside it while I was gasping. 

One of his hands was on my head tangled with my hair and making sure that I wouldn't hit the glass of the car. His other hand was trying to slide in under my bra. Then, the windows began to steam up more with every thrust, a reflection of the state of my mind in that moment. My hand was on the window now, leaving a its shaped stamped there. I was close… so close, I couldn't help it but groaning. With the hand he was massaging my breast he began rubbing my clit making circles with his thumb. 

“Harry!” I shouted when I climaxed around him. 

“Oh, fuck. Andy!” He moaned loud as he came inside me seconds later. I enjoyed this more when I came before him. 

“Well, they're waiting for us…” I said when we finally caught our breathes again. 

“They certainly are.” Harry said grinning and afterwards gave me a tender kiss on the cheek. 

After that we went to Darz apartment. I was sure she had realised everything but she didn't say anything. We ate, I sang a few songs to Silvain, talked to Cam about nothing in particular and finally it was time for us to leave. 

We were taking to the house Oli, Juliette and the baby too as they were staying with us. Inside the car, my hand against the window was still quite visible even though they weren't steamed up anymore. 

“Did you… Did you do what I think you did here recently?” Fuck, I shouldn't have underestimated Oli. 

“Oliver! You don't ask that.” I heard Juliette scolding him from the back of the car. Harry had blushed, so he had already turned us in. 

“Oh, no. We've got a baby now! For God's sake!”

“Well, think that at least you won't hear us having sex in the house… Or maybe you will…” He was looking at me with his typical expression of disgust. “Just joking, Oli.”

“I'm not sure if I'll ever stay with you anymore.” He said all dramatic as he was.


	40. Chapter 40

On Monday, Oli and Juliette were leaving at night. Oliver came over to the studio as he had never seen us recording before. He there met Owen Morris (we had decided that he was the best option to be the producer of the album again), Alex and Derek. He went alone because it wasn't a place suitable for a baby, there was too much weed and several other drugs the crew used to do. 

I started singing “She Bangs The Drums” to Andy when she sat behind her brand new drums, I had always find amazing how accurate the song was to her, the lyrics might have expressed what Harry felt about her. 

That day we recorded “Bypass”. Oli seemed a bit mad at Andy and I could guess why, however I had always believed in the power of music and this was a good example of that because as soon as I began to sing accompanied with Brian's melodic bass, Andy’s percussive drums and Cam’s almighty guitar, I saw he was smiling behind the glass next to Owen. 

Before they left, Andy gave Silvain a little T-shirt with the logo of the band, but I gave him wooden puzzles with animal figures. Juliette and Oli were grateful and promised to come back soon, he wanted to see Ashcroft too so I told them to visit us when their tour was over. Oliver never failed to bring fun to our lives even though he was a dad now. 

The following week we did the photoshoot for the album cover. This time we were four so it was more difficult to coordinate, but Michael Spencer Jones was patient with us. Brian Cannon had decided that the cover would be us on a plane, in separated seats playing our instruments surrounded by random people. 

Then we recorded the video clip for “Clockwork Times”, our first single. It was me singing in the passenger seat of a cab finally reuniting at a gig with the rest of the band. I felt quite stupid lip-singing in front of a camera by myself inside of a car, but they were way better the parts all of us appeared. 

It was the time again that we did a lot of interviews, photoshoots, acoustic sets in radios and TV shows to promote the new album that we knew was gonna to come out in March. 

Heavy Rain hadn't made any public announcement or said anything about us yet. I didn't know how to take it. In previous interviews they always used to make some kind of comment about us. 

Everyday people recognised us more and more. I couldn't go out without being stopped at least once to sign autographs or take photos. I didn't complain of the fans, we wouldn't have been nothing without them, I loved listening to what they had to say. The ones that I hated were photographers and paparazzis, taking photos behind trees or in car thinking I wouldn't notice, I didn't know how to react, should I look straight to the camera and raising my middle finger or pretend I didn't see it? But, what I hated the most was being asked questions I had answered before, blocking my way and making me lose time while I was walking; however I knew I would have to get used to being asked the same questions more than once by many interviews. 

I had always find strange that when I was talking to someone that wasn't close to me it would be difficult for me to go on with the conversation, but during interviews I was able to forget most of my inhibitions for a while and proceed to a normal conversation; I believe it was because it was an unidireccional chat, I just had to reply without caring about the other person's thoughts and without having the obligation of pretend to be interested about their lives. 

Evelyn was getting worried about all this attention, so she hired three bodyguards; most of the time we went out alone but for other occasions one of these well-built men would accompany us, usually Chris would be the one who joined me, he didn't speak much so we got along well. 

While we were doing all of these things, The Verve continued on tour. I was really happy to listen to their songs most of the places I went, the supermarket, shops, parties, pubs. Despite of the “Bitter Sweet Symphony” situation, “Urban Hymns” was selling a lot of copies worldwide. 

On 24, November, “Lucky Man” was released as the third single of the album, charting at #7 on the UK Singles Chart. The UK version of the video was directed showed the band in the Thames Reach development, adjacent to the Thames Wharf complex, this was situated near Hammersmith; Ashcroft sang the song whilst playing an acoustic guitar while the rest of the band look through the window to the river and walked around. The US version was shot in New York City, featuring the band in an apartment and then travelling to a mountain top. 

One of the single’s B-sides was “Never Wanna See You Cry”, given that he had written it for me and about me under no so very pleasant circumstances, made me feel quite uncomfortable, the same thing had happened with “So Sister”, one of “Bitter Sweet Symphony”’s B-sides. In fact he had written both songs for me and now everybody was singing out loud these personal lyrics, but I wasn't nobody to prevent him from spreading his words to the world; maybe now someone was listening to it and thanking him for expressing their exact emotions and feeling understood by someone, that was what music was about really and I was truly glad.


	41. Chapter 41

It was the first week of December, I was arranging some things in the kitchen of my apartment. It was pretty chilly and rainy outside. My favorite season was winter, I hated too hot weather, so I was pleased with nature. 

Suddenly, I heard the door starting to be unlocked. It only could be Richard, he was the only one who had my keys, I had given them for him to pass by sometimes when I was gone and check that everything was ok, that's why he had given me his keys as well. However, we both knew that it was a symbol of our trust. I knew he was arriving that day but he said he preferred going to my house instead of me waiting him at the airport. 

I practically ran towards the door while he got into the living room. He was quite wet and some raindrops running down from his hair to the floor. As soon as came through the door, I rounded his neck with my hands and kissed him passionately. He looked incredible wearing that denim shirt and a greenish-brown T-shirt. 

“I missed this so much…” He exclaimed gazing straight to my eyes. 

“Thanks God you're already here.” I hadn't spent a bad time without him, on the contrary, but it was certainly better when he was around. 

I kissed him again with more desperation, I had waited for a month to do it. I grabbed his shirt by the buttons and took it off letting it fall down and it was quickly followed by his T-shirt. I placed both of my hands on his back pushing him closer to me, they were frozen in contrast to his warm skin so I could hear he made a little whimper, it had been so long since the last time I had touched him like this so I didn't care, he would have to bare it. 

He also took my gray hoodie being careful with my glasses, he knew I didn't find nothing more annoying than having my glasses stained, I took them and placed them on the coffee table. He then tucked his left hand in my hair as he unzipped my jeans and started sliding his right hand under my knickers. With his left hand he undid my bra throwing it to the lamp as my nipples hardened. He began delineating my collar bone with unpreoccupied pecks. 

He didn't take long to find my entrance with his middle finger at the same time as he massaged my clit with his thumb. I couldn't think clearly so the next thing I knew was that we were on the floor, he had already had taken off all of my clothes. Even though my mind was blurry, I couldn't see him with clothes on anymore. My fingers touched his waistband of his trousers and pulled them down. He wasn't wearing shoes, that was the first thing he had taken off. 

The feeling of his fingers curling in my folds was driving me crazy, but it wasn't enough. I removed his boxers and tangled my legs with his. Afterwards, he pulled his fingers out, caressing me one last time there. I was really wet when he buried himself inside me. As I groaned, I tilted my head back in response of the satisfactory intrusion. My back was lying on the cold floor, but as long as his body covered me it didn't matter. The feeling of the soft skin of his chest against my nipples was exquisite. I had never imagined having sex on the floor, but we were hopeless for one another's bodies and this kind of deep connection only the two of us shared. 

He ran his tongue from my neck to my right earlobe. My fingertips were pressing his back with a considerable strength. Then, he bite my earrings in a mild way, I thought that that sound was extremely provocative. He situated his lips a few inches away from my ear. For a few seconds I could only heard his rapid breathing and the rain drops colliding against the windows. 

“I need to hold you tight every night. From now on I will.” He whispered making me have goosebumps that extended to my entire body but I couldn't continue thinking about it because he hit my G-spot with a sharp thrust. I moaned loudly as I climax around him. Moments later he found his release pouring himself into me, collapsing on my chest holding me tight as he had promised. 

Later, he extended his arm to the couch and grabbed my colourful woollen blanket, enfolding me with it. I gazed to his blue eyes and was able to recognise love and devotion. I covered him with the blanket too kissing him one more time.


	42. Chapter 42

Since Richard had come back from America I noticed him less withdrawn, I was glad he had found a way to get over the everything that had happened with “Bitter Sweet Symphony”. 

“This is the best song Jagger and Richards have written in 20 years.” This was an amazing thing for him to say during an interview. 

“In the end, it's not in the Stones hands, it's in the hands of some guy in a suit in New York City who owns the material. None of these people need any more money, I'm sure they have excessive amounts of money. But the way I see it now is clear in my head. Bitter Sweet Symphony: ‘You're a slave to the money then you die.’ Then some geezer comes, takes all the publishing from it. It's sorta beautiful. And there's no time anymore for me to be bitter about it. D'you know what I mean? I've smashed a few doors over, I've done the karate kicks, I've screamed until the veins are coming out when I first heard about it. But there's no time now, I'm moving on.”

That was what he said during an interview for MTV. All of this brought one phrase by Noel Gallagher to my mind: “Day by day there's a man in a suit who's gonna make you pay for the thoughts that you think and the words they won't let you say.” But he talked with the interviewer several minutes before he did a short set with Nick, they played “The Drugs Don't Work”, “On Your Own” and “Lucky Man”. 

I had joined them, he looked so in peace with himself during “On Your Own”, he didn't open his eyes not even once, it was a breathtaking escene to look at. He sang it with such emotion, especially the part that went: “Tell me if it's true // That I need you // You are changing // I've seen this road before down on this floor // It is hurting me.” 

The only thing reprochable was I could see the earring the twat had in his left earlobe, he had got it a while ago, a horrible silver pearl. Luckily, his hair covered it most of the time, so it wasn't that visible. I told him that it was like trying to be a fake Damon Albarn. I would convince him somehow to take it off. 

\-------------  
On December 9, the girls and I went to Wembley Arena to see Blur live, during these past months they had really grown in me. We had bought tickets as everybody else but the crew recognised us and let us go VIP. 

They started the gig with my favorite one: “Beetlebum”, I got too excited when I heard Graham Coxon playing the first notes. Hearing the music stop for a couple of seconds and then Damon Albarn singing: “And when she lets me slip away // She turns me on, all my violence is gone // Nothing is wrong.” was one of the most amazing things my ears could have listened to. 

Then, they passed to their happier tunes, their distinctive sound, songs like “There's No Other Way”, “She's So High” or “For Tomorrow”; before playing “This Is A Low”, this melancholic masterpiece about England. 

After that, they encored performing “The Universal”, Cam's favorite due to its futuristic view, “Parklife” and finally “Song 2” or “the woo-hoo song”, their most rockier song; I had always find it interesting how it was two minutes and two seconds long, it was the second track in “Blur” and it had reached to #2 in the charts. 

I would have liked them to play “Look Inside America” as it was one of my favorites of the album, but they had already played several songs of “Blur”. 

“I wanna meet them.” I told the girls, and then approached to the guy that had recognised us before. “Is there any chance we can go backstage?”

“Yeah! Follow me.” The first one I saw was Alex James, he was smoking, apparently he got paid for that. 

“Hello, ladies.” He said with a cheeky smile. “I think I've listened some of your songs.”

“And what do you think?” Andy asked him.

“Not my cup of tea, really. But it's good. You used to play bass, didn't you?” He asked looking at me. He touched his black hair adjusting it to the other side of his head. 

“Yeah, but now we have another bassist and I just sing. Talking about bass, it's amazing how it sounds in ‘Girls And Boys’.”

“Thank y…”

“Don't say those things to him please, you just boost his ego.” A deeper voice commented. Damon appeared from behind of Alex's back, he was wearing a grey sweater with a red stripe. He was indeed one of the most attractive men I had ever seen, with his blond hair covering his forehead and touching his eyelids slightly. He was grinning but his blue eyes showed a little of sadness, maybe he was just tired. “Do you wanna stay for the party?”

“Well…” I looked at Cam and Andy who were nodding. “Yeah, ok.”

Once in the party we met Graham too, he was drinking some kind of booze, he looked a little drunk. Anyway, he seemed really cute with his big glasses; he was really sweet with us and asked us a lot of things about the band paying pretty much attention. 

I thought I'd see Justine Frischmann, Damon's girlfriend and Elastica’s leader, around but she didn't show up all night long, perhaps she was on tour. I had heard some really nasty things about their relationship. Before being in Elastica she had been a member of Suede, Brett Anderson used to be a couple but then she cheated on him with Damon and apparently now she was doing the same thing to Damon. But there were other stories about Damon being unfaithful to her as well. Apart from that, it was said that her introduced him to doing the heaviest kinda drugs, I didn't know if it was true or not, but would have explained why Blur were composing music about darker emotions. Besides, they hadn't been the same since the Battle of Britpop and that had affected their music too. 

Another member of Suede that had left the band was Bernard Butler, when Richard reunited The Verve he was their guitarist for a brief period of time. Nevertheless, they didn't sound very well with him and he didn't stay. 

Damon came up to me and Andy, Cam was nowhere to be seen, I hoped she might have been with Alex talking about guitars or bass guitars. 

“When is your next album coming out?”

“We reckon that in March.” Andy was the one who replied to Damon while he licked his lips slowly. When he did that I caught her staring at him; if she saw a man she had met like that, I couldn't imagine how she saw Harry in bed. In any case, Damon was too hot and I was probably looking at him in the same way. 

“That's good. Gra showed me ‘Outsiders’ a while ago and…” It was noticeable that Graham and Damon were best friends and that had been ones for a long time, it reminded me a little of Oliver and me. Shit, they made me miss him, I would call him the day after.

Dave never showed up, but I had met with the three I wanted and who would try to stay in touch with. They were great musicians and very interesting people, I thought that all of us had got along. 

That night we didn't come across Justine but I did see Jane, none of her bandmates were there, not even her boyfriend. I was afraid someone said something or overreacted. I started looking around to see Cam, I didn't want her to do anything that could bring problems later. However, by when I left the party I hadn't see Cam again.


	43. Chapter 43

A couple of days after having seen Blur live, Richard and me were at my flat. That day “Clockwork Times”, the first single of our second album was coming out. I had an hour to before going to the studio and at night we would do our last gig of the year. 

Richard was still in bed while I was getting dressed. He was shirtless, drinking a cup of coffee. He had grabbed my acoustic guitar and was playing some riffs before having left the cup on the bedside table. Then he started singing: “I spend the night // Yeah, looking for my inside in a hotel room // Waiting for you // We're gonna make it tonight.”

“Is that new?” I asked him as I zipped my jeans. 

“No, I wrote it a while ago. It's called ‘A Song For The Lovers’. It didn't make the cut for ‘Urban Hymns’.” He raised his gaze and met my eyes. 

“Is it about me?”

“No, it's about my other lover.” He said dead serious. When he saw me looking at him raising my right eyebrow he started laughing. 

I was too tempted to stay for a little longer looking him like this, but I had a really busy day. I hated being late and people who was late. So, I kissed him and left before he could continue unconsciously seducing me. I hoped his lyrics turned out to be true and be able to “make it that night”. 

\-------------  
At the club, there were already some people singing the lyrics to “Clockwork Times”. Richard, Si and Nick were there too; Pete had recently married so he was going out less than usual, I had met his wife, she was really sweet. And apparently, Si was dating a girl named Myra, he was sorta secretive about it and none of us had met her yet. 

The gig was fucking mega and everybody was such in a good mood during the after party. We had invited tons of people, I didn't know half of them, of course all these people were doing different kinda drugs. I stayed with the people close to me drinking and just enjoying ourselves. 

After a while, I went to the toilets and as soon as I got in I heard someone moaning followed by a hit against the wood. Great, someone was fucking inside the furthest cubicle. I thought it could be Harry and Andy but I had recently saw them talking to Rick Witter, this guy of Shed Seven. I couldn't wait any longer so I just ignored them. 

“Someone is fucking in the toilets.” I told Richard when I came back shaking my head as he grinned with a funny expression. 

“Oh! Let's see from here who are they!” Si had heard me too. 

“What are we looking at?” Nick asked when he found us staring at the toilets moments later. 

“Darz heard some people having a shag in the toilets and now we are trying to find out who are they.”

“Really productive.” Nick commented and I laughed because he was right. Suddenly, Jane exited the toilets. 

“Who invited this bitch and the cunt of her boyfriend?!” I wondered, it had been one of our most important concerts, she had no rights to be there. As all of us were expecting Tom to go out like nothing happened, another woman emerged from behind the white door… it was Cam. 

“Oh, fucking hell.” I couldn't believe the truth. I gazed at Richard with disbelief, his eyes were wide open as well. 

“Oh, God. Is that Cam?” Si asked. 

“Well, I have to admit that was interesting.” Nick commented and that was the last thing I heard before running towards Andy who was having a conversation with Rick about “Chasing Rainbows” a song they would release the following year. 

“Sorry, I have to talk to her for a second.” 

“Sure.” Rick looked at me as he excused us. 

“Cam has just fucked Jane!”

“What the fuck?” He face showed concern. 

“Yeah! I heard them doing it in the toilets and saw them come from there!”

“Are you sure it was Cam? I saw Jane…”

“Yes! The guys saw them too.” I pointed at them who now were with Harry and Brian. 

“But, she hates her. Besides, Tom? Why would…?”

“I don't have a fucking clue.”

\------------- -_-

The following day when we were at the studio the atmosphere was quite tense to me, Cam didn't seem to notice it, or was pretending she didn't notice it; Brian was a bit confused but didn't comment anything. 

“Did you have a good time at the party yesterday night?” Andy asked the second Brian left for a coffee trying to be discrete. 

“Yeah, it was ok.” Cam replied raising her eyes from the guitar to Andy. 

“I saw you.” She looked at me, I couldn't see any type of emotion in her face. “I heard you in the toilet and then saw you coming out after Jane.”

“I don't have to justify my actions to neither of you.”

“Excuse me? A week ago you hated that bitch.” Andy started making this a more heated argument. “Last night you go and fuck her. Didn't give a shit about her boyfriend, don't get me wrong, I don't like that Tom cunt, but cheating is something I can't tolerate. Besides, plenty of us know about this, the question is who knows now. Above all, we're your best friend, I think we do deserve some kind of explanation.”

“I don't want to talk about it and I won't.”

“So you prefer that we find out through the press?” I asked starting to get angry. 

“Fuck! Well… If you wanna know that bad what happened… Last week she was at that party after Blur's concert. I just saw her and ignored her but she came up to me and said a few things… She kissed me and that's when it started really.”


	44. Chapter 44

The week before Christmas, Richard was showing me the recordings they had made in America, he had brought a tape Tongy had given him of the tour and we were watching it on the TV of his living room, we hadn't have time to watched them before. Tongy was the one who filmed the most, but Richard grabbed the camera from time to time. Suddenly, Richard and Nick appeared in the screen, playing acoustic guitar and an electric guitar respectively during a sound check. Sound checks were vital for them, it was the moment when everything connected before the gigs. 

“I said, don't you find // That it's lonely // The corridor // You walk down alone // And life is a game // You've tried.” 

They were playing “Velvet Morning”, one of my favorite songs of theirs. It was really meaningful for me since I found him singing it a few days after I met him. Such a beautiful song, the way he sang walk always got me, so I closed my eyes when I listened that part. Although, I loved his voice, in my opinion he was a better songwriter than a vocalist. It was amazing watching these two perform like that, it was like the band had never split up, I was glad they were friends again. They were really alike, maybe that's why they disagreed sometimes. 

It was the first time he watched this footage too. Then the whole band played in front of an excited crowd, “A New Decade”, “Slide Away”, “The Rolling People”, “Life's An Ocean”, “On Your Own”... He had put tremendous amount of work into those albums, specifically in the last one. He had paid especial attention to the percussion, how the claps and tambourines worked with each other, all the rhythms on his acoustic… and ended up sounding massive. 

“Has Cam changed her mind?” He asked me after we had finished watching the tapes. I had told him pretty much everything. He rounded me with his arm and I leaned my head on his right shoulder. 

In the end, Cam had told us that when Jane approached her after Blur's gig she said something like: “I heard the interview, my favorite part was ‘Fuck you, Jane.’, I was wondering if you would still wanna do it.”. Cam enraged, the sexual tension grew, she kissed her and they had sex. Apparently, since then they've been fucking, that's how Jane was at our after party. I didn't even care who Cam slept with, that was none of my business; but the worst thing was that there was someone else, Jane was cheating on Tom. It wasn't like Cam and Jane were in love either, they were just too attracted physically and didn't want to stop. 

“I believe she didn't. She made us swear we wouldn't tell anybody and promised that eventually she would do the things right. She's an adult, there we can't tell her what to do.”

“I know that Si and Nick won't say anything. They hate as much as we do this whole press thing.”

“I do trust them, but I don't like being involved in this.”

“But who knows exactly?”

“The two of us, Andy and Harry, Si and Nick. Maybe someone of Heavy Rain knows too. Shit.”

“Cam is a good person, she isn't doing this to hurt anybody. I do think she has feelings for her.” I looked at him with my eyebrow raised. 

“I thought you were the cynical one.”

“And I am. But she's your best friend and you should think better about her.” I nodded not so sure. “Changing topics, my mum and Laura are coming around January 10. I told them they needn’t do it since I'm spending ten days in Wigan now. Besides, they'll be here just for a couple of days since I'm leaving on the 9th.”

I had decided not to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve with him. I would have loved to do it again but I didn't want to spend them two consecutive years without Joseph and Diana. Apart from that, Richard hadn't seen his family for so long. 

“Well, I'll be finally able to meet Laura.”

“Ah-ha, Victoria hates almost everyone and she liked you, so Laura will like you too. The thing is if you'll like Laura, she's… Well, you'll see.”He grinned. 

“I'd like to spend these holidays with you.” I said changing topics again because I didn't want to think if I'd get on well with his sister in that momen. Then he kissed my jawline. 

“Next year we surely will.”

“What time are you leaving on Monday?”

“We’ve agreed that we will leave around 11am.” He was traveling with Nick to Wigan by car, so they had to drive like five hours. “You have to take your train on Sunday, innit?”

“Yeah. I have to be there by 4pm.”

“No, I can't take you. You will have to come to say goodbye here and then take a cab.” 

“Why?” I asked him quite confused. 

“Man United vs Newcastle. It starts at four but I'd like to watch everything since three.” He had a mischievous expression in his face. 

“If that's so, we won't have sex in all January long.” I said smiling as I got up throwing him a pillow and heading to the kitchen where I heard him laugh.


	45. Chapter 45

On Sunday, he did accompanied me to the station. However, he took a little radio with him. I knew how important football was to him. First it was music and second football. He looked concerned driving and then sitting on a bench inside the station grabbing the radio with one hand and holding a cigarette with the other, I wished I had taken my camera to capture this moment. When it was time to leave he kissed me. 

“See you next year.” 

“‘Till next year. Be careful driving when you travel.”

I arrived a few hours later to Leeds where Joseph was waiting for me with Lou and went straight to their house, I was kinda a member more in that house. I was sharing room with Cam, she had arrived two days before, so I went upstairs after having hugged Diana. 

“Hi.”

“Hello.” The atmosphere wasn't precisely friendly so I left my things on the bed next to hers and went downstairs with her family, we would have to pretend nothing had happened. 

“Man United won!” That was the first thing Richard said when he called me that night, he sounded so excited that I couldn't help it but laugh. “Cole scored with exactly 23 minutes left.”

\------------- -_-  
The following day Andy and Harry arrived at Leeds as well, Harry stayed with his family. I spent that day at Andy’s house with her parents, one of her sisters and her nephew. It was her birthday so Cam was there too. 

“When are Harry and you planning to get married?” Her mother asked her when we were cooking lunch. 

“It will happen when it happens. You'll get an invitation, don't worry.” And because of that comment she received a reproachful gaze. “Just joking, mum.”

“Very funny.” In that moment the doorbell rang, we all knew it was Harry. 

“It's like you invoked him.” I commented as Andy’s dad opened the door. Fortunately, her parents got along with Harry, and since he had opened the branch of the company, I was aware they had more peace of mind knowing that he wasn't taking advantage of their daughter, even though they never said anything. 

Harry was very polite with everyone, and since he managed that part of the company he was more centered, he was a businessman now, people depended on him. He had hired more people and everyday he had more and more work, he seemed more tired but happier. To be honest, the company didn't bring that much money, and Harry worked too much sometimes, especially when Andy was gone. He denied it, but I suspected he had slept some nights there. At least he could relax now for a few days. 

Anyway, everyone was in a better mood during the meal, especially because of the cake. I had given her a brand new record player because she preferred vinyls rather than CDs. She received more things but not as good as my present. 

I spent the following days at Cam’s house or at Andy’s that were relatively close. I didn't want to see anybody else. I had hated my classmates even ‘till the last day of classes, the girls, Oli and me never felt part of that group, “What the hell am I doing here? // I don't belong here.”, those lyrics could perfectly sum up how I felt all those years. That's why we had always sticked together. Then Harry came along adding more fun to these three outcasts. I tried to walk around with big shades and a hat so anyone could recognise me. However, some kid always approached me for an autograph, I couldn't say no and ended up chatting long minutes with fans, at least they weren't people I knew. 

“You lot we'll be bigger than Oasis.” Said a guy who must have been like two years younger than me. 

“I'm not so sure about that.” I replied as I was signing ‘Stolen Dreams’ for him.

Oasis was the most important band of the generation, it wasn't easy to beat. Besides, in general women that got really famous and succeeded the most were the ones who used their body to promote their music, I wasn't gonna do that by any means, neither would Cam nor Andy. I had talked about it in several interviews. If that meant the end of my career, I would take it furious with the industry but with integrity.


	46. Chapter 46

On December 24 I was having breakfast in the kitchen next to Lou when the phone rang. She answered it listening to the other person for a few seconds. 

“It's for you.” She said pointing the phone in my direction as I got up heading to the wall it was placed. 

“Hello.”

“Hi, dear.” It was Ashcroft. “I was thinking, maybe I could go to Leeds. It's only one hour away.”

“Oh, no. Louise would kill me. You never go to Wigan and you're most of the year on tour. Besides, you've already came to Leeds with me.” And it was true, one weekend of July before Oliver’s wedding I had taken him to visit Joseph and Diana, our school, my previous house, the bar I used to work at… Pretty much the same we had done in Wigan one year before. 

“So, you don't want your present?” I suspected he was smiling. 

“No, because I didn't bring yours and I wouldn't like to receive one if I can't give it back to you. What's more, I believe your mother liked me and I don't want to ruin that.”

“Well, I'll always remember this as the Christmas you rejected me.” I rolled my eyes even though he wasn't able to see it. I knew he was joking, however I couldn't stop myself of thinking that his words were true. “How's everyone?”

“We’re fine. We still don't know what Harry is gonna do.” Winter holidays were usually a delicate topic for him. His parents had divorced when he was eight and both of them wanted to spend Christmas with him as he was only child. That year he was tired of being in the middle of all that so up to then he was gonna spend it with Andy’s family. 

“I don't really know what I would do in his place.”

“I'll tell you then what happened. Your mum? Laura, Bax, Victoria? Are they fine. Tell them I said hi ”

“Totally fine.” We talked for a few minutes more before I had to hung up because everyone was in the kitchen now, they wouldn't want to listen to my conversation. After that I called Brian too because it was his birthday. 

\------------  
The following day I stayed with Cam, Joseph, Diana and Lou. Harry had finally decided he would spend it with his mother. Andy was sorta disappointed because she really wanted to be with him during Christmas but his mother didn't have anybody else unlike his father that had his brothers.

As soon as I woke up I called Richard wishing him merry Christmas and then I called Oliver doing the same thing. Later Brian called us, he had stayed in London. Luckily, nobody else knew I was there so I didn't receive any more calls. 

Cam and I would visit Andy later. We ate a lot of food, but my favorite had always been Diana's apple sauce. We opened our presents after that. Then she started playing her violin as her husband played the piano some Christmas carols. They were completely outstanding. After a while I saw that Lou was apart from everybody. 

“Can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure.” She looked quite confused. 

“Let's go to the kitchen.”

“What's up?” She asked once we were there. 

“I wanted to do this with Andy but it will be difficult considering the three of us are always together.”

“Yeah…”

“Cam is… She's been… Well, fucking with Jane Holden.”

“Wow.” Her eyes were wide open now. 

“Yeah, wow.”

“How did this happen?”

“It's like they still hate each other but yet found out that they can have incredible sex together, I don't know. The worst thing is that Jane's cheating on Tom.”

“Wow. I suspected she liked women, never said anything about any boy…” Her looking over my right shoulder with a listless gaze and with a thoughtful expression. “But why are you telling me this?”

“Because you're her sister and maybe she'll listen to you and make things right. We have already talked to her, however she didn't give a shit really.”

“Ok… I'll talk to her. I won't let my mum know.”

“Oh, yes. Di would kill her.”


	47. Chapter 47

The days after Christmas I did pretty much the same, ate, slept (something I lacked the rest of the year) and relaxed. We had arranged that during New Year's Eve we would be together, including Harry, Lou and Paul, a friend of hers. Andy’s siblings were married or had their couples so they preferred to spend it with them. 

It was a tradition we had started years ago, the last time we had done it had been in ‘95. Last year Oli and me weren't here so it might have been a little strange for the guys as it was for me not being with Oli now. 

So on December 31 we went to a restaurant. Quite a contrast considering the chaotic after parties we were used to. We had more money than ever now so the restaurant chosen was the best one in the city, two years ago we had gone to a cheap pub, a huge change really. A few people were staring at us, but we just ignored them. 

“I was too excited to meet you, as I already knew Camille.” Paul confessed referring to Andy and me, with a quite a shrill voice, it was noticeable he was kinda thrilled. Besides, it was weird hearing Cam's full name. “Brian is the only member of the band I don't know yet. Anyway, ‘Clockwork Times’ is outta this world.”

“Thanks, Paul.” Andy said as I smiled grateful. Lou and Cam had gone to the toilets. “Are you planning to travel to London anytime soon? We could give you VIP tickets for our next gig.”

“Would you, really?! I'll make sure I be there.” He exclaimed with a huge smile. 

“What have you said to him? He's almost peeing himself because of the excitement.” Lou commented looking at him strangely when they came back. Everyone started laughing, even Paul. 

“He's coming to London for our first concert of the year.” I informed her. While looking at her and her sister I realized that they hadn't talked yet, they were too chilled. 

“Nice.”

“I really like your boyfriend's music as well.” Paul said to me now. “This year The Verve blowed my mind, McCabe is a genius. ‘Catching The Butterfly’ is one of my favorites songs now.”

“So, by telling me this you expect to get VIP tickets to see The Verve live too?” And for the first time in all night and since I met him, he didn't know what to say. I was only teasing him, he didn't seem an opportunists, I knew Lou picked up her friends well. Perhaps, that comment was too bitchy. “I'm just joking. I'll tell them, they'll appreciate it.”

“Oh, haha.” He giggled once he noticed it was just a joke. In that moment the waiter started pouring the champagne we had ordered in each of our glasses. “And how did you two meet?”

“The three of us first met him at the first time. He was at the studio, he had just decided he wanted to record with the band again, ‘Urban Hymns’ casually. Almost two years ago, time flies.” I took a sip of champagne. “But it isn't as good as how Andy met Harry.”

I loved that story, it was way too funny and sweet, but to be honest I did that to draw the attention to them. 

“Oh, I don't know that one.” Lou exclaimed. “Tell us.”

“Well, everything started when I was with my eldest nephew, who was five, playing in the backyard with a football ball.” Andy started the anecdote grabbing Harry's hand tightly. “I still lived with my parents then and used to babysit him for my sister from time to time. In my parent’s kitchen happens to be a huge window. Suddenly, little James decided that throwing the ball straight to this huge glass was a good idea.” I laughed. “Thanks God, there wasn't anybody behind the window that was completely shattered. Everybody blamed me, obviously. I had to pay for its repair and call them someone to do it. I didn't make much money at the time, so it was really expensive for me.”

“But that's why you met me. It wasn't that ‘expensive’ as you say in the end.”

“It changed my life. But yeah, it was expensive.” That's why I enjoyed listening to this story so much, they were too funny telling it. “The following week, after my parents had tortured me that the house way too colder now, the glass company finally came to my house. In that moment, this guy not so older than me came out of the truck, and he was very hot. It was Harry’s mate.” As everyone burst in laughter, the food arrived. 

“Nah, no one's sexier than Harry.” She leaned to one side and rounded Harry's shoulders with her right arm kissing him on the cheek as he grinned. “I watched them work all afternoon long.”

“And I thought: ‘Why is this crazy lunatic looking at me?”

“Liar, you loved every second of it. I couldn't let this chance go away, so I started to chat with him.” She had omitted the part in which Harry took his T-shirt off before carrying the glass to the backyard with those beige gloves and a yellow helmet, The Beatles playing in the background, I had listened to this story too many times. “He asked me my number and I gave it to him gladly.”

Then it came part II of the story: their first time like six months after they started dating, but she didn't proceed because she knew Harry would feel uncomfortable. However, I knew he had taken her for the weekend to Brighton, to visit its scenic beaches and explore some of their ninety-eight parks and gardens taking a walk in the Sussex countryside. According to her, it was perfect… and that his dick was huge… Of course that when she told us this, Oli didn't spoke to her for a week. 

We spent the rest of the night talking signing autographs and taking some photos with fans, joking and speaking nonsense like the old times until the countdown, 1997 had been amazing, the best year of my life up to then I could say. When it was twelve o'clock, Harry kissed Andy, Paul kissed Lou on the cheek and I copied him and did the same to Cam. I missed Richard but I would try to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve with him this year.


	48. Chapter 48

On January 2, I had already arrived at London, Richard had arrived the day before. The next leg of their tour started in eight days with a gig in Glasgow, so his mother changed her plans and would visit him from January 5 to 9.

“You should start packing something.” I said that night when we were at his flat. “With your mother and Laura here you won't have much time.”

“Yeah, I should but I don't wanna waste time I could spend with you listening to you playing your new bongos.” He said pointing the lenses of the video camera to me sitting on his couch. 

I was hugging the bongos he had just given to me as my Christmas present, I always did that when I liked a gift too much. That bongos had belonged to Ian Brown and were signed by him, I had watched a tape of The Stone Roses in Blackpool too many times to know that these were the bongos Ian played sitting on the floor in the middle of “I Am The Resurrection” with a pair of drumsticks back in ‘89. It must have been really expensive, my gift couldn't be compared to this. I got that video camera for him because Tongy had kept the one he bought in the States. 

“I'll never play this bongos. They'll be inside a glass cabinet to preserve them and for me to see them every day.” He smiled. “Don't film me, I'm going through and emotional crisis because I own Ian Brown's bongos.”

“Maybe I want to see those bongos every day too.” He commented laughing. 

“Well, for that we would have to live together.” As soon as I said that, he closed the camera and stopped recording. 

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, well... I am. I'd really like to live with you. Haven't you thought about it?”

“Of course I did. I just didn't want to rush things.”

“We don't spend a great part of the year in London and then we have to arrange where to meet. It would be nice to know that you are wanting for me at our home.”

“I'd love to but let's think about it for a while.”

“You sound like you didn't want to live with me.” I said grinning to show him I wasn't mad at him for that. I got up leaving the bongos on the coffee table and rounded my arms around his neck. “It's pretty much what we do anyway, but we'll be more comfortable.”

“I would have made this decision months ago, but as you said half of the year we aren't here…” He twisted his lips to one side as he used to do as he placed both of his hands on my waist. 

“So it's decided…”

“We could say so.” He smiled and kissed me. 

“We should better start looking for a place.”

“I don't want to live in London anymore. I want to go to somewhere quieter.” He said almost whispering in my ear. 

“Where do you think?”

“Mmm, I have an idea.”

\----------- -_-  
“I was looking forward to meeting you.” Laura told me when they finally arrived. I had escaped from the studio to have lunch with them. 

“Likewise. Richard told me a lot of things about you.” I was holding a glass with the wine I had brought. 

“I hope that good things only. How can you stand this moody bastard?” She asked me while Richard was talking to their mum in the kitchen. 

“Well…” I said raising my eyebrow but smirking in order not to seem rude. “He has had his not so good moments but nothing that he couldn't handle or nothing completely annoying to me.”

“Lunch is ready.” Louise exclaimed luckily for me, because I wouldn't have known how to continue that conversation. 

“We’re moving together.” Richard announced once we were eating chips and gravy. We had discussed and reached to the conclusion that there was no point in keeping it for ourselves, they would find it out anyway. “You're the first ones to know.” 

“How old are you? You're kinda young to be doing something like this.” Laura stated. 

“I don't really think so.” I started. “I'm 25 and he's 26. It would be worse if I was 21 and he 22. It's not that we're having children or anything yet. Apart from that, our jobs make it possible for us to buy a house.”

“Have you decided where are you moving to?” Louise asked after a few seconds of silence due to my comment. She didn't seemed thrilled with the idea either, as I had imagined, but at least she was trying to hide it. 

“We’re leaving from London.” He informed them. “We were thinking about Gloucestershire.”

“Oh, Wales.” Louise observed. “Well, it's closer to Manchester than London.”

After that meal, I came back to the studio. Fortunately, Louise had seen something good of our news. On the other hand, I had liked and got on really well with Victoria, I didn't hate Laura but she wasn't my favorite sister-in-law.


	49. Chapter 49

The Verve first gig of the year was in Glasgow, Scotland. The rest of the days with his mother and Laura were ok but we were working really hard on the album so I couldn't spend much time with them. We were almost finishing it, making the lasts arrangements. 

On January 12, Oasis released “All Around The World” that went to #1 despite the album's not excellent reviews. It was the e third single of “Be Here Now” after “Stand By Me” which along with “Don't Go Away” were the two most emotional songs in the album. Both Gallagher brothers had married the previous year, perhaps they were softer now. Of course, I bought this last single, containing amazing B-sides such us “The Fame”, a cover of “Street Fighting Man” by The Rolling Stones and “Flashbax” sung by Noel and my favorite. 

That day we had to film the video for our next single. We had agreed that all of us would go to Cam’s flat who was gonna take us in her car to the set. I arrived sooner than expected because I had gone walking. When I was only a block away I saw Jane getting out of Cam’s building. I started walking slower so she couldn't recognise me. 

“Jane was here a while ago. I saw her downstairs.” I commented once O was with Cam in her apartment. 

“Fuck! It's none of your business!” I looked at her refusing to say a word. “And what you did then of telling Lou! She didn't have to know it!”

“I needed someone to make you come to your senses! I could have told your mum!”

“But my sister didn't have to be involved in an argument I have with you two! I think you're not doing this for “my own sake” as you say, you do this because it isn't good publicity for the band!” I couldn't believe she had just said that. 

“You know what?” I said after a few seconds. “You're right. The band comes first, it's everything I've ever worked for. And if you go on with this attitude that you don't give a fuck about anything or anyone, it's easy for me sack you.”

Just in that moment the doorbell rang. She passed right next to me walking straight to the door. I was starting to regret what I had said. 

“This band is nothing without me and you know it. You can't fuckin’ play guitar well.” It was the last thing she said before opening the door. 

\------------  
The video clip of “The Heating Sun” consisted in us walking in different scenarios with the sun above us, to end up in a gig. For the part of the gig we used footage from the one we did the same day “Clockwork Times” came out, the concept was similar to that video. 

I couldn't stop thinking about what Cam had said, our conversation from start to end. She was probably right and telling that I could sack her was outta place, but sometimes she bring out the worst in me. 

“We’re shooting that one last part again.” Mark, the director told me. I was in a café they had assembled in the set at the same time the others were filming their parts. “Could you do it with a chipper expression in your face?”

I was gonna say “Fuck you”, but I could stop myself from expressing my feelings and did reluctantly what I was told. When we finally finished I didn't even say goodbye to Cam, I was completely mad at her. 

“Wait!” I heard Andy shouting behind me before having left. “We can walk together a few blocks.”

“Ok.” I stood next to the door a few seconds to wait her. 

“So… What the fuck happened?” She asked once we were walking down the street. I knew that the anger between Cam and me had been very noticeable. 

“The same as usual. Since she started seeing Jane she's a total bitch.” After that I told her the argument we had had. 

“I think we just have to let her be.”

“I hate being like… part of this… the cheating.”

“Ain't nothing we can do. We don't know Tom that much to go and tell him. And he's been a dick with us. Apart from that, it would be like betraying Cam.”

“I don't know. We'll see how things turn out in the end.”

\---------------  
“I got news today.” Richard announced when I called him that evening. They were in Manchester and were gonna play in the Manchester Apollo that night. 

“Good or bad?”

“In fact, kinda bad… A portion of 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' has been approved for use in a Nike television ad that will be appearing in the US for a limited run. This would not have happened if we hadn't lost the publishing copyright.”

“It isn't as bad as I had imagined.”

“But The Verve is a rock band, and our music shouldn't be used to endorse things! And I'm sure ABKCO will keep all the money produced with the fucking commercial.”

“You're right about that the song shouldn't be used for this. But you have the credits for having written the lyrics, you'll get money for that. Besides, this could give you more popularity in the US. You don't have to take things that negatively.”

“You're as negative as me, I don't know why you're saying this to me.”

“I'm trying to help you deal with your problems and you go and tell me this without even asking if I have had any problems.”

“I've noticed your voice stressed out but I didn't want to ask because I know you hate being asked if you're fine when clearly something happened to you recently. I also know that eventually you'll tell me when you have analysed better or solved it if it's not as serious. Am I wrong?”

“No.”

“Will you tell me now or in two days when I come back?”

“When you come back.”

“Well. See you in two days. I'll call you tomorrow.”

“Ok. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”


	50. Chapter 50

On January 16 and 17, The Verve had two gigs to give in Brixton Academy in London so I joined the band to both of them. I could see that in the crowd there were really young kids, about 12-13 years old. Richard didn't like when people that young went to their concerts; he thought that they wouldn't understand their songs, some of them like “The Drugs Don't Work”, “Weeping Willow”, “A Northern Soul”, “On Your Own” referred to depression, loneliness, drugs… topics not very positive for those inexperienced minds. However, at the end, tunes such as “Lucky Man”, “Sonnet”, “One Day”, “This Could Be My Moment” showed that there's light after all these problems. 

The day after that we started packing everything to move. Both of us had already found people interested in buying our flats. We had already bought a house in Taynton, Gloucestershire and would begin living there by the following week. I had never imagined we would be living there so fast, but it's impressive what money can do. I also started to have second thoughts about it, we had finished recording the album and arranged everything with Evelyn so they didn't need me being in London anymore but I loved that city and now we would be like three hours away from Andy, Harry and Cam even though I was still mad at her. However, since I had met Richard I knew he wanted to leave London and go to a more pacific place. 

I was helping him pack some things in his apartment, Harry had given us a lot of boxes the company didn't use. I was organising the stuff of the bathroom in the boxes, while he was doing the same with his clothes. When I grabbed his razor, I wondered if he knew I had shaved my legs a few times with it. Then I took a little orange jar, after observing it for some seconds I realised they were my pills. I had forgotten he had them. Since the Anderson thing, I didn't have the necessity to take them. Instead of putting them into the box, I threw it to the bin. If I felt tempted to take one of those again, it would be more difficult for me to obtain them.

\--------------  
A couple of days before leaving the city, we went to a bustling pub for booze and a few drinks. We were plenty of people: the two of us, Andy, Harry, Cam, Brian, Si introducing his girlfriend, Pete and his wife, Tongy and Nick. 

“I just want to say…” Andy said dead serious after a while. “... that I hate you both for giving us so little time to assimilate that you won't be living near us anymore. Thank you very much for your attention.”

I looked at her grinning. Only Richard, Si, Harry and me had listened to her announcement, the others were too concentrated in their own conversations. 

“You had to make this more depressing than it already is.” Si commented. “I won't be able to go to Richard’s anymore and steal cigarettes.”

“When did you do that?” Richard asked him. 

“More than once.”

“Sorry.” Andy exclaimed ignoring that last part of the conversation. “But I'll really miss you, Darz. Cam doesn't appreciate most of my jokes.”

“Well, Mad Dick…” I said honouring the nickname Si had given him. “... convinced me to buy this.”

I took from the pocket of my jacket my brand new Motorola StarTAC. It had been first released in 1996 and I was having one of those two years later. 

“I could guess why you call him that.” Andy never missed the opportunity to say something like that, but I had to admit it was funny, I was kinda looking for that reaction when I said it. “Let me see. It's cool. But it won't be the same anymore.” She hit the table with her fist quite violently. 

She was right, it wouldn't be the same anymore, as we weren't the same as three years ago. Life had came through and we had to move on, we had made sacrifices and choices we believed were the best for us. This was a goodbye, to say goodbye to the past. This would be the first time I lived in a different city as them. The feeling of something missing would never go away. I would try to call her at least once two days but it wouldn't be like when we lived in Leeds and spent most of our time rehearsing in the back room of the bar. We were a successful band and the show must go on. The same had happened when Oliver moved to Paris, but I got the feeling this would leave more marks in our friendship. 

“In March we start the tour, you'll see me every day. Besides we'll came back for a few days for the Brit Awards next month.”

“I don't want you to go.” At this point we were the only ones talking. 

“It's completely decided. But the house is big, we went there last weekend. We can designate a room for you and Harry. However, it's only three hours away! I'm not moving to South Africa.”

“I know.” Then she hugged me. Sometimes she could be much more sensitive than me. At the end of the night she ended up crying and if I had been more emotional, I would have cried too. Cam, Andy and me hugged forgetting all of our issues for a moment.


	51. Chapter 51

“I would like to leave this city, this old town don't smell too pretty and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind.” I sang outta tune all the way to Taynton on repeat.

“You know, I really like most of Oasis’ songs. But if you continue singing ‘Half The World Away’ like that, I'll hate it.” 

"Haha. Hey, you have to check this band out." I told him holding and showing to him 'Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space', an album I had bought the previous week. "It's called Spiritualized. They're good. My favorite was 'Come Together'."

"Ok, play them so you stop singing like that." I laughed hard.

We spent the rest of week organising everything in the new house. I had never lived with someone sharing so much, the same room, the same bathroom… And I knew it would very difficult considering my OCD. I was used to a certain order and now I would have to set it aside. Richard wasn't a disorganized man, but he didn't understand the bathroom’s codes, such as the soap on the left, the teeth brushes on the right. Anyway, leaving with someone is difficult in general. 

One of the things I loved the most about that house was the music room. We had various types of guitars, a grand piano, tambourines, keyboards, drums, bass guitars and Ian Brown's bongos inside a glass cabinet as I had promised. Then, the master bedroom was upstairs, we had bought a huge bed that faced the balcony pretty similar to Varenna’s one. 

The living room was fantastic too, I was amazed by the fireplace. It was still quite cold so we used it as soon as we got there. On each of its sides, there were hanging Oli’s pictures. When he had visited us that November he had seen them in my place and he wasn't very pleased to find out that Richard was the one who bought them. I had placed two red woollen armchairs in front of it, and that's where I was sitting listening to “The White Album”. Suddenly, the music stopped in the middle of “Helter Skelter”. I turned my head back and saw Richard changing vinyls in the record player and a much more slow song started. He had come back, he had gone to buy some food. 

“Mmm, you're feeling romantic.” I said while “Love Of My Life” was playing in the background as he got closer to me. “Are you feeling cold?”

“I've never been a big fan of Queen, I'm more of a Pink Floyd kinda guy, but I like this song. And in fact, I am, it's snowing outside.” His arms were crossed and pressed on his chest. 

“Turn that off and kiss me.”

“Why? I can kiss you while the song plays.”

“Would you like that people made love with your music playing?” He placed his hands on both of the armrests and leaned towards me. 

“Of course. If I can induce someone to have a shag from a song, perfect. It's better than shooting somebody, d'you know what I mean?” He explained smiling. I couldn't help it any more and started laughing. “Don't you think I'm right? It's not about violence, it's about love. A lot of my songs are about love.”

“That part in ‘Come On’ when you shout ‘Fuck you!’ doesn't seem very lovely to me.”

“I think Liam sang that.”

“No! I recognise your voice, it's you…” I couldn't continue arguing because he kissed me in order to shut up. 

I continued snogging him while touching his very cold cheeks and wrapped my arms around his neck until I got up of the armchair. I walked straight to the little brown table against the wall and took the vinyl off the record machine without breaking eye contact. I approached slowly to where he was standing. I raised my eyes until I encountered his blue ones and after that lifted my head so my lips was a few inches away from his. For a few seconds neither of us moved, but then he couldn't wait any longer and kissed me; he tasted like cigarettes and mint. 

I introduced my hands, that were warm because I had been sitting there for more than an hour, under his sweater and shirt and taking them off with a single movement. He started kissing my neck while pulling my leggings down. I unzipped his jeans and then he was almost naked. Moments later, he stopped and bending his knees he sat on the bordeaux carpet in front of the fireplace. He extended his hand to mine to help me sit facing him. He grabbed my T-shirt and pulled it above my head putting his hands on my back undoing my bra really slow. He caressed my breasts for a few seconds before going down and removing my knickers.

I needed him to be as vulnerable as I was, so I took his boxers off as well, he was hard already. Then, I got closer to him surrounding his hips with my legs and his neck with my arms. His skin wasn't as cold as I thought it would be. He stared to my naked body with so much love and admiration that I felt that there wasn't nothing I wouldn't do for him. I kissed him unhurriedly taking my own time as he inserted himself inside of me. 

With this position, he found it slightly difficult to thrust into me. Instead, he was in a more grinding motion while holding me tight with his arms around my back. My legs on his. However, being like that was the most intimate and passionate we had ever been and that's how I knew we had reached another level in our relationship and I saw in his eyes that he had noticed it too. 

“I had never felt something like this.” He whispered into my right ear making me shudder. 

“It's too much… I love you.”

“Love you.”

The sensation of my nipples rubbing against his chest was completely exquisite. The fire illuminated his skin with oranges tones. I didn't know what sound was more compelling: the wood being burnt or his groans. This contact between our bodies was totally intense, and because of that my clit was receiving extra stimulation. That's why, I started feeling that I was building up. All of sudden, he hit my G-spot and my body exploded in an body-shattering orgasm. After that, he found his own climax collapsing on my right shoulder without moving. I knew, he wasn't cold anymore.


	52. Chapter 52

I had exactly one month to arrange the house because the tour started the first days of March in Derby. We had postponed the release of the album because some shit Cam had said to Evelyn, and somehow she couldn't say ‘no’ to her. Anyway, it would come out in April. 

“Do you really think I'm a horrible guitarist?” We were in the music room, I was playing some riffs with my Gibson. He was in next to me writing lyrics, he was wearing a light blue sweater. “Be honest.”

“Well, first of all Cam shouldn't have said that…” He said setting aside the sheets of paper between us. 

“Yeah, yeah. That's not what I asked.”

“In my humble opinion, you play it a little better than me, but I'm a shitty guitarist.”

“Oh, fuck. That's what everyone thought when I played lead?”

“Mmm, I can only speak for myself, but that's what I thought. Darz, that's how bands work. Nick and Cam are splendid guitarists and these bands don't work without them. Cam was right, you can't kick her out if you want the band to succeed.”

“I guess I'll have to stand her in this bitchy state all the tour long. And I'll have to stick to rhythm guitar live. At least you're worse than me.”

“But you know, I play better than you with the acoustic.”

In that moment the phone rang. He stood up and walked to the little table next to the door on which the phone was. 

“Hello.” He started to come back to where he had been sitting with the phone in hand. “Nick.” I read his lips say. 

I stood up left the Gibson on one of our guitar stands and took a small stool and put it next to him. 

“When?” His face didn't show any expression but I could say that by his tone it was something good. 

I placed my hand in the middle of his left thigh. He looked at me surprised but didn't stop me, so my hand continued moving forward and undid the button of his jeans and then unzipped them. 

“I think one is fine.” I slid my hand in his boxers and he released a soft moan. His breath was quite ragged. He gazed at me rather helpless, trying to express a warning; but I didn't want to put an end to it. It was obvious he liked it otherwise he would have stopped me. “Sorry… No, I don't want two…”

It was kinda difficult to introduce my hand and reach where I wanted to reach so I began kissing his neck in a way I knew he loved it. He grabbed my hand not so firmly and then his grip became softer, allowing me to carry on. I wanted to give him pleasure even though the time wasn't really right. 

“Because two it's… It's like we're doing this for more money.” I went down a little bit more and found his shaft. He groaned louder this time and made eye contact with me shaking his head, but still he didn't move just grinned. “What?... No, it must be the line… Yeah, the line… What I'm trying to say is that we can do two nights in a row wherever you want but no in Wigan...”

I slowly got on top of him, giving sweet pecks on his jawline while I continued teasing him with my hand. 

“Yeah… Any-Anyway, thanks for the call. These are great news… Bye, Nick.” He hanged up the phone, threw it to the other side of the sofa, grabbed my hips and put them closer to him. “Don't do that ever again.” He said emphasizing the ever, although it was noticeable he was in a good mood. “But we have to celebrate. Boyd got us a big gig in Haigh Hall in Wigan.”

“How big?” I asked with my hand still inside his jeans as he grinned. 

“Impressively huge. They're talking about more than 30.000 people.”

“When would this be?”

“Around the last days of May. Next week it'll be announced and the tickets will go on sale.”

Finally, he kissed me and we continued with our duty.


	53. Chapter 53

On February 16, the Nike commercial was released. The price to license these songs isn't cheap; most hits go for $250,000 or more. Nike paid $700,000 for "Bitter Sweet Symphony," but the band received only $175,000, while ABKCO pocketed $350,000. The Verve decided to donate their share to the Red Cross Land Mine Appeal and asked ABKCO to do the same; a good call because it was a great action and by doing this ABKCO wouldn't keep the money that should have been meant to them. Richard didn't say anything when it came out, but I knew he was pissed. 

On February 19, it took place in London Arena the Brit Awards. The Verve was nominated for five categories. We weren't nominated because we hadn't released nothing more than a single the previous year. However, they were requested to play something during the awards. 

“We don't want to perform. I don't want to perform at the Brits. To a bunch of people desperate to be there. An audience full of wannabe reality TV nobodies. Nothing to do with music. I don't want to be slave to these people. I don't want to be governed by these marketing men and all that; they don't know the score, they have never have. It takes people like us to reshape music, not them. Let's show how shit that is by not even going there.” Richard announced. 

Richard was quite mad about it, I think his anger was fueled by the Nike thing. So they ended up giving a concert in Brixton Academy at the same time as the Brit Awards. They would perform for people who really wanted to listen to them. So, none of us had any reason to go there and went to the gig. Brixton Academy was five miles down the road, so they perfectly could have gone to London Arena. Instead, they were broadcasted during the Brits playing some songs. They had to employ a satellite just for five miles away; The Verve had played it well, a way of protesting against the people who run this industry thinking they could make us do whatever they wanted, we were musicians, not puppets. 

That day, I met George Best at Brixton Academy, he was the one who would be broadcasting for the Awards. He was Richard’s idol as he was a huge fan of Man United, so he chatted briefly with him too. Afterwards, Andy arrived too, we went backstage, I had told Cam to go too but she wouldn't. That's when I started fearing a split up, I couldn't work with someone who I didn't talk to. I wouldn't apologise for something I knew was right. I also then understood why The Verve had split up three years before. We had only released one album, all of this couldn't be over. Anyway, I stopped these thoughts and started talking with Andy immediately because I had really missed her. 

“How's Cam?” I asked her. 

“Apparently fine. I saw her last week.” Months ago we used to see each other almost every day. “She barely talks to me. I don't know what we're gonna do next month on tour.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, fuck. I don't know what to do.” Suddenly, the band came out of the dressing rooms and went straight to the stage. Richard hugged Andy because he hadn't seen her before and kissed me on the cheek. Then, the rest of the band greeted her too. Moments later, the music was so loud we couldn't talk anymore. 

In spite of the conversation, I felt too excited for them, I didn't know why because I had been in many The Verve’s concerts before, but there was something different in the air, giving us the message that in the end music is all that matters. Nick’s guitar sounded amazing, and I had loved Si bass, in other bands like Oasis the bass couldn't be heard because the guitars were louder. To be honest, I pretended to create the same effect with my band, and I had sometimes copied Si’s way of playing when I was the bassist. It was for the better that I had stopped playing the bass too, maybe I was shite as well and nobody had told me anything. I could only be sure that I sang well and wrote decent tunes, otherwise we wouldn't have sell not even one record. 

“I'm on a big jet plane // With my briefcase and crime in my veins // I'll be the first to toast // To my rowdy soul.” In the middle of “The Rolling People” my StarTAC began ringing, I had asked Derek, one of our roadies, to keep me informed, he was really kind and had become a great friend of ours during the tours. I could have watched it on TV but didn't want to miss nothing of the concert. 

“Hi, Derek. Any news?”

“Splendid ones, Darz. Youth has won British Producer of the year for ‘Urban Hymns’ and the album was awarded British Album of the Year so far.”

“Well, thanks Derek. Call me if something else happens.”

British Album of the Year… And they weren't even there. “Be Here Now” and “Ok Computer” had been also nominated. By the end of the gig, Derek called me again. 

“Yeah.”

“They've won, Darz. British Group of the Year.” Everybody knew that that was the most important award of the night. 

“Ok. Thank you, Derek.”

In ‘95 Blur had won that award, in ‘96 Oasis had too and now The Verve. In that category Oasis and Radiohead were also nominated. I was truly surprised that Blur and Oasis hadn't received any awards, they had released amazing singles and albums the previous year. Radiohead was also nominated in several categories and didn't won anything, despite having released “Ok Computer”, an album that everybody had been talking a lot about in 1997.

Even though the Awards were crap, I was proud of the guys.


	54. Chapter 54

We came back to Taynton for a few days before the “Best Laid Plans Tour” started. I had really missed Andy those days, so now we'll spend a lot of time together. During March and half April we would tour all over the UK. The other half of April and May we would go to the rest of Europe and come back for my birthday and then for the Haigh Hall gig on May 24. That's how Scott, our tour manager, had organised everything so far. 

“I'll miss you.” We were walking hand in hand around Taynton. It was a really quiet village, only 400 people lived there, so we didn't come across with anybody. It was a sunny morning and the weather was more warm. 

“Let's not think I'm leaving in five days, just enjoy our time left.”

“Sorry.”

“No… I love you so much it's really hard for me too. We should do something before I go, like…”

“Do you want to marry me?” He interrupted me. I opened my eyes wide and looking at him with surprise as we stopped walking. “I'm serious.”

“But now?” We were close to the house. 

“Yeah, we'll have these memories to hold on to while you're away.” His face showed a heartbroken expression; I couldn't say no to him, I loved him too much. 

“I don't know. Your mum will kill you, as well as Andy and Oli will kill me.”

“They don't have to know, it's something between you and me, no one else.”

“If we have kids we won't have photos taken of our wedding.” I said grinning but also worried. 

“We’ll tell them that we couldn't wait any longer and didn't prepared anything. Please, marry me. Make me truly the luckiest man on earth.” Even his eyes pleaded me. 

“Yes… yes…” He smiled and I kissed him passionately. 

We came back to the house, took some money, our credit cards, dressed a little bit better and drove to Gloucester. First of all, we went to a jeweller’s, it didn't take long for us to decide what rings it would be, the most simple golden rings, although his ring was pretty bigger than mine. My ring had his name and the date, as we as his. Even though their simplicity, they were the most expensive rings ever, because we wanted them right away. 

Then we went to the the Civilian Registry Office, presented our IDs, paid another quite exaggerated amount of money. An hour later we were already married before the law. They gave us all the right papers and we left. To be honest, the ceremony was pretty cold. 

We had talked about marriage before. He knew that I also wanted to get married in a church, with a priest and everything. It had been very important to my parents and I wanted to honour them. That's why we had taken ours Certificates. of Baptism. We couldn't arrange that with just money like we had just done, so we could just try to go to a little chapel located in the outskirts of Gloucester. In the Chapel an old priest was in the middle of the mass. We waited for a few minutes until it was over. 

“Hello. We had just got married in the Civilian Registry Office…” Richard told him. 

“And now you want to get married here.” He said smirking once we approached him. 

“I'm traveling in a few days, that's the hurry. We can contribute to the church with some mon…”

“That won't be necessary. Almost nobody gets married these days. I am sure we can do something. Come over here.” He took us to his humble study. 

“I'm so grateful, really.”

“So, you are leaving, can I ask where?” 

“Around the UK. I'm in a band…” We chatted for a bit more. This man didn't know us. 

“I need your full names and the Certificates of Baptism.” I handed them to him and moments later we were in the altar. There were old ladies in the back of the Chapel. He then read Corinthians 14. Richard grabbed both of my hands with his. 

“I don't know you,” He started saying. He was grabbing his Bible above his chest. “But I can tell that you are really in love by the way you look each other. There is not much I can say than I any relationship only progresses with respect, love, commitment and time. My advice is that never go to sleep without having discussed your problems, not solved them, but discussed them. Never stop talking and opening your heart to one another. With a good communication, I don't see why not this shouldn't be a successful marriage. Not for nothing you have chosen each other.”

Then we proceed with the rings. He slipped my ring in my finger and I did the same with his. This ceremony had been much more beautiful than the other one. When he finally kissed me, the ladies applauded.


	55. Chapter 55

After getting married we spent a our last days together in Ireland, another little small village in a picturesque hotel. 

“I'm sorry for having prevented you of an real wedding with Andy, Oli… Cam.” He apologised when we were cuddling in bed the first night. 

“Yeah, I always thought it would be something like that. I don't regret it though. I never wanted a big party and being the constant centre of the attention.” That's why I was in an band and I wasn't a solo artist. “You know that I don't like those things. All that I want and need is you. After all, we're rock ‘n’ roll starts, we need to stick to that image by doing crazy things like this. Don't you think?”

We spent the rest of those days sightseeing the beautiful Irish landscape, making love as a married couple now and resting before the tour. Strangely, during those days I had my parents in mind. I would have liked them to meet Richard, they would have got along. 

\-------------  
We agreed that we would tell everyone together we had got married. We wouldn't take the rings off, so anyone could easily guess it but the big announcement would be when I came back. I always realised these little details, but the others wasn't as observants as I was. 

As I had imagined, leaving this time was more difficult than ever before. The bond between Richard and me was so much profound now. The wedding had made me so happy and satisfied with my life with him that I had forgotten the problems among the band. 

The first day of the tour we reunited in a station in London waiting for the bus to come. Our first stop was Birmingham. Harry wouldn't come with us for this part of the tour, but it seemed that he was doing better with the company, since he been hired to provide all the glass for a new building in the city centre, he was selling better for different projects like houses and other buildings. Andy really happy for him. 

Brian had a girlfriend now too, we would meet her in Oxford, where she was from, a few days later. As Cam hadn't arrived yet, we started talking about the situation of the band once we were in the bus. 

“If she continues like this, I sack her. To me it's more important the band than her stupidity.”

“You're basically saying that being successful is more important than our friendship.” I couldn't believe that Andy was saying that to me. I was about to reply but Brian spoke first. 

“If she's out, we'll never find a guitarist of her quality, so the band won't be successful either wise.”

“But, where the fuck is her?!” I said almost shouting, we should have gone fifteen minutes before. 

“She's not coming.” Scott said when he got into the bus, he had heard me from the outside. “She just called and told me that she's already in Birmingham.”

“What a fucking cunt! Now she doesn't want to travel with us! Let's fucking move then. Let's go.” I was in a complete fury. Above all, Heavy Rain was recording an album too and we were starting to be compared to them again. That Ian Hawkins, the drummer had already said it would be better than ours. I spent the rest of the trip in silence watching through the window. 

I had been in that band for five years. Given everything to be recognised in somewhere else than Leeds and now that we had got all of that and more, it was being threatened by all this shit. 

I felt that Andy and Brian blamed also me. Maybe they were right, if I hadn't said anything to Cam about Jane she wouldn't have got mad and say those horrible things that had hurt me. 

I had to take my mind outta it, so I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and did what I knew to do best: write a song.


	56. Chapter 56

When we arrived at the hotel Birmingham, Cam was in her room. We had always shared rooms but now she had requested a room for herself. I shared mine with Andy next to hers, I knew she had heard us but didn't come out to meet us. She could get to fuck. 

There were still a few hours before the gig, so while Andy was having a shower I took the glossy magazine Alex had bought in the last service station, Damon Albarn and Justine Frischmann were in the cover, they had broken up. As I read the article I understood why Blur had changed their style so much and the meaning of their last lyrics. I knew they also wanted a fresh start after the whole Oasis thing. Apparently, Justine had cheated on Brett Anderson, Suede’s singer, with Damon. As both of them were members of famous bands they were constantly on tour and never saw each other and how their relationship started with cheating it continued like that, cheating in both sides until it exploded. The Britpop couple no longer existed. 

I won't lie and say that Richard cheating on me when I was away or when he was away had never crossed my mind. But I trusted him and I was more concerned that he had a breakdown and got into depression again than he being unfaithful. That's why I tried to call him everyday. He had put a ring in my finger, that was commitment. 

After that, I called Oli. I need someone else to listen to this story. He didn't know anything about the argument with Cam. He needed to know this. 

“Hi, Oli. How are you? Can you talk?”

“Darz! I'm fine. Yes, it's alright. Sylvain is sleeping and Juliette is working.”

“I need to tell you something. Something about Cam…” Then, I told him everything. Since we had found out about Jane and her, to the day before she didn't want to travel with us. 

“I don't know why you don't tell me these things when they happen. I supposed she was into girls. But she's a prick!”

“I know!” Maybe I only called him because I knew he would agree with me about it. 

“Perhaps, the band should take a break…”

“No! That's a synonym of splitting up.” I was scandalized that he even suggested that. I heard someone screaming on the other side, Sylvain was awake. 

“Oh, that's Sylvain. I have to go. Please, keep me updated. And tell Cam that I say she's a bitch.”

Talking to Oli had helped me a little,but I had to go now. We had to go some time early to the club for the sound check. I didn't even wait for Cam either, I just left alone without waiting for anyone. I would have gone walking because it wasn't that far but I knew I would arrive late as fans could ask for autographs or photos and I didn't have much time. 

When I got to the club, Cam was already there. She was tuning her guitar. She raised her gaze, looked it was me, and continued what she was doing. I got onto the stage and put the mic to the height of my mouth, I always had to do that because I was rather short. 

“I hope you hadn't asked for that room alone because you're expecting Jane, it would be too evident.” I commented looking at the front holding the microphone with my right hand and the cable with the left. 

“Not really. In fact, I only did it because I'm sick of you and your fucking comments like that one. And what I hate the most, is that you believe that you lead the band. If you were the leader, you would have the balls to sack me.” Right then, Andy and Brian arrived laughing as usual as they were the most chipper members of the band. They quickly shut up noticing the tense atmosphere. They took their instruments and we started jamming. 

The gig was crap, because I wasn't thinking straight what I was doing. “Get your shit together, girl”, I felt Andy’s look behind my back saying that. I felt quite sorry for Brian, he didn't have nothing to do with this.


	57. Chapter 57

On March 2, The Verve released “Sonnet”. Hut had asked them to put out another single from the album, an idea which the band disagreed with. Unusually, Hut pressed them on this matter, and so the band finally agreed to release "Sonnet", but only in a format that would make it ineligible for chart recognition. If it would have been properly released, I know it would have been #1. However it received a huge radio coverage. 

One of the most beautiful songs in the album because of its lyrics: “Dreaming about the day when I can see you there // My side // By my side.” Quite prophetic as he wrote it back in '95. My favorite B-side was “So Sister” obviously. It was weird hearing people singing songs about me, but I couldn't prevent him of releasing those songs. 

The music video began with the depiction of a large car park. An "Exit" sign written in Russian could be seen in the background. The rest of the video consisted of repeated close-ups of Ashcroft sitting down on a red chair, with different backgrounds each time until the end when the whole band appears sitting in other chairs next to him. The first time I watched it, I thought it was similar to the video of “All Around The World” that at the same time was inspired by the “Yellow Submarine” one. 

On the other hand, we released “Heating Sun” on March 15. The second single for “Best Laid Plans”. It reached to #2 in the charts, our second single to reach that far. We were getting the recognition we deserved. I really couldn't believe we were talking about splitting up now. A month before the album came out.

Nobody really was in the mood to celebrate it. It had only been two weeks and this tour was already shit. I wasn't having a good time, I only wanted to go home with my husband. I was sacrificing my first married months for this… However, a singer isn't someone easily replaceable and I wouldn't do it to Brian and Andy, they didn't deserve that. 

The press started to notice this too, so there were stories like “Space Sirens splitting up: Heavy Rain wins the war?” everywhere. At least they didn't know the real reason why everything was like that in the band, they justified it saying there were just internal problems among the members. 

\------------  
It was one of the last days of March. The situation hadn't got any better, on the contrary, we didn't spoke and only saw each other during the gigs. I couldn't sleep most of the nights. According to Derek, if I wasn't depressed it was something close to that. I started regretting having thrown the pills away. This was the second time the future of the band, we had got so far, it couldn't be over. 

We were in Brighton. I was at the lobby of the hotel asking for a map of the city because I wanted to go for a walk later, I needed to know if Chris, one of our bodyguards, was gonna be available to join me. In that moment I saw someone stand next to me. 

“Darcie!” It was Jane. She was wearing dark shades but it seemed that she had been crying. “I was about to ask in which room Camille is. Tell me, please. I need to see her.”

“I don't know.”

“Fuck! Do you always have to be such a bitch?! I'm sorry if I have offended you, but I need to see her!” The people all over the lobby started to turn around. I would have told her to calm down but I didn't because I hated when people said that to me. 

“I don't know where the fuck she is. I just know that she's staying in a different hotel than us. However, there's no reason why I should told you. Because of you my band is falling apart.”

“Thank you.” She said with all the hate in the world, I don't think anybody else ever had talked to me with such contempt. And, as soon as she arrived, she left. 

I almost ran to the lifts and then to Andy’s room. I knocked her door multiple times until she opened it. 

“What happens?”

“Jane has just come here.” I told her getting into her room. 

“What for?” She asked closing the door behind me. 

“She wanted to know where Cam was. She seemed quite desperate.”

“Wow. What did you tell her?”

“Only that I didn't know.” I omitted the part in which I blamed her for all of this. 

“And, why she was acting like that?”

“I think we'll find out very soon.”


	58. Chapter 58

Before we found out anything, there were pictures mine with Jane discussing in the lobby of the hotel. 

“Fuck. I want to know what happened before more articles about me come out.”

“Maybe we should ask Scott where Cam is staying and ask her. He must know.” Andy suggested. 

“You go. She's not as mad at you.”

“No! I won't go alone.”

“Well, I don't want to go either. We'll have to wait.”

Hours later, while I was getting ready for that's night gig in my room, the phone rang. 

“Hello.”

“Darcie, it's me, Evelyn. I wanted you to know something. Then you can tell the rest of the band.” I already knew what this was about. We were finally going to have some answers. 

“I'm listening.”

“This will be public tomorrow during a press conference. I have my contacts so I heard about it sooner, and I think it affects you, so here I go… Heavy Rain is splitting up, it's official.” Well that explained a lot. 

“Do you know why?”

“Allegedly, Jane Holden and Tom Griffith broke up. He's the one leading the conference because anyone knows where Jane is. Without him or Jane there's only Ian and Rebecca left in the band, so that leaves them with no band. You've won the war.”

“But do you know why they broke up?”

“Perhaps, tomorrow we'll know. But that's not important, isn't it?” Oh, little did she know. 

As well as I had done before, I went to Andy’s room and told her what I had just found out. 

“She must already know.” Andy commented. 

“Do we say anything when we see her?”

“Let's wait she tells us.”

“Do you think I should have told Evelyn? Maybe she could have contacted Claire.” Claire was our publicist. 

“What is done, it's done…”

That night, during the gig no one said anything about it, all of us acted like nothing had happened and I didn't saw Jane either. The next morning everything exploded. 

“Darz, come quickly! The conference has started!” I heard Andy yelling from the corridor. 

“The first thing I wanna say is that the band is splitting up.” I heard when I entered her room and saw Tom in the screen of the TV. Brian, Scott and Derek were already there. 

“It's that so or you are talking a break?” One reporter asked the rest of the band. 

“We are officially splitting up but I reckon we could collaborate in the future.” Ian was the one who talked now. 

“What happened that you took this decision?”

“Jane and I broke up and I don't think I could work with her any second more.” Tom's face showed just two emotions: anger and being broken-hearted. It was obvious he had found out she had been unfaithful. Many reporters started talking at the same time until one of them was allowed to speak and ask his question. 

“Don't you think you are letting Space Sirens win?” Tom's face showed disgust now. 

“Oh, fuck.” I exclaimed. 

“I’d say they won when Jane decided to cheat on me with Camille Stone.” It could be heard that everyone there starting talking almost shouting. 

“Did you know about this?!” Brian couldn't believe it. 

“A few months ago it started and we told her…”

“SHH!” Andy shut me up as Tom started talking again. 

“I happen to be Dave Rowntree’s friend, Blur's drummer. He had invited Jane and me to a gig at Wembley Arena. You can jump to conclusions about when this happened. I stayed at the studio that night with James, our producer finishing an album that now won't be released. She went to the gig and then to the after party. It seems that Stone was there too, and as far as I know they fucked… There.” He waited a few seconds to keep talking. “Dave is her friend too, so he didn't know whether to tell me, but I thank him. Apparently it went on, it goes on… ” 

“I didn't really liked Dave, but…”

“But he was right.” Andy finished my sentence.


	59. Chapter 59

The week the album was gonna come out we came back to London for an acoustic set in Virgin Megastore, just like when we released “Stolen Dreams”. We would also sign a few albums and talk to fans. 

Richard went to London too. I had missed him too much. Sometimes when I couldn't sleep because of this problem I called him and he stayed talking for hours with me until I fell asleep. This whole situation about splitting up made me consider becoming a solo artist, but I didn't know if that was for me really. 

“Did anyone notice?” He asked me once I had got everything outta my system telling him what happened while I was away again. He pointed to my golden ring. When I saw his, I couldn't help to smile. 

“No, nobody said a thing.”

“Well, Nick did notice. I have already warned him.”

“Oh, I want to tell the rest with Oli here too.” I told him as we got into the back room of Virgin Megastore. 

“Congratulations!” Nick exclaimed. I had forgotten I had invited him as well. 

“Thank you!” I said once I had looked around to check if there was anyone else. And then I hugged him. 

“Talking about something different,” Nick started. “what about the band?”

“Mmm, no so great. This last week we toured with Jane too, I didn't really saw her though. But Cam began to talk to us again, that's a progress. Maybe, Jane is making her come to her senses.” Richard approached to me and rounded me with his arm. 

“But you'll keep on touring normally?” He wanted to know. 

“We are up to now. I'd say that since that press conference the situation is quite better for us. Anyway, this leg of the tour ends in a month. We don't have anything organised for the rest of the year.”

“I have an idea…” Suddenly Evelyn and Claire got into the room too. 

“Is everything ready?”

“We just need the rest of the band.”

“We have time.” She said giving a glance at her watch. 

“It's quite good that you're here, I was thinking that since they don't have any gigs organised after May they can tour with us in America during July and August.”

“They can open your gigs.” Evelyn said staring to the floor. 

“That's right. I wouldn't recommend doing that in the UK, Japan, or in the rest of Europe because they're two very popular bands and smaller bands should be the ones to opening the shows for them. But, in America The Verve are totally more well known that you guys.” Claire said directly to me. After all, she was our publicists, she got paid to know what was the best for us concerning these topics. 

I perceived that Nick gaze to my ring and then to my eyes grinning. He was trying to tell me that he suggested that idea so Richard and me could tour with our bands without having to be apart. I nodded showing him gratitude. I didn't want to stay away from my husband for that long. 

“Well, we'll must talk to Scott, Andy, Cam, Brian and the rest of the management to see if they agree.”

I had thought before about touring with Richard but never suggested it because I knew it would be difficult to make that really happen. We wouldn't have resigned to touring with our bands either. And of course that Evelyn liked the idea, The Verve was already a successful band in America, touring with them would give us more popularity there too. Besides, The Verve was more popular than ever in America now due to the Nike commercial; their singles had raised in the charts as well as “Urban Hymns” since it was released. I had told Richard, the thing with the commercial couldn't be that bad. I didn't want to say “I told you so” but it wasn't necessary, he already knew it. 

\----------  
The day the album was released it became the fastest selling album overpassing “Be Here Now” record. It also went straight to #1. This happened in part because of Heavy Rain splitting up and the cheating, I wanted to believe that our music had made people buy the album too. However, selling this amount albums couldn't be bad for the band. 

With regard to Cam, I wasn't gonna to apologise due to my foolish pride and it seemed that she wasn't either. We just did what we always did when we had a fight: we acted like nothing had happened and little by little our relationship was becoming what it was before. To be honest, the scandal she had made ended up being beneficial for the band. With Andy she made up pretty quickly, she had always been the friendly one. Apparently, Jane and Cam where together now; Richard was right, it seemed to have feeling for Jane. I wasn't gonna do much effort trying to talk to Jane.

Since experimenting all the fear of the band splitting up and that hostile atmosphere, everything started to be more “me and them” than it's supposed to be “us”. I was really sad about it but I couldn't change how things were.


	60. Chapter 60

“Tour with them?!” Cam asked with a hint of disbelief in her voice. We were in the tour bus heading to Marseille. She was travelling with us again as well as Jane who was strangely silent. 

“Just in the U.S. It would be from July 28 to August 17. Less than a month.” Scott explained her. I didn't want to be involved in another argument. 

“I won't open other band’s gigs! Some smaller singer should open the concerts for us. The Verve isn't that much popular than us. Play for twenty fucking minutes so they can play a set of an hour and a half. For fuck’s sake!”

“Recently The Verve raised their sales in America, so we could say that they are more popular than you, don't forget they have been nominated for a Grammy. Besides, this will gain you popularity too, so next tour you'll be free to choose who you want to open your gigs. And recently Oasis, one of the biggest bands in the country I must say, opened a few gigs for U2.” 

“I don't give a fuck about Oasis or U2. We’ll get the image that we depend of The Verve just because Darcie doesn't want to be apart from her boyfriend.”

“You cunt! This wasn't my idea.”

“However, I don't see you complaining about it.”

“I'm sick of you two!” Andy yelled. “Perhaps we can get something in the middle. I think a set of 45 minutes it's fine and then The Verve goes. Scott, you can talk to their management about it, can't you?”

“I can get you a longer set before The Verve.”

\----------  
After Marseille, we went to Paris. We preferred not to visit Oliver at his house because fans would stalk him and his family if they knew where he lived. 

“Hi, love. We have already arrived to Paris.”

“That's fine. When are you seeing Oliver?”

“He's coming to the hotel in a while. He's coming alone because Juliette is working and Sylvain is with her mother.”

“Tell him I say hi.”

“Ok. What are your doing today?”

“Si is coming over. By the way have you heard the news?”

“What news?”

“You're playing a fifty-minute-set before us.” Scott had managed to get half an hour more than it was arranged at first. “It's almost like the two bands are headlining.”

“Wow. Scott did it.”

“Yeah, it will be a pleasure to tour with my wife.”

“We’ll have more time…”

“And a lot of new places.”

“Mmm.”

“Please, tell me you're not having phone sex.” I heard someone say behind me. 

“Oli!” I had left my door unlocked in purpose. “Richard, Oli is here. Call me tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you.” I hanged the phone up. 

“It's none of your business but we weren't having phone sex.” I said while I hugged him. 

A couple of minutes later we were a the bar of the hotel all together. Andy ordered beers for everyone. Oli couldn't stop staring at Cam and Jane. Cam was wrapping her shoulders with her left arm caressing Jane’s hand with hers. Now that the lust was over the acted with more tenderness. I started talking about anything with Oli so he stopped looking at them so boldly, even though he glanced quickly from time to time. 

“How's Juliette and Sylvain?” Andy asked him while he was touching his nose, something he always did and I never understood why. 

“Everything is fine. Sylvain is a grumpy kid.”

“That's not a surprise.” She commented and I smirked. “And work?”

“I'm selling more than usual. But that started when Ashcroft bought two of the pictures in a row.”

“I don't understand why you were complaining.” I exclaimed. 

“Well…” He sighed dramatically. “I thought that the person who had bought them did that because genuinely liked my art.”

“All of us love your art and Juliette’s.”

“Yeah, well…” He didn't want to talk about it anymore. Suddenly he grabbed my left hand. “Darz… Did you get married?”

Fuck, I would have to tell them. Even Jane was paying attention to the conversation now. 

“Yes. We did.” I raised my left hand and showed them the ring. I heard a few gasps. Sometimes, Oli could notice this little details more than anybody else. 

“I saw the ring but I didn't think you were stupid.” Andy commented as tactful as usual. 

“I was going to the photographer at the ceremony!” Oli exclaimed disappointed. 

“You can be the photographer of many other ceremonies.”

“But this was never what you wanted.” Andy said and she was kinda right. I just ignored the comment. 

“Were you planning to tell us?” Cam asked. I contained myself not to say that she didn't have the right to ask that. 

“I wasn't. Richard and me wanted to tell you together.”

“Are you pregnant?” Oli asked. And that's how he stopped being the clever one in a matter of seconds. 

“Of course not!”


	61. Chapter 61

The first days of May all of us came back to Britain. Richard had convinced me to throw a party. We invited the two bands, our producers, Oasis, and some people more. That day we were gonna make the great announcement but Si had figured it out the day before so most of them knew it by then.

Even Oli and Juliette travelled to see the new house. I couldn't believe Sylvain was one year old already, but they had left him with his grandparents. Oli was happier because he was in charge of taking the pictures. Brian and Alexa, his girlfriend who we had met in Oxford, were there too. At first I didn't want such a big party at my home but Richard said he would handle it and it turned out pretty well. He hired a really nice catering service. However, I was afraid of the drug use there, I didn't want my furniture covered with lines of cocaine. I just hoped everyone behaved. The thing that was gonna be was loads of booze. 

It was my 26th birthday, the same age as Richard, but he would turn 27 on September 11. Not only would we celebrate my birthday, but up to then “Best Laid Plans” had sold over one million copies worldwide, “Stolen Dreams” hadn't sold half of that. 

Everything went pretty well. I chatted with Liam and after that with Noel who was in the other side of the room, away from his brother and with his wife Meg Matthews, it was nice meeting the woman who had inspired the song that everybody had been singing since October of '95. 

“The Verve is the one of the only two bands I'd pay money - that I have paid money - to go and see.” Was the last thing I heard that Noel said to some guy as I returned to chat with Andy and Harry for a while. 

I was given jewellery and expensive clothes by some people but the three best presents where: first the keyboards that Richard gave me; we didn't have keyboards at the house and I already knew how to play them but now I was starting to like this instrument more. I wanted to play it live for some songs if the band agreed. 

Second, Oliver gave an album full of pictures of us including Cam, Andy, Harry and even Richard, since we were kids to the photos we had taken our last time in Paris. On the back of every photo, it was handwritten the date and where it had been taken. 

Finally, Nick gave me “Touching From A Distance”, a book about Ian Curtis’ life, Joy Division’s singer and songwriter, his band was my second favourite, that's why during the whole party “Unknown Pleasures” was playing. I didn't like to listen to them everyday because of their very sad lyrics, I preferred the Roses more uplifting sound; however, they had taught me that music was a way to express yourself escaping from reality and that was all that mattered. I was only eight when Ian Curtis committed suicide. I'd never forgotten listening on the radio these sad news and then they played “Love Will Tear Apart”, a song that made me feel melancholic, mostly because of the lyrics. It was the same year John Lennon was murdered; 1980, a year that changed everything musically to me. I couldn't believe nobody ever noticed that Curtis suffered from depression. Anyway, thanks to Nick, I would learn more about his life and death now. I realised I was turning three years older than Ian when he died, I hoped I had influenced someone as much as he had influenced me at his short age. 

When everybody was gone and the catering service had cleaned everything I decided to have a bath. Once inside I heard that Ashcroft knocked the bathroom’s door and then getting in. He crossed his arms against his chest without saying a word. 

“Do you want to join me?”

“I was planning to. I was observing you like this, just watching you gives me pleasure.” My body was totally exposed because the bubbles hadn't completely formed. I looked at him undressing slowly. I moved forward giving him space behind me. 

“It's too hot for me.” He exclaimed when he introduced his legs into the bath. 

“Turn on the cold water. The only heat I need is the one your body provides me.” 

And that's what he did before sitting down and grabbing my shoulders so I could rest my back on his chest. Then I placed my head on his right shoulder while he wrapped me with his arms. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I could feel a soft tingling on my forehead and left ear. 

“You're hair is quite long.” I lifted my arm and caressed his wet hair. 

“Wait until Haigh Hall had happened, then you can cut it.”

“Me? Your mum is the hairdresser.” I smirked. 

“I trust you.” He took the soap and his free hand moved my hair up with a gentle grip began rubbing it across my back and neck. “I'll do my best so the tour ends up being a good experience for everyone, I know you feel uptight because of that.”

“Once we take the stage, our internal problems always disappear, I know everything will turn to be alright.”

“Happy birthday, my love.” He said holding me tightly between his arms.


	62. Chapter 62

The next couple of weeks we continued touring. They were the last dates of the European tour. In June we would stay in the UK, do some gigs more, a lot of interviews at the radio an for TV, photoshoots and parties we had to attend to obtain more publicity. Then the tour would go on in the U.S. and finally to the UK again. 

We came back around May 20. The gig in Wigan was gonna be on May 24. When it was first announced it was a complete sell out. They could have put a couple more nights on, they could have made more money; but finally they decided to do one single special night at their hometown. 

Beck had just confirmed he would support the show. It was a last minute thing. Nobody could really believe that it was gonna be his only UK date of that year. The band would also be supported by John Martyn, the guys were big fans of him, and Eumir Deodato. 

“My parents used to take me here as a child, it's a beautiful place.” He told me as we passed Haigh Hall while were in the back seat of the car that was talking us to the hotel in Manchester the day before the gig. I squeezed his hand and placed it on my lap. I knew he would have liked his father to be there with him in this really important moment of his life. He pointed through the window with his other hand. “Look. It's quite unusual because it's so close to the town. It's a magical place.”

They weren't staying in their childhood homes because Wigan was a chaos, the town wasn't that prepared for such a big event, that's why all of us stayed, in Richard’s words, “a horrible hotel”. I didn't think it was that bad, the thing is that he was already feeling a tremendous amount of pressure.

They didn't want to change the dynamic of the band just because it was a bigger show. They had got there being that live band. There didn't seem any point in changing it. The last time they had played in Wigan had been in 1992 on the Gravity Grave Tour and now they returned being this massive band. 

Nobody really could sleep that night, all of us were too excited. Finally the day had come. I met Nick’s brother, who had lit the spark of his passion for music. After that, during breakfast Pete said he had an announcement to make. He brought closer his wife to him by her waist with the most tenderness imaginable. 

“We are expecting a baby.” 

“Congratulations!” This was gonna be a day full of intense emotions. 

Later, the band directed to Haigh Hall for the a quick rehearsal and a sound check, these last things were crucial for them, they never gave a quality gig without a sound check. It was incredible to think a couple of hours this empty land was gonna be completely crowded. After lunch, Andy, Harry, Cam and Jane arrived to hotel they couldn't miss this. 

When it was time to go all the band had already headed to Haigh Hall separately, even though there was plenty of time left. The two of us were waiting outside of the hotel for a car to take us there. There wasn't anybody around the streets, all of them had gone to the gig. I perceived Richard was kinda nervous, he was walking uncontrollably from the gates of the hotel to the street. 

“You've given a lot of gigs before, you have to think this as another one.”

“I know, but I'm feeling like all those times I'd watched ‘The Stones In The Park’ and there's that tension you can feel before they go on, when they're in that caravan. It's like a déjà vu. The difference is that now I'm the responsible for making it happen.” The car arrived and before we got in I kissed his cheek. 

Once at Haigh Hall, we saw Si dealing with some people who we then found out were old schoolmates who were moaning about who were going backstage; Beck was on stage, surreal thing, the Northern Soul DJs were next to the stage. Even Boyd was there, I approached him and greeted him quite reluctantly. 

“Well, it's your time now.” I grabbed his face with both of my hands. “Don't let stupid things upset you. I'll be watching you. I love you.”

“I love you.” He kissed me and I let him prepare with the rest of the band. I went to one of the tents backstage where I stayed with his family, who we had spent part of the afternoon with and told them the big news who had pretended to take it well. For a few minutes and then went with Andy and Harry. 

After a while we were told the The Verve was about to go on stage. All of us stood on stage too but where we couldn't be seen by the audience. Si was the first to appear as everybody shouted and he grabbed his yellow bass, the one he always used; then, the rest of the band took their respective places and started playing “This Is Music”. With exception of Knebworth, I had never seen so many people together enjoying themselves, not also were they from Wigan, but also from all over England and even Europe. “Space And Time” was next and after a while they played “Sonnet”, and I thought that they had never played it better, all of them seemed more comfortable now. Just in the middle of “The Drugs Don't Work” I witnessed the most perfect transition between day and night. I also thought he looked stunning in that black shirt. 

“This is a song about a lucky man. Dedicated to my wife, Darz.” I couldn't help but smile as I had never before. I loved this man. Andy put her hand on my shoulder and shook me smirking too. 

Everybody wanted to be there. At one point, loads of lads burst through and all of them fell into one of the tents backstage. Thankfully, nobody ended up really hurt. 

It was being transmitted by the BBC, so they were told not to swear or smoke. Of course, Richard smoked during “Life's An Ocean”, sometimes he was a bit of a twat. 

“This is a song…” Ashcroft began. “That some say it's been stolen.” The crowd started to cheer because they already knew what song it was. “This is a song for the people, this is a modern day blues song, this is ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’!”

That was the most expected song really. 

“Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony that's life.” It was impressive listening to that crowd singing along with Richard that first line, even us were singing. That's when I truly understood the title of the album. When Richard had first said how it was gonna be called everyone thought it was sorta pretentious. However, songs like this one, “The Drugs Don't Work”, “Sonnet” and “Lucky Man” had became real urban hymns that would last and be heard by forthcoming generations. 

After that, they took a short break. 

“What do you think so far?” He brought me closer to him. 

“Everything is perfectly splendid. My favorite was ‘Velvet Morning’. But you had to take your shoes off, didn't you?” He gave me a mischievous grin. 

“Time to come back!” Their manager shouted. 

“Go. Listen how they're cheering and shouting, it's incredible.” He lighted another cigarette, gave a quick peck in my left hand and he walked backwards giving a drag until he released my hand. 

When they came back for the encore, he took his shoes off again but this time he kicked one of them with his other foot and it elevated and finally fell to the floor. He knew I was watching him, but anyway as I shook my head I smiled because it was somehow funny. 

The last three songs were “One Day”, “History” a very emotional version I must say, and “Come On” because they wanted to end it with a song that could move people forward, and it surely did.


	63. Chapter 63

“I stood on the stage and looked at the hills around me… I could see the Billinge Hospital in the distance, where I was born. It was really surreal.” Richard told me that night when we were back at the hotel. When I heard that, my heart warmed, he was the only one who could provoke that in me. His words made me remember to one of the first lines of “This Is Music”: “Stood at the top of the hill over my town I was found.”

That surreal emotions might have been when Liam and Noel played Maine Road in Manchester in April, ‘96. I hoped we did something like that in Leeds. 

Every member of the band, the crew and the management couldn't stop talking about it for days. Si said repeatedly times that it had been the best day of his life. Many of them compared it to Spike Island back in ‘90. I hadn't been able to go to the Roses most important gig because I didn't have enough money for the ticket or someone to take me there. However, it had been a cultural event, a lot of people said that it wasn't their best performance but it had been certainly a great gathering of the people; Richard, Si, Liam, Noel and Brian had been there, it was amazing how far these bands had achieved so much inspired by them. 

“Whatever level you play your hometown at, whether it's a pub or a stadium it brings another dimension to it. It's like a wedding or something. It's a bit like Roy Keane used to say about Manchester United…” Richard said once when he was interviewed after the gig, comparing everything to Man United as usual. 

\------------  
On June 1, they traveled to the Netherlands. Then, they were gonna give two gigs in France and finally other two in Germany. I would have joined them but I had things to do with the band and they would come back within a week. 

“It's time.” I told Richard the day before he left, he was sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper. He put it down and looked at me with confusion. “Your hair is quite long and you told me you'd cut it after Haigh Hall.”

I took him to the bathroom, covered his shoulders with a towel and took the scissors after having sprayed his hair with water and combed it. I had cut my brother’s hair a fer times but anyway I was quite afraid that it ended up wrong, but however I thought it was decent when I finished. 

When they left I didn't have much time to think about it. The next day I travelled to London, stayed in a hotel because I didn't want to invade Andy’s house or ask Cam for anything. Besides, I had plenty of money to spend. 

“I know the single and the album have been a truly success. It lead you to be, I'd say one of the three biggest bands in the country or the world. But everybody noticed certain tension in the band. Do you think you'll split up any day soon or whenever?” I was giving an interview NME had asked me to do alone. 

“Yeah, it's true that we had had our differences and a rather severe difficulty when making decisions regarding the band because of personal problems we had with each other. It's not that hard to figure out why considering the scandal that preceded the launch of ‘Best Laid Plans’. However, I believe, or I wanna believe that some of these wounds have healed now. I don't think we will split up for now… But, in the end every band split up, with exception of The Rolling Stones, of course. You can't do this forever, it's something that has to end at some point. If many of our fans read to this later, don't worry, we won't split up anytime soon. There's so much more that I want to achieve with this band and I don't have any intentions of letting our fans down.”

“If that happens, would you become a solo artist?”

“Going solo had never crossed my mind. I started this with my friends, I'd feel like I'm betraying them, no matter how mad I am.”

“Finally, we heard that Ashcroft referred to you as his wife during the Haigh Hall gig. Then, trustworthy sources confirmed it.” I didn't want to know what these sources were. “It was rather unexpected but all the NME team wanted to congratulate you two. Good luck in your tour around America with them.”

“Thank you so much.” And I was finally free to go. I hoped they didn't change everything I had said, but at this point I couldn't care less. Every time I was even more sick of interviews, they asked the same things all over again. In the beginning they were fun because the whole band would participate, but now we were asked separately. 

On the other hand, the photoshoot were endless. First, they took millions of pictures of all of us, and then other million of each of us. It's incredible how fast the charm of fame fades away.


	64. Chapter 64

June passed really fast as well as July. Neither of the two bands had much time to relax. We were preparing the last details of tour. There wasn't one day without some kind of interview, event or paparazzis following us everywhere. During this time Richard and me were asked to do an interview together. We weren't going to discuss our private lives with the press and this certainly wasn't an interview about how we made music. Anyway, we rejected it. 

The last days of June we released “I've Heard What They Say”, the third single of the album and it went straight to #1, our first #1. We appeared in Top Of The Pops when it happened, they obviously made us playback the song, something we didn't like so from time to time I sang without placing the microphone near my mouth.

It was weird but that night each of us celebrated this new success by our own. Brian went out with their old band mates and his girlfriend, Andy’s parents had come to town so she spent the time with them and Harry and finally Cam must have stayed with Jane. Diana had called me when she found out, she was very disappointed and she called quite often, but I didn't want to tell her that I didn't spend time with her daughter. 

Richard and me went to a pub. Suddenly we saw someone dressed in a white shirt approaching us. I cheered when I realized that it was Noel. He was alone, no Liam, no Meg. Last time we had seen him for my birthday we didn't have much time to talk to him, so he told us about their first tour to South America that previous March. We told him about Haigh Hall and our new single. Noel was always really good company, so we spent that night, drinking and laughing with him. 

Days later we played at Glastonbury, Oli’s birthday, so I greeted him live. I was one of the best gigs we've ever played. We were on fire that night. I never listened to better guitar solo than Cam’s that night. The crowd really knew all the songs. We left everything in that stage. Two weeks later it was Cam’s birthday too, and for the first time in many years I didn't spend it with her. 

The following week they were announced more dates around the UK once we had come back from tour around America and Canada. 

Finally the time arrived and we got on a plane directly to Chicago. My brother there so I made time to visit him, Richard joined me. We had arranged to meet at a fancy café. 

“He's just a little late.” Richard said after noticing that I was glancing every two minutes to my watch. “Nothing serious must have happened.”

“He's twenty minutes late. Sorry, could I make a phone call?” I asked as a waiter walked next to me. 

“Of course. Come with me please.” He said with a little smile. 

“He was asleep, he said he's coming.” I told Richard when I came back. “Fucking Trevor. He knew I arrived today.”

After another fifteen minutes Trevor got into the café. He was visibly drunk, he couldn't walk straight. I got up when I saw him and Ashcroft did the same thing. 

“Darcie.” He said as he gave me a kiss on the cheek. He smelled like vodka and cheep booze. 

“Trevor.” The three of us sat down. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence I spoke again. “What happened to you?”

“I had just got fired. We can then talk about it, first introduce me to this guy.” He said pointing at Richard. In that moment he stopped a waitress, Richard me had already ordered. “I'll have a coffee and a donut.”

“When I talked to you on the phone last week, and we arranged to meet here, I told you I was coming with my husband.” I said when the waitress left. 

“You got married?” He was seriously shocked. “I thought you were going out with that little bastard that always followed you everywhere, Oliver.”

I wanted to kill him in that moment but he went on talking. I hated when people talked shit about Oli, he followed me everywhere as much as I followed him. 

“What's your name?” He asked Richard. 

“I'm Richard Ashcroft. Nice to meet you Trevor.” And they shook hands. 

“And what do you do?”

“I'm in a band, it's called The Verve, we're not that popular around here but in England things are going very well, the same with Space Sirens.”

Listening to Richard talk about that made me forget a little about what Trevor had said so I ask him: “Sorry to interrupt, but why were you fired?”

“They said I'm unprofessional.” He took a sip of his coffee. He used to work in an office, pretty much as a secretary. 

“You must have done something for them to say that.”

“A little bit of these and that… Look, I could really use that you gave me some money.”

“You are a wanker. I won't give you one penny.” I said with all the anger in the world. 

“And there she goes, my helpful little sister as usual.” You are fucking loaded!” He threw the little spoon on the white porcelain plate. 

“You listened well to that part, didn't you? You talking to me about being helpful when you left me when I needed you the most. I'm tired of trying to make things better with you. I'm off.” Richard took his wallet off. “I'll pay.”

I stood up violently as I noticed that everyone observed us. I put the money on the table and looked him straight in the eyes. 

“I almost forget it.” I opened my bag. “Two VIP tickets, that you asked me. I don't care if you go tonight. Just don't get near me, my husband or my band. I'll get you kicked out by security otherwise.”

I threw the two tickets to his face before heading to the door with a remarkable speed. Richard and me took a cab back to the hotel. He didn't say anything but just hold my hands between his as I thought. I thought about Trevor, and for the second time without considering the day that had happened, I was glad I had married the way it did. I wouldn't like a wedding without my parents, and I would have had invited my fucking brother who always reminded me somehow the worst day of my life.


	65. Chapter 65

I never knew if Trevor went to the gig or not. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want nothing to do with him anymore. In spite of that incident, I wasn't gonna let it ruin the rest of the tour. It was like nothing had happened. 

We travelled around the country in two buses, one for each band. The first couple of days, I spent it in our bus; Harry was on holidays so he would join us in this part of the tour, but not even his wit made the trips enjoyable, Jane was there too and I wasn't comfortable around her. That's why I went most of the time in the guy’s bus. I noticed that Andy wasn't too happy about it, however I did not care. 

The gigs were a tremendous success. All the people knew and sang our songs as well as The Verve’s ones. I thought that in Canada they would be a bit more cold but they received us with cheers and huge smiles. 

“You're by the middle.” Nick said. We were in their bus. I was reading ‘Touching From A Distance’, the book he had given me. Richard had fallen asleep next to me breathing deeply, he never really slept well at night. Everybody else seemed to be doing their own stuff. 

“Yeah. But in fact, it's the second time that I read it.” Nick nodded comprehensive. 

“It must be good.”

“It really is, I don't recall if I thanked you properly.”

“Yeah, you did.” He said smirking. “Like four times before playing in your record machine ‘Unknown Pleasures’.”

“Ian reminds me a little of Richard, you know?” I commented a few seconds after having laughed softly. “Writing tunes to escape from reality… to try to handle depression. I know that Ian’s case was much severe if it led to suicide, besides he suffered from epilepsy. But, basically is what Richard does.”

“Did he told you about what happened during the tour in the U.S. in ‘94?” Nick asked me with a expression of concern. 

“Briefly.”

“I think I never told him, but he really worried me. We went off the rails, displaying cliché rock. Our first Lollapalooza tour experience included drugs, drinking and trashing hotel rooms. I must have been too high to notice it, but the next thing I knew was that Rich was in hospital due to dehydration. I think that all of that contributed to the band’s break up, and I assume part of the responsibility.”

I felt that Ashcroft was moving slowly against my right arm. Then his dark eyelashes raised and I saw his sleepy blue eyes. 

“Are you two talking about the American tour of 1994?” He asked with his voice a little raspy after the nap he had taken. 

“Yeah, Pete ended up in a Kansas jail cell for trashing a hotel room. D’ya remember?”

“Not a lot. I remember being laid in that hospital bed… America nearly killed us.”

\-------------  
A couple of hours before the show in Hamilton we were in the hotel preparing everything. I was in the bathroom of the room I shared with Richard brushing my wet hair. Suddenly he came into the bathroom as well, he had already showered too. He was holding a razor, I really enjoyed watching him shave. He was only wearing his jeans, so I contemplated his chest covered with some drops for a few seconds. 

“Then you can lend me Ian Curtis’ book. I wrote ‘A Song For The Lovers’ once I was in a hotel room listening to the radio of the bedhead and ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ came up.” He said making me look at his eyes. 

“Oh, I didn't know that Joy Division had inspired you. You can read it whenever you want, I don't mind. Did you know his wife wrote it? When you die I can write a book about you.” I joked 

“Or I can write one about you. But Ian cheated on her.” He did but it seems she still loved him and was willing to be with him despite him being unfaithful. We spent a moment without talking. “It's good that you've found something to talk about with Nick.”

He grabbed the razor because he had left it next to the sink and gazed to his cheeks in the reflection of the mirror. 

“Yeah.” I didn't want to talk about Nick in that moment. I extended my hand towards him. “Can I do it?”

“Shave me?” He asked confused. I nodded approaching him. He handed me the razor looking me in the eyes. After that he placed both of his hands on my hips and lifted me until I was sitting on the counter. I appreciated he had done that because he was like eight inches taller than me and considering that plus of my farsightedness, I would have hurt him. 

I put the shaving foam that was next to me on my hand. Before I spread it on his cheeks and chin, I got closer to him, pressed gently my jaw to his feeling its roughness. 

“Aren't you afraid?” I whispered in his ear. This made me remember when I cut his hair. 

“Just a little.”

I went back a few inches and I started spreading the foam with my two hands. Then, I grabbed the razor and glided it delicately on his right cheek. After that, I felt his hands moving near my stomach; he held for a moment the end of the belt attached to the white bathrobe I was wearing and he undid it. I slid the razor again across his cheek making an immense effort in order not to look him in the eyes, I needed to see what he was planning to do but I didn't want to cut him. 

Richard separated the only two pieces of cloth that covered my torso and gently slid his hands until he was cupping my breasts. Above of one of my ribs I felt the cold metal of his golden ring. 

“I think you want to end up wounded.”

“It would be worth it, innit?”

I continued shaving him at the same time as he pushed the bathrobe behind my back and then tangling his fingers with the short hairs of my nape. When I passed the razor below his full lips he found his way to my legs and separated them placing himself between them. 

“You're distracting me.” He didn't give any reply and traced lines from my ribs to my hips with the tips of his fingers. 

I shaked the razor against the sink to take the foam away and looked him in the eyes deeply, he was observing my naked body with amusement. I was trying to shave his right cheek but it was too difficult knowing he was gawking me like that. After a few seconds, I felt his hand moving slowly towards my thighs. He carefully slipped his index finger inside me, then he stretched me with two fingers curling upwards while rubbing small circles on my clit. I gasped loudly arching my back. I couldn't keep on shaving him anymore, so I threw the razor to my right and kissed him, I didn't care about the little foam left on his face. I grabbed his belt, undid it and then unzipped his jeans pulling them down along with his boxers until they were on the floor. After that, he was able to take my bathrobe off completely. He broke our kiss and removed his fingers making me wanting more. 

“Before I'm inside you,” Richard said caressing my cheekbones as he removed the little circles of foam of my face, his face was almost clear too. “I want you to look to the mirror and don't take your eyes away from it.”

I only nodded because I couldn't talk from just imagining the hot sexual encounter that was gonna happen next. The huge mirror of the bathroom consisted in three parts; one behind me, the other on my left and the last one on my right where both of us directed our gazes to. 

I had never seen myself like that during sex, practically I could see my whole body reflected in the mirror and half of his. He leaned a little until he reached to my breasts and planted a kiss between them. He took one of my nipples in his mouth as he slid his hands down my spine. While I was watching all of this in the reflection of the mirror I buried my fingers in his hair pushing him in direction to my chest. I could already feel a his hardness between my legs. 

“Please.” I whispered almost begging, I needed more. After that, he didn't take long to slowly thrust inside my very wet cleft. I rounded his waist with my legs without looking away from the mirror. As I moaned, I heard him breathing raggedly. Watching both of us moving rhythmically, him pushing into me again and again was a whole new experience, it was highly erotic. I was rather small compared to him. I glared meticulously his body, especially his wide back which muscles I didn't often see contracting like that from that angle. Then, I found his blue eyes, my favorite feature about him, they showed a passionate expression, similar to that when he played on stage with the difference that I also perceived devotion during these intimate moments and other feeling I couldn't completely work out. 

“I need to see you coming reflected in the mirror.” He pleaded that turning his head to my right ear, he knew how much that turned me on. He increased the peace of his thrust. I could have done anything he wanted in that moment, so both of us stared to the mirror again. 

“Richard!” I cried a few seconds later I felt my walls tightening around him. He groaned loudly as he saw the reflection of that moment. My whole body shuddered and consecutively he followed me to this estate of pure ecstasy. My hands were still tangled in his hair. 

He waited for some moments to put me down because my legs wouldn't have supported me after that intense orgasm. Before getting dressed I kissed him fiercely.


	66. Chapter 66

“How old are you? Thirteen?” Si asked Richard smiling and pointing to his right cheek when we were about to go to the venue where the gig was gonna be held. 

“Fuck off.” Ashcroft replied him grinning. He was smoking. I hadn't noticed he had a little reddish scar, my mind had been quite blurry before, I had warned him. He realized I was staring at him so he got closer to me and muttered: “Don't worry, it reminds me of what happened later…”

Richard smelled like aftershave lotion and cigarettes. He had had to shave again properly after that. He kissed me and as the kiss was becoming more heated I stopped it because Nick, Harry and Andy were approaching us; I wasn't keen to public displays of affection like this. 

“Go back to your room!” Andy joked, if we hadn't been in a hotel already it would have been slightly different. 

We were having great success during the gigs, not as much as in England, but great nonetheless. That was making Cam furious and I knew it without even talking to her. We might have had this popularity on our own without sharing the tour with The Verve. I won't lie and say I wasn't happy traveling along my husband and I always thought that without the “Bitter Sweet Symphony” thing, nobody would have ever heard of us in America; that incident had resonated more than the Cam scandal in this country. Of course, there were still people who believed what some crappy magazines said about Richard writing our tunes and us stealing from them, but as long we had attention of the press and the albums selling millions of copies every month, I didn't give a fuck; less than ever now after we had announced two huge gigs in November back in England. 

Just before the gig started I helped Richard with some instruments because he was kinda obsessive when it came to that, everything had to sound perfectly. However, I always got quite bored when he did that, he never said anything but I knew he redid some things in his own way when I left, so I preferred to leave him alone. 

“Hey.” I heard when I was about to get into the dressing room. It was Jane who was behind me, she was alone. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Yeah, what do you want?”

“Where do I start…? Do you have any troubles with me? I'd really appreciate that you treated Cam better and if she's one of your best friends as you've always said she is you'd do it. I can't believe the band is gonna to split up just because you can't accept our relationship.”

She was truly a bitch, I didn't know how Cam could stand her. 

“And now you care about the future or the fucking band. After all the lies you've told.”

“You know I did that to survive in this industry, but I'm in love with Cam now and… “

“Do you really think all these problems concerning the band are about you? Perhaps you've been who started them, but I don't give a fuck about your relationship with Cam. Why should I? Don't you ever again try to tell me what decisions to make about my band, that's none of your business. The fact that your fucking band has disbanded because you're a cheating whore, doesn't mean that's the case with mine. So, get to fuck.” I pointed at her with my index finger. I could perceive that she was a little shocked by my words. 

“The sooner you realize it's not your band, it'll be better; you selfish cunt.” She said when she was already behind me. I didn't want to keep going with this and I left as fast as I could. However, I couldn't believe she was talking to me about being selfish. 

The problem within the band wasn't her. We weren't the same people who had formed the band. Different little issues made us drift apart, I felt that even with Andy. Each of us had our own groups of friends now, we were like coworkers only. If I was looking for a friend, I knew I would always have Oliver. Anyway, that didn't mean we couldn't work together and please our fans with gigs and new music. That had hurt me, but that's life. 

I ended up walking to the car park outside the club. There were some people of the crew talking but none of them really noticed me. 

“You seem upset.” I recognised Nick’s voice. He was having an smoke before the show. 

“Because I am.” I crossed my arms. 

“May I ask what happened?” He asked after a few seconds. 

“Summarising, Jane is a bitch.”

“I've always thought the same. She's a twat. Whatever she said, don't listen to her.” I was about to comment but somebody called me. 

“Darz?” Our backs were facing the door so we turned around to find an agitated Richard. “You have to be on stage in five minutes, I told Scott I was gonna go and see where were you.”

“Ok, thanks for tell me, love.” I gave him a quick peck on the neck because I couldn't reach to his face and left him and Nick behind me. 

When I was a few steps away from the stage I saw that Cam was talking to Alex and I approached. 

“Next time that you wanna tell me something, please have the balls to tell me yourself and don't send your fucking girlfriend.” She frowned and while shaking her head looked at me a deep expression of deep confusion. 

Before she could say something, I walked towards the audience, put my best smile and greeted them as they cheered and shouted while the rest of the band joined me.


	67. Chapter 67

After the gigs in Canada, we returned to the U.S.. Now we were directing to Boston. 

“What were you and Nick talking about the other day?” Richard asked me while we were on the bus, we had been talking about everything that occurred in Hamilton. 

“He happened to be there after Jane came up to me.”

“Oh… Have you spoken to Cam after that.”

“Yeah, just before the gig. But it didn't go well either.”

That night during the show apart from Cam hate gazes towards me, it didn't happen nothing else. The following day we arrived to New York. Richard and me went for a walk around Central Park, stayed for a few minutes Strawberry Fields section, John Lennon’s memorial. 

A few hours later, moments before the show while I was chatting with Pete and his wife backstage about the pregnancy and sipping my champagne, someone knocked the door. I didn't give much of a thought at first, I was there with The Verve, their roadies and their tour manager so I figured that it was someone of my band. 

After that, I looked out of the corner of my eye that Nick was hugging this person and Richard had standed quickly too to greet him with surprise. Suddenly, I realized that I was in front of Ian Brown. This guy was one of my heroes. 

“Ian, this is my wife, Darcie.” Richard who had already met him in a previous occasion introduced us. 

“Nice to meet you, Darcie. I understand that you have a band as well.” He spoke with his marked Mancunian accent. 

“The pleasure is all mine. The Stone Roses is my favorite band, you've inspired me and not only me, a lot.” I passed the glass of champagne to my left hand and I shook his hand. After that, I hugged him, I couldn't let that opportunity fade away. 

They had split up in 1996, but in my well paid opinion, after 1990 the band hadn't been the same. When “Second Coming” was released in 1994, five long years after the best album ever written, “The Stone Roses”, it didn't fulfill anyone’s expectations, Britpop was already developing and people wanted to listen to bands like Blur or Oasis then. Due to John Squire’s departure they had to leave the band behind. That's why, Ian was a solo artist now, I had listened to a few of his songs but I believed he could do it better. 

“That's mega. When I was invited the other day, I didn't doubt in coming, I was gonna be in New York anyway. There's nothing like Northern bands.”

Then, I talked to Ian for a few minutes. I told him that I had seen Squire at Knebworth, he laughed when he found out that I owned his bongos now, he said he had some gigs to give when he came back to Britain… Later, I asked him to sign me an small paper that I would place next to the bongos and in front of the album, I didn't care if I was making a fool of myself; then he took a photo with me, Richard and Nick, and finally he stayed for the gig. 

Before I stepped into the stage, I told Andy to go and meet him too, she couldn't miss this. I knew she would tell Cam too, they also were his fans. Knowing that Ian Brown was listening to us play was really surreal when I had spent most of my teenage years hoping to see him live someday. After our set, The Verve took the stage and I stayed with Ian. We watched them performing for a while, Richard was singing grabbing the mic with his left hand, something that had always seemed odd to me as he wrote with his right hand. 

“This year and the last they overcame even Oasis.” He commented while they were playing “Lord I Guess I'll Never Know” almost in the end. “And now you've become rock’s true giants too.”

“Yeah, because all of our effort… You said you were invited to come. Who invited you?”

“McCabe called me. He knew I was gonna be around by this time of the year. He said he wanted me to meet you.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah.”

\-----------  
“Did you like him?” Richard asked me back at the hotel after the after party. 

“He's very cool. I wonder how many drugs he did before meeting us. I know now where Liam took all his swagger from.” Liam spoke and acted just like Ian, I had watched many interviews but when I saw him that day I figured that out. 

“Haha, yeah. Liam loves the guy.”

“Did you know he was coming over?”

“Not really, it was Nick’s thing.”

“Yeah well. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. The excitement of meeting him and the gig left me pretty shaken.”

Richard smirked separating the sheets of the bed. I knew he difficulty to fall asleep most nights. 

“Sometimes when I can't sleep I think about you. I've got you on my mind in my sleep. That's how I relax and then rest.”


	68. Chapter 68

The second night in New York it was a little bit more difficult. There was a quite heated argument between Richard and Nick. Nick wanted to play “The Rolling People”, that song contained the most fantastic guitar solo of their three albums; that's why Nick wanted to perform it live more often instead of ballads like “On Your Own”. Besides it was one of the four songs Richard hadn't written himself but the whole band. 

“The setlists are already planned like this. We don't have time to rehearse the song for tonight.” Richard explained his view. 

“But we've played it before plenty of times.” Si was on Nick’s side this time. The other two would do what they were told, they didn't want to be part of this argument, so like me they watched them discuss. 

“I don't like to change things in the middle of the tour.”

“The only thing you have to do is stand in the middle of the stage and sing.” Nick was getting mad. “You don't even have to do the most difficult part! If we are saying that we'll do it right, is because we know we will.”

“You can't know you'll do it right…”

I thought that both sides were kinda right, but if they wanted to perform a song like that, they had to do it appropriately. However, this wasn't the place for me to say anything so I left and the last thing I heard was Nick shouting “It's not everything about you, fucking wanker!”

As I was getting away from them, I saw Andy walking with her drumsticks. Harry was coming behind her. 

“Hey.”

“Darz! There's something we need to tell you. We haven't told Cam yet. 

“Where's Richard?” Harry wanted to know. 

“He's with the band and doesn't seem he'll be free soon.”

“Ok, I need to say it. Then you can tell him.” Andy was very excited. I was already seeing where this announcement was going. “We're getting married! But properly, not like you. Look!” 

She extended her hand showing me her diamond ring. 

“Fucking hell. I can't say I'm surprised, it was high time. I'm so happy for you two! Come and hug me.” I rounded both of their necks pulling them closer to me. 

“What's the occasion?” I heard Cam’s voice asking. She was alone. 

“We're getting married!”

“Who proposed who?” Cam asked making laugh after a long time. 

“If he hadn't proposed with a ring and kneeled down, I wouldn't be marrying him. Oh, and you two will be the bridesmaids; besides my sisters, obviously.”

“That would be such an honour.” Cam said and hugged her too. 

“And who will be your best man, Harry?” I was curious about it. 

“I was thinking about Oliver.”

“Oh, that's so sweet! He'll be pleased, I know it.” I couldn't believe that when they first met, they didn't like each other. 

Later on, Andy told us that Harry proposed on the top of the Empire State Building when there was almost nobody left. I couldn't help to compare it to “Sleepless In Seattle”. 

“I have some news.” I said when we got on stage and were about to play our most popular song, the one everybody wanted to listen to. The crowd cheered and shouted. “Andy here is getting married with the love of her life. Harry, could you please come here?”

I saw to the right side of the stage and there he was smiling nervously as he shaked his head. I turned around and saw Andy looking at me with a “What the fuck are you doing?” expression on her face. I would have hated if someone did this to me, but love had to be celebrated. I kept making hand signals but Harry wouldn't move. 

“Everyone, call Harry!” I asked the crowd and a few seconds later thousands of people were shouting his name so he had no other choice to appear in front of them. 

He walked directly to Andy, who had already stood up, grabbed her by the waist, approached his face to her’s and kissed her after having lifting her and continued doing so as he made her spin in the air. And how he came, he left of the stage, but not before whispering in her ear that he loved her. 

“Anyway, here's ‘Heating Sun.’” I had to wait a few moments before I could introduce the song because everyone had been shocked with that kiss and couldn't stop screaming. After that, they continued yelling but more fiercely, something that I loved to hear. 

Then, The Verve got on stage. I was paying attention to the songs they were performing. In the setlist, I had seen that “The Rolling People” wasn't included, but they could play it anyway. When they started playing “Bitter Sweet Symphony” I knew that it had turned out to be in Richard's way as they usually closed the shows with that song. I saw Nick’s face first, he was mad; on the contrary, Richard didn't show any emotions. Things were getting strained again between them.


	69. Chapter 69

Before getting in the guy’s bus I saw Cam holding hands with Jane and helping her walking up the stairs. To be honest, they looked quite cute together, and the way they looked at each other was similar to Harry and Andy did. 

“Look what Jaz gave me.” Tong said holding a box once we were on the bus; Jaz Summers was their manager. 

Richard and me were the only ones who paid attention to him. I didn't know where Pete was, Si was sleeping and Nick was ignoring everyone. Tongy opened the box and it was full of tapes and photos. 

“Oh, this is amazing.” I commented while I took one photo in which there was an smiley Richard next to Nick, Liam and Noel. It might have been during the European tour in 1994 when Oasis used to support The Verve. It was incredible where these bands had got now. And both of them had connected and became friends because they came from the same background. 

“I'll see if I can play these tapes here.” Tongy said pointing at the little TV behind him. 

“Oh no. I've never seen this one.” I told Richard, it was a photo of the whole band in a brothel with prostitutes. 

I had seen the ‘Slide Away’ video clip and I knew they had filmed it with prostitutes. Despite the video, “Slide Away” was my favourite song from “A Storm In Heaven”. 

“Nothing happened… At least with me. I only filmed the video with them.” Richard said. I really believed him, during that time he was dating his college sweetheart. 

“I'm more worried about everyone's hair than the prostitutes. Your hair is longer than mine here.” 

Before Richard could reply, the 1993 version of himself appeared in the small screen. They were performing “Blue”... Oh, The Verve's psychedelic years. Honestly, I never really liked their first album; I liked a few psychedelic-rock songs but I really preferred alternative-rock like “A Northern Soul”, their second album and when they changed their style a little. 

“What made you dress like that?!” I teased Richard and Tong laughed too.

He used to wear tight T-shirts with long sleeves as well as tight jeans and obviously no shoes, besides of his long hair. I gaze at him, he was smirking while shaking his head. I preferred how he dressed now: shirts and more loose jeans; leather jackets or parkas. I was glad he got his hair cut in 1994.

“Play some video in which you appear. Or something you filmed.” I told Tongy, as he had been asked to join the band in 1996. So Richard appeared in the screen again, this video was much more recent. “This is from our the tour in the U.S. last year.”

In the video, Richard was eating mint balls from Wigan and seemed pretty excited about it. Then, there was another clip of them playing “Space And Time”, their performance at Glastonbury in 1995, a performance of “Grey Skies” in Frankfurt, other videos from the time they were still called Verve, the making of the “Lucky Man” and “The Drugs Don't Work” videos, another of them trying to get to a rehearsal in Pete’s car, all of them rehearsing “This Time”, the recording of “Country Song” that hadn't made it to the album… I had watched most of these videos, but they were fantastic.

Then, there was that acoustic set Richard and Nick had performed for MTV, separately they were amazing musicians; however, together they created something that couldn't be compared to anything really, they were too good. I turned around, and saw that Nick was watching too. Finally, there were clips of the Haigh Hall concert, an event that wouldn't be repeated. 

\------------  
Some moments later on the road we got off the bus and were told that we were staying for a couple hours in a gas station. 

Firstly, we just wandered around in the clothes section. Si and Tong were visibly high, something funny to watch because they were trying on clothes too big for them and laughing exaggeratedly. 

When I got bored of looking at those two I announced I was hungry and surprisingly everyone was hungry too, even Jane; so, we went to the café and ordered some food. In our table we were just four: Richard and me, Nick and Derek. The only two who spoke during the meal was Derek and me. Then, Richard lighted a cigarette and announced he was going to the toilets; Derek had already finished and now he was in Andy’s table. 

“So, you invited Ian Brown in order to meet me.” I commented to Nick. 

“Yeah, well… He told me how to contact him last year and I know that the Roses is your favorite band. I thought it was a good idea after the Jane thing.”

“I loved meeting him, I appreciate you did that.” He didn't say anything, just nodded once. None of us spoke for a few seconds. “Regarding that you wanted to play ‘The Rolling People’, I think you were kinda right too.”

Suddenly, Richard came back, he wasn't smoking anymore. I didn't want to be in the middle of this so I shutted up and didn't wait for Nick’s response as I went with Andy leaving them behind, hoping them to make up, even though I knew they wouldn't. 

Andy, Harry and me went to the gift shop with Tong and Si who were still very high. There was a Christmas tree that spoke and I was looking to it when Andy called me. 

“Darz! Look at this, your favorite song!” She was grabbing a toy monkey that sang and danced ‘Macarena’. 

I hated that fucking song with all my soul and that horrible dance too. I couldn't believe it had reached to #2 in the UK singles chart in 1995, besides everybody seemed to love it. 

“Turn that off. When we come back to the bus I'll need to purify my ears with real music.” I hadn't noticed Cam was there too, she took the monkey and started laughing. Then, we started laughing together, these were the moments I cherish the most.

After that, I found Richard playing with a gaming machine just like a child. I thought he looked cute with his hands placed on the steering wheel.

I went to the toilets because I didn't know when we were gonna stop again, but when came back to where the gaming machines were I saw that Richard, Nick and Si were talking and it wasn't very friendly escene. Seconds later, when Richard saw me, he approached me leaving them with expressions of disbelief. I wasn't gonna ask him, I prefer he told me; but instead he asked me a question while we were walking towards the bus. 

“So you thought Nick was right about changing the setlist?”

“Why are you asking me this? Was that all about it? Nick told you that?”

“He didn't have to. I heard you.”

“I never said anything. I always thought both of you were right in your own way. I can't believe all that of us are having an argument about some fucking setlists.”

“It's not all about it! Can't you see? He's questioning my ability as a leader again and turning the others against me. Without my songs he wouldn't be where he is now!”

“Love,” I spoke after some seconds when we finally arrived next to the bus. “I don't want to be involved in this. I can't tell you my opinions about this because I don't wanna be the woman whose influence under one member of the band made them split up. I…”

“Yeah…” He sighed interrupting me. “I understand. I'm sorry.”

He knew he could tell me whatever he desired about his life, but I didn't want to be blamed when things went wrong and I did certainly not want to separate a group of friends that had formed years before I appeared in the picture. 

“It's time to go!” Scott shouted and we got onto the bus again. I heard a strange noise coming from my bunk bed. 

“Macarena?” Richard asked behind me. 

“Oh, fucking hell.” I couldn't help to laugh when I saw the white monkey with the striped top moving its head and singing. “They bought this shit to annoy me.”


	70. Chapter 70

“How are you doing?” I asked Nick while we were waiting in the lobby of the hotel in Denver for the others to come so all of us could go to the gig. 

“I'm fine. I just don't like… You know what? I never thanked you for having convinced Richard to call me so I could be part of the band again. He told me.”

“Oh… Well, I have always believed -or at least I did believe- that a friendship was stronger than any argument. Anyway, I'm not the right person to say it since I don't follow my own advice.”

“That doesn't matter. I wouldn't have been part of ‘Urban Hymns’, wouldn't have played in Haigh Hall…” His expression changed to a heart-broken one. “Right by the time I left the band my girlfriend dumped me. Yeah, ‘95 wasn't a very good year for me. But then, I joined the band again and everything was fine thanks to you.”

“Oh, Nick.” I hugged him. I didn't know about his girlfriend. “I consider you a close friend now, I'm glad you came back.”

“I'm happy you're my friend too, even though Richard and me have our differences.” He said as we separated. 

“I have never forgotten about Pepper.” I could forget a face but never a name. “How is he?”

I saw Richard approaching us with Harry, they might have came across in the corridor as we had consecutive rooms. 

“When I'm on tour he's with my mother. So when we return I know he'll be fat.”

“Haha, I suppose you named him Pepper after ‘Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band’.”

“Yeah, it's my favorite album ever, I love The Beatles. And well, I called him like that because his hair is black.”

“Ready to go?” Richard placed his hand on my lower back and kissed me. 

“Let's go.” Nick had already went to the car so we followed him. 

\------------  
“So, what were you talking about with Nick earlier?” Richard wanted to know. We were in the hotel room, we had just came back from the after party. 

“I'm fucking sick of this question.” I hated when people asked me things multiple times, I could stand it twice but four times was too much and he knew it. “If you want to know something, ask me directly.”

He only stood there, next to the other side of the bed. 

“Well?”

“What do you want me to say, uh? That I don't like that you go and hug fucking Nick like that?!”

“Fuck, this is all about that? You're jealous? I can't believe it.”

“I don't know when all of this started but it's been a while that you've been getting closer to him.”

“We're just friends!” At this point I was screaming due to the nonsense. “If I had wanted to cheat on you, it would have been back in England when you weren't there with someone you didn't know! I wouldn't be that evident!”

I walked to the other side of the bed where he was. 

“I never said you cheated on me!” He pointed to his chest. “But, the way he talks to you, the way his eyes follow you when you leave a room, that's not in my head!”

“So, basically you want me not to talk to him anymore? And, by the way I could stop talking to Oliver, Harry, Si and Derek who are my other three male friends. Don't tell me the troubles about the setlists were really about this!”

“Fuck!” He shouted. “Could you please stop putting in my mouth things I didn't say?! The band has nothing to do with this!”

“You always do the same! Make me feel guilty about everything! I see your face every time I go on tour! During Christmas, you can't imagine how I felt when you told me that I didn't want to spend it with you! Countless times that you made me feel guilty and now for something I hadn't even done, you dick!”

“You can't imagine how I felt when I woke up in the bus and you were laughing with him and whispering like we do!”

“Are you telling me that you suggested having sex in front of the mirror that day because you didn't like seeing me talking to another man?” I got really close to him so he could see how mad I was. 

“Don't put it like that! I needed to do something different for you to connect with me!” He grabbed my shoulders so tightly it almost hurt. His face showed desperation. 

“You're a massive cunt.” I told him with all the rage I could gather in my voice. I gasped and made direct contact with his eyes; they were so deep, so blue. 

After that, he pulled my shoulders towards him until they collided with his torso and snogged my fiercely. At first, I turned my head around and tried to push his chest with my arms. Finally, I surrender and kissed him back, the sexual tension was undeniable. He undressed me faster than he had ever done. I took the both pieces of cloth of the collar of his beige shirt and separated them as most of the buttons fell into the floor allowing me to go down a bit to lick his chest as he buried his fingers in my hair. I traced with my tongue from his navel to his neck. I heard him moan and that's when I pushed myself a little bit against his body, perceiving that he was already hard. 

When both of us naked, I threw him to the bed behind him with all my strength. I climbed on the bed and straddled his waist with one leg on each side of his body. The next thing I knew, was that his aching cock was inside me and he was grabbing my hips with his hands. I observed him while I was moving fast above him, I was in charge; his lips and the skin surrounding them were stained with my red lipstick. When he released a moan, I leaned over him until my hair covered his face and our foreheads were almost touching; I saw in his eyes that he was close… I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of coming. Suddenly for him, I sat up straight again and jumped off the bed, he whimpered and I glared at him one more time seeing a mixture of disappointment, disbelief and anger. 

I walked as quickly as I could to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I wrapped myself in one of the bathrobe and sat down on the toilet. I started thinking… Thinking about everything that had just happened. It was the first time we had fucked. We had had sex out of anger instead of being inspired by love. But, what made me the most sad, was the fact that a fucking nonsensical discussion like that had led to this situation.


	71. Chapter 71

When it came to hiding my feelings, I was the best; act like nothing’s happened. I could also hide them from myself. Some might say, that's avoiding problems and I knew it wasn't healthy, but that's my way of coping when something stressful occurred. 

The night before, after like an hour, I got off the bathroom. Richard wasn't there. I wasn't gonna go after him, so I laid on the bed. I would have cried if I was that type, but I didn't. I prevented myself from any thoughts and fell asleep. 

After getting up, I went to the dining room of the hotel to have breakfast. I realized that I was quite sore due to the previous night intercourse. It was later than I used to have breakfast with Richard so he must have already been there and gone. I didn't want to think about him anymore, so I started talking about everything and nothing with Derek. I didn't pretend I was chipper, I only didn't demonstrated that I was mad. 

I would avoid Richard all day long and if anyone asked me what was going on I would tell them. I couldn't believe he had let something so stupid like that interfere in our relationship and in his work. After that, I went to Scott's room where I knew the rest of the band would because he had called us there to organise a few things of the tour. When I knocked his door everyone was already there. 

“Finally, the queen has decided to meet her peasants.” Cam regretted me kindly and then Jane giggled softly, I didn't know what the fuck she was doing there. I didn't answer her back, but is she continued being bitchy I wouldn't contain myself. 

“So, we need to decide some things about the gig at Wembley Arena. We're talking about 12.500 people, your biggest gig until now…”

\-------------  
When we finished, I left quick as I didn't want to talk considering that the following day I would spend it with them. We were travelling to Anaheim all day long and I had decided to go in their bus. 

As I was slowly walking down the hall most of our rooms where, I saw Nick unlocking the door of the one he shared with Si. 

“Hey, Nick.”

“Hey, Richard was kinda looking for you.”

“Did he say anything?”

“He did not. But he seems lost without you.” I released a little and a bitter laugh shaking my head. “Eh… Did something happened?”

“He's been a cunt, that's what happened.” Nick inquired me to go on with his gaze and brows as he had his hand placed on the handle. “He said the dumbest shit…”

“Aren't you going to tell me what he said?”

“Just relationship troubles you don't wanna know.”

“Both of you are my friends so I care about you. Of course I wanna know.” He offered me a friendly smile. 

“Mmm, well maybe you could actually help and tell him that he's talking bullshit. Perhaps, he'll believe you.” He didn't understand anything yet. “The thing is that he believes that you have feelings for me. I tried to tell the twat that…”

“Fuck.” He interrupted me lifting one of his hands over his head dragging his hair behind. “That were all the problems with the band about…”

“Yeah, and I don't think…” This time I interrupted myself trying to figure his body language out. His face showed much more concern than I thought telling him this should. His eyes came back to mine sharply telling me you caught me. “Oh, no.”

First of all, I was disappointed with myself; I had always considered I was a very perceptive person, but I have missed this one. I had been too preoccupied about the future my band and my brother apart of focusing on my marriage, the tour and the following dates; being sad about the state of the friendship with Cam and Andy; and finally trying not to get involved in The Verve’s management. I had had a lot of things on mind to be paying attention to Nick as well. 

“How long has this been going on?” I asked him within a few moments. 

“Basically, since I found out that because of you I got back to the band.”

“Fuck, Nick! I hugged you yesterday like nothing and you told me in the face you were my friend!”

“I never meant you to fight with Richard. I intended to never show my feelings! It seems that I didn't do it so well. But you just can't be offended for it! You don't know what I've been through!”

“What you've been through…?!”

“Yes! Seeing you two everyday, hand in hand, the fucking perfect couple! I almost die when I called to your house and you were fucking him!” I thought he hadn't noticed that. Now I was very embarrassed. “You thought I wasn't listening?! I had to act like nothing was happening because it would have been awkward to hung up but also feeling my heart falling down to the floor!”

“During your birthday party. Seeing that expression in your face when you opened my gift. I knew you would like it, but I didn't hope that reaction like it was the most amazing things you've ever received. Fuck… this may sound so soft.”

“Anyway, the other day… In Canada. It was evident that you two had fucked. Thinking it now, I realized that Richard kissed you like that in the lobby to make me feel like shit… He already knew it.” I couldn't really speak. 

“And then… The wedding… Why did you marry him like that? That's something no one understands, but also something that nobody talks about. When I saw him shortly after, I noticed the ring in his hand right away. You two had married. All the hopes and wishes I didn't even admit to myself vanished. That emotion you have when you meet someone… Crashed. So, I'm sorry for having called you my friend last night, but I know that's all we're ever gonna be.” 

Suddenly, he approached me fast, took my face between his hands, turned my head a few degrees, all of this in a matter of seconds and kissed me. One of the most passionate kisses I was ever given. All his feelings contained for months finally being released. I couldn't continue with this, I didn't even kissed him back. I pushed him with my arms until we were separated by some inches and his back hit the wall. 

I felt a presence at the end of the hall. I didn't know how much of it had Si witnessed but he was clearly shocked. I put my hand inside my pocket and grabbed my keys unlocking my door getting into my room without looking back. 

After that, I sat on my bed rethinking everything. Nick and Richard had always wanted the same things: a band, to be famous and successful, leadership… And now this. Things had got very fucked up in many ways.


	72. Chapter 72

When I got into the room, luckily for me Richard wasn't there. I was afraid he had heard it all. I was also afraid of what might have Si interpreted. The only thing I could do was looking outside the window thinking. I finally what the book, the friendly gestures, all the talking, my presence on the tour and meeting Ian Brown was about. I couldn't continue analysing what had happened to figure out what I was gonna do next because someone knocked on my door. At first I thought it was Nick and I wouldn't open him the door. 

“Darcie, it's me.” Si spoked. “Open the door, I just want to talk.”

I hesitated, but I slowly unlocked the door and let him in. 

“Are you gonna tell me what was that about?” He asked placing his hands on his hips once I had closed the door. 

“Are you gonna tell me why do you think I owe you some kind of explanation?”

“You know what?” He blurted out angrily pointing at me. “I think you do, because my band is falling apart all over again and I believe that you have something to do with it.”

“Me?! You can say many things about me but never that I interfered in The Verve.”

“Kissing Nick like that and being married to Richard isn't interfering to you? That band is everything to me! Don't you understand?!”

“I understand very well, you bastard. But whatever you think that happened is not accurate. If internal problems are developing in the band they aren't because of me!”

“So, are you trying to tell me that Richard is aware of this kiss and accepts it?” Simon seemed very high. 

By this point my mind was totally exhausted. So much had happened within a few hours that I blanked. I had never thought Si would say these things to me. 

“I'm fucking tired of the arguments between Nick and Richard. And you seem ignorant to many things. I didn't thought of you as such a fool. Do you know why Richard married you like that?” Si, waited for a response that never came so he kept on. 

“He married you so fast so you could be tied to him. All those songs ‘Stay with me tonight, make it all seem fine. I can't make it alone’ were meant for you to pity him and give up everything for him. He doesn't see you as an equal, he just wants you to keep him going. He sees you as his muse, his drug. And believe me when I tell you that he had a severe problem with drugs and you are another example of that. He's an addict. Just like when he collapsed during Lollapalooza in 1994. He changed cocaine and LSD for you.”

I didn't know how to react when he said that. I sat on the edge of the bed listening to him, he had caught my attention. 

“Nick wanted you here because he obviously fancies you. By the way, it's incredible how people don't see what they don't want to see. Richard uses you in order not to have a breakdown all over again, without you he'd never write any more good tunes and he knows it. Besides, he uses you as publicity. He always cared more about his career than anybody else, just look who owns the royalties of most of "Urban Hymns"... He does. If I had written them by myself, I would have put all of us as the authors. His ego is surprisingly big nowadays. And now, he doesn't give a fuck about the band because he owns most of the material, he can play it freely as a solo artist. What am I gonna do if the band splits up for good?... You tell me.”

He seemed devastated, but I didn't have an answer to that. 

“I've known him for more than ten years, what about you…? Let me tell you one more thing. When you were on tour with your band, I was the one who talked to Richard and visited him, so he told me things. He was happy when you were about to split up because of Cam and Jane. That meant that you wouldn't be obliged to tour anymore and stay with him. He told me that, he married you in order to be more difficult for you to leave him. He has the highest ego, but he's still insecure when it comes to you. He's said all these things to me. This isn't the healthy and loving relationship you believe it is. And now with Nick, you've made things a hell of a lot worse... For all of us.”

“Fuck off.” That last phrase had made me react. 

“What?!”

“I'm serious. Get out of my room.”

“If that's how you want to leave things…”

“Fuck off!” I yelled getting up violently and pointing to the door. And he finally went slamming the door.


	73. Chapter 73

I wasn't gonna to jump to conclusions too fast. I needed to find Richard and try to solve things the best way possible: talking. I couldn't go on avoiding him and this fight had turned much more deeper than I expected. Honestly, after all that Si had said I was shocked, many of those things weren't completely nonsensical. Nevertheless, Ashcroft was my husband and I thought it was better to discuss everything with him. 

I glanced at my watch, I hadn't much time left, we has to go to the gig. On my way to Pete or Tong’s room to ask them where Richard was I came up to Cam in the corridor. 

“So, you cheated on Richard. All of us were waiting in the lobby and he shouted the news. You are a fucking hypocrite. You are nobody to come with me with your fucking moral advices. I'm glad you did this actually. Now, you'll realise you are not better than anyone.”

“I did not cheat on him! I won't explain myself to you!” Fuck, she had become a poisonous influence in my life. 

“Well, I think you'd better go and explain Richard because the last time I saw him, he was beating the hell out of Nick.”

“Oh, fuck…” I didn't end up speaking that I ran towards the lobby. 

The escene was shameful. I arrived just when Richard, who already had his eye red, was punching Nick on his jaw. I approached as Harry and Scott were separating them. I glanced around and two guards were attempting to calm things down; Si was watching the chaos he had produced from a distance. Andy and Jane were there too. I couldn't find the words to say anything. Richard got rid of Scott’s grip and came closer to me. Harry was grabbing Nick by his shoulders. 

“And you treated me like a dick when I told you something was going on with this fucker!” Richard shouted looking me straight in the eyes as he pointed directly to Nick. Scott was still trying to prevent him to hit Nick again but he just turned around and started to walk through the corridor. 

“You call him a fucker but you aren't any better than him!” I followed him to the corridor as we walked away from everyone. After a few seconds he dignified* to look at me. 

“You kissed him!”

“He kissed me!”

“I knew he was in love with you and I shared with you my suspicions. According to Si, you didn't try to stop him.”

“I was shocked!” 

I hated Si’s attitude of confronting me earlier and now exposing that fucking kiss like this, but he had been right in some things he had told me about Richard, he wasn't very confident about me and couldn't think of that as nothing less than lack of trust between us. Actually, lack of trust from him to me, because I did trust him and the fact that he didn't, hurt me. 

“Is it true that you married me so it would be harder for me to leave you? Because of the lyrics? Because of the publicity?”

“What are you talking about?! You know that I love you! That's the only reason I had and you agreed with it! I can't… I can't talk to you right now.”

“You're being a cunt if you don't want to talk to me. It's like saying this is true.” My voice broke in the last sentence. 

“Just… Fuck off… Please, leave me alone. I don't wanna hate you anymore than I'm doing now.”

The coldness in his voice warned me not to continue. He turned around again and kept on walking down the corridor. I stood there for some moments staring to nothing in particular and thinking. Thinking about how could I have let this happened. The only thing I wanted to do was to take my pills and sleep until I had forgotten it all. 

\-------------  
Scott found me in the middle of the corridor. He told me it was time to go to the gig. I knew it was one of the worst we had ever given. My mind was a mess, it had been a mess for days. I was starting to regret some things I had said and done over the last three days, but at the same time feeling none of this was my fault. 

As usual, The Verve played after us. Talking about that, Richard and me were the same, we weren't going to disappoint thousands of people who had paid to see us. However, they performed without Nick, so Ashcroft had to played lead guitar, something he wasn't very good at. I didn't want to know where Nick was.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” I asked Andy once we were back at the hotel. 

“Of course.” Harry replied behind us. Not for nothing they were two of my best friends. Besides, I appreciated that they didn't ask me anything. 

I didn't want to cause much trouble, so I brushed my teeth quickly with one of those brushes hoteles give you and laid on the couch they had there with the same clothes falling asleep within minutes.


	74. Chapter 74

I woke up with the sound of a bell. 

“What time is it?” I asked them, even though I realized Harry wasn't there.

“Almost nine, that leaves us an hour to have breakfast.” 

Andy was in front of me wearing Harry's clothes that were too big for her and grabbing a little red bell on which it could be read “Ring for sex”. Seeing this scene made me laugh. 

“What are you trying to tell me with this?” I asked her smirking. 

“Excuse me? I only use this with Harry. But I figured it would be a nice way to wake up.” Andy never failed in cheering me up. 

 

Finally, we ended up ordering breakfast in her room. I told her everything that had happened during the last few days. 

“Well, that's a lot.”

“You know that I don't… Feel like other people. I never feel sorry about anything or that I repress my emotions. But, I wanted to apologise for having pushed you away during these last months. For me things with Cam isn't going well and I didn't like seeing that you are still close to her, I kinda thought that you were on her side. I am selfish and I'm sorry. Now I'll be the best maid of honour.”

She only hugged me and changed topics. 

“What about Richard? What are you gonna do?”

“I… don't know. I'm aware the discussions wasn't that serious, it was just jealousy and he had been right about Nick. But, what it meant, what Si told me… I do love him, too much. Si was right, this isn't healthy, I feel suffocated. I don't wanna be responsible if he gets depressed again, I would help him, but… Fuck, I can't believe three of the people I considered close to me really disappointed me in a matter of days.”

“I think it's because things aren't going well with the band. Richard, Si and Nick are realising that The Verve is falling apart all over again. And… So sorry, but I always thought that married too fast and I didn't like all that secrecy.”

“I know… Being in love made me make decisions I wouldn't have otherwise. Maybe the time wasn't right, but I'm glad we married like that; I wouldn't have liked a wedding without my parents or Richard's father, he was -he is- very important to him. You know what hurts me the most? The fact he would be pleased if we splitted up. I saw his heartbroken face every time we went on tour.”

“I don't know. When, I talked to him about it he seemed concerned about the future of the band.”

“Fuck. I want to go home. But it's only a few days left.”

“You can stay with me for a few days if you don't want to go Taynton.”

“Thank you but no, I will go to my home. I'm just sick of everything. Richard's jealousy, his making me feel guilty about everything, the arguments within The Verve and me in the middle of that, our band… I don't think I can work with Cam much longer.”

Andy only nodded pressing her lips.

“Please, let the gig at Wembley Arena pass. We'll see later.”

“Yeah.”

\-------------  
Someone in the rooms near us was listening “Made Of Stone”. It was strangely accurate for the moment as it had always made me feel quite nostalgic, a feeling like something was over. 

The next couple of days, the last ones of the tour I abused of Andy and Harry's hospitality because I used to stay with them all day long. I wasn't speaking with Richard. I avoided to see him as much as I could. He had knocked on my door once or twice but I didn't open it. His rejection at first had shocked me but now I was really angry. 

Nick had fucked off, came back to England. Fucking deserter. It was the second time he did that to the band on tour. The dick knew he wasn't easily replaceable. Not even Cam did that when things were completely wrong with us. I regretted having convinced Richard to bring him back to the band, even though I knew “Urban Hymns” wouldn't have been as successful as it had been. I knew that things within them were very tense since I didn't see them together during those days.


	75. Chapter 75

The crew and the two bands would come back to Britain on August 18, the day after the Seattle gig. I bought a plane ticket for the night before right after the gig, I only told Andy, Harry and Scott so they didn't worry. The first thing I did when I arrived was going home, after a month. A month that had started quite good and ended up being a total crap. 

I spent my days in the house. Richard wouldn't be there until the 30th because they had some gigs left in Britain, unlike us that had completely sold the last dates of the tour including the Wembley Arena concert that would take place in September. 

During my days of confinement I only thought about my marriage. The house felt totally empty being there by myself, seeing his things. Perhaps, I had got married too fast, but I was really in love with him. The way he had made me feel, like I was part of a family again was priceless. I didn't want to believe he had manipulated my mind like that, but to be honest it made sense. I was so disappointed… With Richard and Nick. I trusted both of them and now I was starting to compare them to my brother. 

I didn't even turn the TV on. I didn't want to hear the press speculating about my band, The Verve or my relationship. I didn't know the future of these three for sure either. 

\--------------  
After a three of torturing myself with my own thoughts I decided to drive to London. I would figure something to do there. I got in the car Hut had given for Christmas allegedly because of all the good sales but it was to keep me silent really, as long as they produced my albums, paid me it was fine. I went to the pub all of us used to go when I lived here. 

“Look who's there.” I heard someone saying behind my back while I was sitting in front of the bar drinking gin ‘n’ tonic. 

“Hey.” I smirked when I realized that it was Graham Coxon. A few steps behind him I noticed Damon. “Please, join me.”

“Ok.” Both of them sitted on my right. 

“I have to go to the toilets.” Graham announced. “Can you order something for me?”

Damon grinned and nodded as Graham left. In that moment I thought that these two were more brotherly than the Gallagher brothers would ever be. 

“It's been a long time since we've met.” Damon commented after ordering for Graham and him.

“More than six months.”

“How's everything going?”

“Haven't you heard the news?”

“I prefer not to listen to the press. I stopped listening to them a few years ago when I realized that I was paying more attention to them than focusing on my music.” He always talked with his haunting deep voice. 

“How's that? If you don't mind that I ask.”

“Right after the ‘Battle Of Britpop’ things were fine because we had won but then ‘Morning Glory’ was released and I couldn't even walk down the street that someone shouted ‘Oasis!’or ‘Fuck Country House’, things like that. It was awful. I mean, Oasis won, I'm ok with that, but everything I saw, read, heard was a constant reminder of my failure… Sorry, I didn't want to bore you with all of this.”

“Oh, no. Please, go on. Now I'm intrigued.” He smiled. 

To be honest, as much as I liked Liam and Noel they had been complete dickheads with Blur. They had never been like that with me. 

“Graham started drinking quite heavily. I wasn't in my right mind. I don't know what the fuck Alex and Dave where doing but I didn't see them for a while. We had distanced.” He turned his head around,grabbing the glass that was meant for Coxon. “Gra is talking to someone, that means I can drink this. Anyway, I considered splitting up. However, we ended up recording another album. But, this time we produced music we did want to make and without giving a fuck about anything. If things didn't go well with this album we would broke up, I now that now. But I think we're fine now.”

“I didn't know you were about to split up.”

“Yeah, it was a difficult time. Now, I thank I didn't make any rushed decision. And then the Justine thing happened.” His gaze was lost for a few seconds but then he looked at my eyes again. “I don't listen to the press but Alex does and he told me that your band is going through something similar.”

“Yeah, well. I don't want to to make any quick decision either. Would you say Justine made an impact in your music too? I mean to the extreme of changing styles.” He had named her and now I was curious. 

“I don't like to talk about her but yes, she did. She made me do things I would have never done without her. I know I will never love anybody as I loved her. But in the end, this relationship crushed me. Everything is still so recent…”

“I see.” 

Suddenly, Graham came back again. The three of us continued drinking and chatting about much less personal things. That night, Damon helped me get my shit together; it was time to give some things a closure.


	76. Chapter 76

After a couple of days in London I returned home. Some lights were on. Richard was home. I had made my mind in many aspects of my life and now it was time to face it. I hadn't spoken with him since the day he left me standing in the corridor and I was still mad about that fucking attitude. When I was locking the door I heard some steps. He was coming from the music room.

“Hi, Darz.”

“Hey.”

He was wearing a light blue sweater and jeans. His blue eyes did not had the brightness I was used to. He hadn't shaved either. And, of course he was barefoot. 

“How are you?”

“I'm fine. And you?”

“I quit the band.”

I couldn't say a was shocked because I did see this coming but it hurt seeing a great band in the peak of their career splitting up. 

“We gave our last gig together yesterday.” He said given my lack of response. “I would have quit earlier but I couldn't leave the others like that. Besides fans had paid.”

“What are you gonna do now?” I asked delaying as much as possible the inevitable talk about us. 

“Becoming a solo artist as I had planned before. I can't do anything else, can I? ‘Urban Hymns’ was gonna be my first album, as you well know.”

“Ah-ha” 

I walked to the living room and he followed me. 

“Richard.” I called him as I always did. I never really liked calling him any of his nicknames. I sat on the sofa. 

“Darz.” He exclaimed before I could say anything. “These days have been completely hollow without you. I regret so many things I did those last days of the tour. I can't even forgive myself that I was the one who made you feel like that and travel before anyone. When I didn't see you that morning and Andy told me with such an anger in her voice that you had left, I almost die. Then she talked to me and made me realise how wrong I had been.”

He was holding his right hand above his heart. His face showed an expression of deep consternation. I sat on the sofa and he did the same next to me. 

“The way you handled things was horrible, I never felt that bad about myself in my life. You made me feel so cheap when you confessed about the mirror thing. After that we fucked, that just wasn't right. You humiliated me when you shouted in front of everyone that I had kissed Nick. You made me wanna take my pills again! Hitting him, was it necessary? And when you left me standing in that corridor…”

As I shook my head he grabbed his with his hands and closed his eyes rather violently.

“I know… I'm a fucking bastard. If you…” He shut his eyes again with sadness. “If you decide to leave I would understand. I quit the band not only because of fucking Nick but Si’s lies. He filled my head with horrible thoughts about Nick and you… I'm not trying to justify my actions… If any man on Earth had looked at you the way Nick does, I wouldn't have given a fuck because I trust you. But Nick… He had always got in me. He had always wanted what I had and what I struggled to obtain. He knew he never would write songs like I do, that he didn't have the balls to be the leader as much as he wanted it. And finally you. I was so fucking scared when I realized he fancied you. Fuck… Most of my problems are in my mind, really.”

He leaned his head down pressing his forehead on his hand. He seemed so devastated, so I got closer and embraced him. He rested his face between my shoulder and neck. 

“Your mind…” I sighed. “It's a big weight on my shoulders knowing that you depend on me so much that if anything goes wrong again you could get deeply depressed or creating a situation like this all over again just due to jealousy.”

Suddenly he lifted his head and looked me straight in the eyes. 

“I… I'll try to get better. For you. For this marriage… Are you leaving me?”

I had always seeked in my life for someone protective as he was - protective without crossing the line of controlling - because that was something I had seen in my home since I was very little between my dad and mum. Since they died and my brother left, I had felt a deep emptiness in my heart: a lack of that warmth of a home, the same that had been filled when I met him, he was the love of my life. 

I shook my head. He wrapped his arms around me tighter than he had ever done it. I placed my head on his chest and grabbed the cloth of his sweater. I hadn't been apart from him that long but I missed his scent. He gave me soft pecks on the head while saying: “I'll never make you feel this way again.”

“Are you sure you wanna leave the band?”

“I did so much for that band. Without my determination we wouldn't have reached where we reached. But, maybe I should have quit in ‘95. I don't know. None of this would have happened.”

“I'll support you no matter what decisions you make.”

And we spent the rest of the day in the sofa cuddled like that until I fell asleep in his arms.


	77. Chapter 77

The concert at Wembley Arena was in the middle of September, we give that gig after some smaller ones, it was the last of the tour. The biggest and greatest gig we've ever given. At this point we were as important as The Verve. Shed Seven supported us, I really liked them so I was singing along “Chasing Rainbows” backstage. Even Lou and Paul were there. Richard accompanied me too. 

I felt mighty when I let the crowd sing our lyrics: “Heathen Sun”, “Atomic Bomb” and so many more; when they cheered Cam when she played her guitar solos as I played the keyboards on the right side of the stage; people of all ages, some of them holding big posters with our names… Seeing all of us on fire like this. I would miss this so much. 

After the gig, the four of us hugged on stage and left to backstage. Evelyn handed each of us a glass of champagne. Jane, Harry, Alexa and joined us too. Richard stood next to me and planted a kiss on the top of my head after having covered my shoulders with his arm. 

After we had toasted, I asked Brian, Cam and Andy to join me to one of the dressing rooms. 

“So, what do you want?” Cam wanted to know once I closed the door behind us. 

“I'm leaving the band.” Andy gasped and Brian was gaping at me with his mouth open and an expression of disbelief. 

“You copy everything Richard does, don't you?” Cam commented disgusted. They already knew The Verve had split up. 

“Well, that's why I'm leaving. And you aren't the right person to say that I'm the one who was influenced by my couple. You weren't this fucker before Jane. Anyway, I'll never forget the amazing times we've lived together, with all of you. So, thank you.”

I couldn't keep on working like this. We weren't the same people who had formed the band. And we liked it or not, our partners had shaped the three of us somehow. I had always wanted to have a quiet and homely life apart from the madness that was being a musician, something that I also enjoyed; I was sorry if I had ever pushed them away in my life to be more time to Richard, I was never aware of that but that meant that I loved him because we wanted the same things in life. 

Regarding Cam, she had never been a warm person and I loved her like that, she wasn't fake; but when Jane came in her life that made her even colder and suddenly I wasn't comfortable talking to her anymore; Jane had put ideas in her mind of out resentment such as being a better musician than us so she should be the leader. However, when it came to organising the band and making decisions anyone wanted to make, I ended up doing it without complaining and without reproaching anyone because I knew everyone did their best, and that's what a leader does. Even Andy had changed when she met Harry, something that Oliver always brought up. I didn't think there wasn't anything wrong with that. 

Andy walked toward me, gave me an icy glance, opened the door and slammed it as she left the room.


	78. Chapter 78

Finally, Andy appeared standing on my doorstep. Richard had gone to the supermarket. 

“I don't want to leave things like this.” And she hugged me. 

After several minutes talking I apologised and she told me she understood. 

“But it was a decision all of us had to make.” She said. 

“Things haven't been well for a long time. All of us ignored it. It was high time things exploded. If any of you wanted to prevent it, you should have talked sooner.”

“Fuck, I just don't want to believe this is over.”

“We’ll figure something out…” After a few seconds I spoke again. “I never thanked you for having talked some sense into Richard. And listening to me when I needed it the most.”

“Yeah, I spent plenty of time telling him he had been a dick with you and that he needed to apologise right away.” She rolled her eyes making me laugh. 

\---------  
A couple of months later Andy and Harry's wedding arrived, a few days after we had won the Brit Award for Best British Group and Album Of The Year. I was too excited to be one of her bridesmaids. This wedding was much more glamorous than Oliver’s, which had been simpler but just as beautiful. This time it was during the night. l

She was the most stunning bride I had ever seen with her white dress that had lace and brillants as decorations, her hair had been pulled back and her make-up was perfect. To be fair, Harry was very handsome too in his black suit. One of the best things was the string quartet playing “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls, their song. 

Apart from her sisters, Cam was one of the bridesmaids too, so she had to be next to me during the whole ceremony. Nevertheless, everything was very polite between us.

From where I was standing I could see Richard who was in the middle of Juliette who was holding Sylvain and Pete, so I waved my hand to them. Oli was in front of me crossing the aisle next to the altar so I gave him a smile. When Andy started walking down the aisle with her dad I saw Harry smiling as he never did before. The ceremony was too sweet as Harry never released her hand. After the most wanted part: the kiss, I saw a tear running down Andy’s left cheek. 

Before having our meal, Oliver said some words as he was the best man. He told that when he had met Harry he didn't like him and thought he wasn't gonna be good for Andy. But, after getting to know Harry better he realized that Andy had found the best man she could possible marry and he had found out a great friend. Even though Andy was trying to hide it, I knew she wanted to kill Oli. In any case, I loved his speech. Then, I spent several minutes talking to Diana and Joseph, I hadn't seen them for a while. 

After some moments, we began dancing. Watching Harry dancing with Andy’s mum and she dancing the waltz with his dad was an amusing scene to watch, but it wasn't as funny when I had to dance with Harry, I wasn't a very good dancer. 

When the upbeating music started, I let the groom and the bride alone and I found my own husband who had already took his coat off, I was more relaxed dancing with him because nobody was looking. I grabbed his tie and pulled him closer to me laughing before kissing him while undoing it. When I looked to my right I saw Oli glaring at me saying “Really?” with his eyes, Juliette was smirking next to him. I slid the tie around Richard's neck and hit him with it on his shoulder. When I looked around I saw Harry whispering something to Andy’s ear as they were dancing very softly without paying attention to the music. Harry had made sure the wedding was perfect for her. Their honeymoon was gonna be in Hawaii; he always wanted to travel there but because he could never afford it he never did. Now that he had money he didn't let Andy pay for anything. 

When it was time to throw the bouquet I saw Lou jumping a little bit and grabbing it, interesting since she was single. Suddenly, I felt a hand touching my bare shoulder. 

“Can I borrow you for a sec?” It was Si, I hadn't seen him. I thought he hadn't gone to the wedding. 

“Yeah, well…” I replied after a few seconds reluctantly. 

“I'll go outside to smoke.” Richard told us. He wasn't very keen on talking to Si apart from the fact he had asked to have a word alone with me. 

Simon took me to an empty table I supposed it was in which he had been sitting all night. 

“Well…” Since Richard had told me Si had lied to him I started analysing once again everything he had blurted out to me that dreadful day in America. 

“Yeah, I just wanted to apologise for some things I said. I was really high… And I was completely mad about the band splitting up. Now that I'm getting used to the idea…”

“Wait. So, everything you told me then was a lie because you were upset?”

“I wouldn't put it that way, Darcie. The band that I was part of - my job - was falling apart.”

“You put my marriage in jeopardy!” I hit the table with my fist. Thankfully, the music was too loud for anyone to hear it. “Not only have you filled my mind with ideas but Richard's! You knew I hadn't kissed Nick back, you saw it. And told Richard I did…”

“I wanted you apart because you were in the middle of Richard and Nick! Don't you see that because of you the band split up?! You should be the one apologising to me! It didn't make any difference in the end because the band disbanded the same.”

I got up rapidly. I couldn't continue listening to this. I pointed at him with my index finger and hate in my voice. 

“You told me he was glad we were about to split up, fucking liar. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? Never try to talk to me again.”

As I was looking for Richard I thought that in the end I had contributed in The Verve's break up, against my intentions. My only comfort in that moment was Bernard Sumner, Joy Division’s guitarist and New Order's singer, quote “In a way I've grown away from the other member of the band, but I think anyone who's together for that amount of time eventually needs a bit of distance. It's only natural.”


	79. Epilogue

June, 2008   
The Verve had reformed. Now they would play Glastonbury like over a decade after they had split up. They had reunited a year before this. After Ashcroft found out that Salisbury was in contact with McCabe over a possible side project, Ashcroft contacted McCabe and Jones, making peace with them. It was all over the news. “Urban Hymns” was the 17th album most sold in the UK with 9 million copies sold worldwide. Richard had never wanted to explain the press well why they had broke up because he didn't want to tell what had happened during the American tour and burn all of us who were involved. 

At first, Richard was reluctant to do it. During an interview he stated: “You're more likely to get all four Beatles on stage". I told him that if he didn't do this, he would regret it; the time was just right. He never found out that Simon had tried to sabotage our marriage because he thought that way the band wouldn't break up. I didn't want him to lose another friend, even though they didn't met often. 

He hadn't forgiven Nick for everything but he said: “We're there to make music, not to get along, not to create false relationships.” At least they were in speaking terms now. In any case music had brought them together again as they were promoting a new album “Forth” and my favorite song so far was “Sit And Wonder”. 

Other thing that had convinced him to reform the band were our kids, Ian who was eight and Darlene who was five. Being a father had changed him- both of us - we weren't the best but we tried hard. I would have liked my parents to meet them; Darlene was blonde, just like I had been at her age, a very sweet girl; and Ian a very restless boy, they reminded me of when Trevor and me were kids; specially since Ian’s favourite hobby was teasing his little sister. At first, when we found out that I was pregnant, I didn't like the name Darlene but when he told me that it meant “tenderly loved” and that she would always be his tenderly loved girl I agreed with the name. Richard had made both of them Man United fans, so I had to leave the house during the matches because all that could be heard were their screams; generally I would go to Andy’s house that wasn't very far.

Harry and Andy had two boys: Ethan James, Ian’s best friend, and Noah. Andy wasn't a musician anymore, she owned a record label now: Direction Records, some well known artists were hired by her. Harry’s father had gave him total control over the glass company so by now Shepard’s Glass was the most important glass supplier company in the country. 

Oliver after all these years continued with his passion for photography. Juliette and him had another's kid now, Antoine; but I was the godmother of the third one, Thérèse. 

Cam had become a solo artist and she was doings pretty well, I never wanted to become solo, it just wasn't for me; in fact she had an incredible voice, and as well as us Jane and her had been together for more than ten years. They had adopted an African girl, Emily, a very noble act. Being mothers had changed them too. We had met them in the airport when we were about to travel to New York for some Richard’s gigs, they had just arrived from Zimbabwe with the baby and suggested we had to have dinner sometime, and so we did with Andy too, it was a first step. 

Finally, Brian owned an instruments store in London, everytime I went to London I visited him. He had married with his girlfriend, Alexa but they didn't have any children. 

As Richard had decided, he had become a solo artist too, he had released three albums so far and more than ever his songs were about love. I helped him sometimes with the arrangements and I played the piano in most of his songs. However, what I really did was teaching little children to play the piano, I always said that being a teacher wasn't for me, but I really enjoyed it; it was kinda cool when they recognised me. 

Richard used to tell our kids a lot of stories, like how everyone called him “Mad Richard” since he was a child or that he realized he liked singing when at school he was chosen to sing the Lord's prayers. However, their favourite was when he was around their age and the whole school including him, sang Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick In The Wall” to the teachers. Ian couldn't stop laughing when he heard that story, his laugh was really contagious, so Richard gave us a huge smile when that happened; most of the time he was very serious, so that's why I loved those moments. Then, he used to tell them stories about band like when they played Haigh Hall, both of us did with our respective bands. When they heard that their dad had talked to Pete who was in contact with Nick, Ian and Lene didn't stop insisting him to join them again as they had never seen him performing with the band before. They tried to convince me too but I was more difficult than Richard. 

As he had promised, he started going to the psychiatrist. He took Prozac to help him with clinical depression, he had a always been addicted to something, the difference was that now this had been prescribed. Nevertheless, it did not help much, because he always referred to the pills as "very synthetic”. I loved him but sometimes it was difficult coping with everything.Ashcroft had always been someone who suffered from depression and music and creativity helped him cope with his illness, exactly that was what “Break The Night With Colour” was about. After The Verve broke up for the second time he got into a serious depression; thankfully when the kids came to this brave new world they helped him a lot, my heart always melted when he commented during interviews that family was everything to him and that our children were a miracle. 

Despite him telling that he was only reforming The Verve to make music, I could tell he was happy about it. Regarding other Britpop bands, Blur had gone to a break in 2003 when they released “Think Tank” without Graham. When Graham left the band, as far as I knew because he was having personal troubles, Tongy toured with them. Apart from Blur, Damon had Gorillaz now and another band: The Good, The Bad And The Queen, in which Tongy was a member, he didn't take part in The Verve's reformation. 

Oasis was still going strong. Noel had left the band once or twice, but nothing too serious as he had come back, internal fights with Liam as usual. They had their disagreements but when they were back in the studio everything was fine. They would be releasing another album in 2008 as well. 

“Best Laid Plans” was considered the last Britpop album. It had sold 6 million copies. I always thought that splitting up in the peak of our career was the best thing we could have done; now we would always be remembered as that great band that sold millions of copies, had amazing songs and surreal singles that gave their last gig in no other place than Wembley Arena, instead of a band that only had one good album and then decreased their quality every new album. However, I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss filling stadiums and immense venues, touring all around the world, meeting fans and listening them singing back to me. Maybe someday I would do it again, I just didn't want to be part of that corrupt industry in that moment. I had enough of everything. Perhaps, these were just excuses I told myself to steady myself that I had made the right choice leaving the band. 

It was interesting how American pushed the limits of many bands, for example back in ‘92 Blur didn't have a good time touring and because they wanted to feel British again tgey recorded “Modern Life Is Rubbish” and that's how Britpop started; in ‘94 Richard collapsed and Pete was arrested in Chicago; that same year Noel went to San Francisco after having left Oasis and wrote “Talk Tonight” about it; finally in ‘98 after the American tour The Verve and us split up. 

I had never made peace with my brother and at this point perhaps I never would. The same had happened with Nick, I never met with him again and he never explained me well what had happened. I saw him again in 2007 and all of us acted as if nothing had happened. 

I was 36 now I wasn't that young anymore. So much had happened since the 90s. I had made bad and not so bad decisions. I was a mother now, I couldn't think only about my self care anymore, that's also why I preferred a quiet life for now, the kids deserved it. I was really satisfied with my life and I was thankful of the life I had now. 

The End


End file.
